Concerns Raised Over "Social Suicide Bombers"

Following the hostile takeover of AWARE, several new members of the exco have received "death threats", with websites on the internet detailing the personal details of members and their family. These developments have prompted a public statement from the Society for the Protection of All Society Members (SPASM).

"What we are witnessing here is the unprecedented use of 'Social Suicide Bombers' in local civil society," states Mr Pontoon Pang, chief spokesperson for SPASM. "Basically, naive individuals are recruited by larger societies and indoctrinated with their fundamentalist ideas, often disguised as a benign religion such as Christianity or Scientology.

"Once impregnated with these views, the Social Suicide Bomber is sent out into society where they perform high profile acts such as hijacking secular organisations and insulting minorities. These lead to the Social Death of the Bomber, who suffers in terms of their safety, the safety of their loved ones, their careers, and their reputations," he explains.

"Yet in all the attention on the bomber, little notice is paid to the insidious mentors indoctrinating their members behind the scenes. These mentors remain hidden in the shadows, acting safely in their territory, then sending out their pawns to take the fall.

"Thus in the interest of protecting all members of society, SPASM recommends that Singaporeans avoid making petty comments and actively work together to locate and deal with the causes, not the effects of social division.

"We must love the sinners and condemn the sins, even if they do not extend such charity to us," he concludes.

Local Newspaper Draws Flak for "Promoting Christian Lifestyle"

In the wake of the change of management at AWARE, local newspaper Singapore Times ran articles gossiping about the private lives of newly appointed members holding two newly created positions. These positions were that of Political Monthly Secretariat (PMS) and Honorary Consort (HC), filled by Mr Armadillo Chin and Ms Meteor Lau.

However, the paper has since drawn flak from local media watchdog Surveyors with the Fraternity (SWTF) who claim that the articles "promote the Christian lifestyle" and should have been censored. The Kentang interviews Mr Broccoli Boo, president of SWTF.

"Its true that nobody really knows who these new people were, and so we're all very happy to obtain juicy gossip about their private lives. However, we feel that the newspaper has overstepped its boundaries by painting them as individuals who are friendly, sociable, chatty, and good eaters," says Mr Boo.

"This is tantamount to promoting the Christian lifestyle, and should be unacceptable in our conservatively secular state," he explains.

Mr Boo draws a comparison between these articles and other media texts that promote the homosexual lifestyle, whatever that is. "Homosexuals are important to Singapore's economy, and essential in our pretence of being a liberal, democratic state. However, this does not mean we allow positive images of homosexuality in our arts and media, as the misconception that homosexuality is normal will definitely have an adversely fabulous impact on our youth. So far, we have been quite efficient at banning or censoring Oscar Awards and art films such as Boy, all of which attempt to show homosexuals as normal people with psychological and emotional depth.

"Similarly, while the Christian lifestyle of hymns and donations can be tolerated in our society, one must be careful of actively promoting the Christian lifestyle in the media by painting them as normal people with friends, family, and affability. Singapore, after all, is a conservative nation that is primarily secular, as constitutionally enshrined, and we should not allow anything beyond our pre-existing prejudices in a national paper. Therefore, we believe it is necessary to inform the paper of their error, hoping that they will be more stringent in their self-censorship next time, in order to preserve the status quo of our nation state," says Mr Boo.

"The alternative, of course, would be to allow for a greater range of representation of all religious, ethnic, and sexual groups, so that a more informed public that can properly debate issues can be nurtured. But this is, of course, an ideal impermissible in Singapore," he concludes.

comics without art.

Singapore media has a longer reach

In a medical survey conducted by the Ministry of Wellness, Singaporeans working in the virtually indistinguisable government and media corporations were found to develop arms 17% longer than the average Singaporean. Dr Masticate Mah, who conducted the survey, suggests that this was a trait "developed to be able to pat themselves on the back with increasing ease and efficiency."

Local politician Pecan Teoh has disputed the findings, claiming that it represents "a clear evolutionist bias that counters what I, and everyone, stands for. We cannot accept such findings just to maintain a facade of secularism and religious equality."

"The doctors can go stick a straw in their nose," she concluded.

Singaporeans well trained in avoiding responsibility

A Singaporean was recently locked up for "drunken behaviour" during an alleged epileptic fit. According to the Straits Times, authorities refused to allow his mother to pass him medication and declined to contact a hospital to verify his condition until they were told by his brother that they would be "held responsible for his condition", following which, everything proceeded smoothly. This behaviour has been lauded by the Singaporean Society for Social Graces (SSSG), who have constantly been advising Singaporeans that proper social behaviour involves covering one's back and avoiding responsibility. The Kentang interviews Mr Abortion Ang, spokesperson for the SSSG.

"What we have here is an exemplary case of Singaporeans refusing to overstep the bounds of decency by taking responsibility for another human being through administering care and consideration, much less medication. We are glad that our message has clearly influenced the community: that it is more important to be responsible to your job and position, rather than to other human beings," says Mr Ang.

"Also laudatory is the correct attitude adopted by commentators on SgForums, who clearly exhibit the 'each man for himself' mindset by insisting that everyone be responsible for his own behaviour, and that no compassion should be shown to any epileptics who do not bring their medicine nor records of proof. After all, one should not be held responsible through his kindness if the person is merely citing epilepsy as an excuse for bad behaviour," he continues.

Stupid Straits Times Stories Quoted Verbatim no.1

The first in our new feature series

The Straits Times Interactive, Breaking News [14/10/2008]
Costly park bench nap

Nappers can be fined $200 for misuse of park facility.

		The National Parks Board (NParks) fined the private bus driver for having misused the park facility by sleeping on the bench. -- PHOTO: THE NEW PAPER

WHAT was supposed to be a free 15-minute nap on a park bench turned into a costly snooze for one Singaporean.

The New Paper on Tuesday reported that a 62-year-old, who only wanted to be known as Mr Kassim, was fined $200 when he dozed off on a Sun Plaza Park bench while taking shelter from the rain.

The National Parks Board (NParks) fined the private bus driver for having misused the park facility by sleeping on the bench.

The incident happened on Sept 1 at a park in Tampines.

Mr Kassim had dozed off on one of the wooden benches while seeking shelter from a heavy downpour. He woke up about 15 minutes later to see two men, who would later identify themselves as NParks rangers, walking towards him.

They asked for his identity card, told him he had 'abused park facilities by sleeping on the park bench', and issued him a ticket.

Mr Kassim accepted the ticket despite not knowing it was an offence to sleep on a park bench.

Five days later, he received an NParks letter detailing his offence and asking him to pay the $200 fine. When he went to the NParks office to make payment, he claimed he was told by a staff member that he could appeal.

But he decided against it, citing it would be a hassle.

According to an NParks spokesman, more than 10 people have been fined for misusing the facilities in the parks. The spokesman did not say if these specifically involved sleeping on park benches.

He told TNP: 'We try to create the conditions that make visitors feel at ease... When people abuse our parks by overstaying or squatting, they make genuine park users feel uncomfortable. Others sleep on benches or in shelters in an inconsiderate manner and deny park users from these facilities.'

Of eight regular park-goers surveyed by The New Paper, none knew that sleeping on park benches was an offence.

On the NParks website, there is a list of 'Dos' and 'Don'ts' for visiting parks. Sleeping on a park bench was not among the 'Don'ts', but there was a disclaimer which said the list was 'not exhaustive or intended to be a complete list of the prohibitions or regulations governing our parks'.

NUS to publish pioneering text on comparative couture

In the most groundbreaking event since the unecessary construction of University Hall, Cultural Studies researchers at the National University of Singapore's Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences have published an exhaustive study that compares diva stage costumes across geographical and temporal boundaries.

Academically titled "Diva Drapery: The Development of Fabulous Costumes from Antiquity to the age of Transnational Capitalism", the study traces the roots of costume features commonly considered "diva", and show that they have their origins in South East Asia. Later sections attempt to paint Singapore (also known as Temasek) as the hub of the South East Asian diva couture industry: a Srivijayan centre of high fashion.

Professor of Sociology Ms Bovine Stroganoff, when intervied, claims that "the motivation of this book are entirely in line with Singapore's attempts at placing itself in the grander scheme of world culture, such as the F1 race."

A set of images from the chapter "Sarongs throughout the ages"

Balinese Diva



Burmese Diva



Transnational Capitalist Diva

Singapore F1 night race wows world

The F1 night race, held in Singapore, wowed the world, reported the Straits Times.

Indeed, foreign talent Hysterectomy Mangrove, currently working as a local talent in California, said that he "was so impressed by the widespread television coverage of the race, that he went to play World of Warcraft."

Indeed, Blizzard reported extra high participation on all of its servers, confirming that indeed, we have wowed the world.

Singaporean Chinese safe to speak, says Ministry

Local researches have detected trace amounts of melamine in local sources of Mandarin Chinese Mother Tongue. This has caused panic among the Singaporean Cheena population who are the most consistent users of the language. The Kentang interviews Dr Photosynthesis Pan, a life science researcher at the National University of Singapore.

"Our results were found through a fortunate accident," explains Dr Pan. "One of our China Chinese laboratory assistants happened to spit into several of our samples. These samples were found to have six hundred times the melamine of other samples, suggesting that his saliva was contaminated with the chemical."

Based on this lead, researchers were able to confirm that Mandarin Chinese Mother Tongue from China was contaminated with melamine. However government officials hurried to reassure Singaporean Chinese that they are safe.

"There is no cause for concern since the amount of melamine is directly proportionate to the PRC-ness of the Chinese spoken," says Mr Martini Mah, loudspeaker for the Ministry of Wellness. "Thus most Singaporean Chinese is safe for conversation, being at its safest almost unrecognisable as Chinese.

"However, Singaporeans who already have health problems are advised to speak proper Singaporean mother tongues such as Hokkien, Teochew, or Cantonese. Alternatively, speaking Singlish may be a good way to continue being understood, while avoiding melamine tainted tongues," advised Mr Mah.

Families broken as breadwinners leave jobs to join manhunt

Following the offer of a one million Singapore dollar reward for the capture of Mas Selamat and the first three Singaporeans to become full-time bounty hunters, an increasing number of Singaporean men are leaving their jobs and families to go on hunting trips in neighbouring countries. This phenomena has been a cause for concern among the communities living in HDBs far above the rarefied depths of the landed properties inhabited by government minstrels, as many of the men involved come from lower income groups who are hoping that the reward will alleviate increasingly harsh financial situations.

"Currently, I'm working a variety of odd jobs that bring in $1200 monthly," said Mr Chauffer Chow, who holds a B(A) in English Ligatures from NUS. "This isn't enough to both pay off my student loans and support the family that I was told to have since I met my wife at an SDU functions; and I have to support my parents too.

"If I catch him, I can finally pay for everything without having to write any more of those 'Speak Good English' posters," he says.

Chow is optimistic about his chances of catching the elusive fugitive: "I speak Malay - I have a Malay aunt - which will probably give me an edge over those previous three commandos when searching in Indonesia."

His wife, however, is less sunny about their prospects. "We could get by before, given the standard of English in Singapore, but now that he's left his jobs I don't know if I can manage to placate his parents and pay for our children," she says.

"I guess this is the worst thing to happen since Mas Selamat was allowed to escape; the worst thing to us, at least," she says.

Many families share Mrs Chow's sentiments. Mrs Hula Hoop Huang, a housewife, is concerned that with her husband - the family's sole breadwinner - gone for an indeterminate amount of time, and herself with no marketable skills, she will not be able to make ends meet for long.

"According to Crime Watch, the police took three months to catch one molester in the lift, so I think that in this case, they will probably take thirty years to catch the terrorist. And my husband is only a karanguni man, so I suppose he'll find that guy in twenty five years," she calculates.

"Still, it is a long time for me to provide for our three children all by myself."