THE KENTANG

Concerns Raised Over "Social Suicide Bombers"

2009-04-23T13:06:00.000-07:00

Following the hostile takeover of AWARE, several new members of the exco have received "death threats", with websites on the internet detailing the personal details of members and their family. These developments have prompted a public statement from the Society for the Protection of All Society Members (SPASM).

"What we are witnessing here is the unprecedented use of 'Social Suicide Bombers' in local civil society," states Mr Pontoon Pang, chief spokesperson for SPASM. "Basically, naive individuals are recruited by larger societies and indoctrinated with their fundamentalist ideas, often disguised as a benign religion such as Christianity or Scientology.

"Once impregnated with these views, the Social Suicide Bomber is sent out into society where they perform high profile acts such as hijacking secular organisations and insulting minorities. These lead to the Social Death of the Bomber, who suffers in terms of their safety, the safety of their loved ones, their careers, and their reputations," he explains.

"Yet in all the attention on the bomber, little notice is paid to the insidious mentors indoctrinating their members behind the scenes. These mentors remain hidden in the shadows, acting safely in their territory, then sending out their pawns to take the fall.

"Thus in the interest of protecting all members of society, SPASM recommends that Singaporeans avoid making petty comments and actively work together to locate and deal with the causes, not the effects of social division.

"We must love the sinners and condemn the sins, even if they do not extend such charity to us," he concludes.

Local Newspaper Draws Flak for "Promoting Christian Lifestyle"

2009-04-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

In the wake of the change of management at AWARE, local newspaper Singapore Times ran articles gossiping about the private lives of newly appointed members holding two newly created positions. These positions were that of Political Monthly Secretariat (PMS) and Honorary Consort (HC), filled by Mr Armadillo Chin and Ms Meteor Lau.

However, the paper has since drawn flak from local media watchdog Surveyors with the Fraternity (SWTF) who claim that the articles "promote the Christian lifestyle" and should have been censored. The Kentang interviews Mr Broccoli Boo, president of SWTF.

"Its true that nobody really knows who these new people were, and so we're all very happy to obtain juicy gossip about their private lives. However, we feel that the newspaper has overstepped its boundaries by painting them as individuals who are friendly, sociable, chatty, and good eaters," says Mr Boo.

"This is tantamount to promoting the Christian lifestyle, and should be unacceptable in our conservatively secular state," he explains.

Mr Boo draws a comparison between these articles and other media texts that promote the homosexual lifestyle, whatever that is. "Homosexuals are important to Singapore's economy, and essential in our pretence of being a liberal, democratic state. However, this does not mean we allow positive images of homosexuality in our arts and media, as the misconception that homosexuality is normal will definitely have an adversely fabulous impact on our youth. So far, we have been quite efficient at banning or censoring Oscar Awards and art films such as Boy, all of which attempt to show homosexuals as normal people with psychological and emotional depth.

"Similarly, while the Christian lifestyle of hymns and donations can be tolerated in our society, one must be careful of actively promoting the Christian lifestyle in the media by painting them as normal people with friends, family, and affability. Singapore, after all, is a conservative nation that is primarily secular, as constitutionally enshrined, and we should not allow anything beyond our pre-existing prejudices in a national paper. Therefore, we believe it is necessary to inform the paper of their error, hoping that they will be more stringent in their self-censorship next time, in order to preserve the status quo of our nation state," says Mr Boo.

"The alternative, of course, would be to allow for a greater range of representation of all religious, ethnic, and sexual groups, so that a more informed public that can properly debate issues can be nurtured. But this is, of course, an ideal impermissible in Singapore," he concludes.

comics without art.

2008-12-19T02:23:00.000-08:00

Singapore media has a longer reach

2008-10-23T21:28:00.001-07:00

In a medical survey conducted by the Ministry of Wellness, Singaporeans working in the virtually indistinguisable government and media corporations were found to develop arms 17% longer than the average Singaporean. Dr Masticate Mah, who conducted the survey, suggests that this was a trait "developed to be able to pat themselves on the back with increasing ease and efficiency."

Local politician Pecan Teoh has disputed the findings, claiming that it represents "a clear evolutionist bias that counters what I, and everyone, stands for. We cannot accept such findings just to maintain a facade of secularism and religious equality."

"The doctors can go stick a straw in their nose," she concluded.

Singaporeans well trained in avoiding responsibility

2008-10-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

A Singaporean was recently locked up for "drunken behaviour" during an alleged epileptic fit. According to the Straits Times, authorities refused to allow his mother to pass him medication and declined to contact a hospital to verify his condition until they were told by his brother that they would be "held responsible for his condition", following which, everything proceeded smoothly. This behaviour has been lauded by the Singaporean Society for Social Graces (SSSG), who have constantly been advising Singaporeans that proper social behaviour involves covering one's back and avoiding responsibility. The Kentang interviews Mr Abortion Ang, spokesperson for the SSSG.

"What we have here is an exemplary case of Singaporeans refusing to overstep the bounds of decency by taking responsibility for another human being through administering care and consideration, much less medication. We are glad that our message has clearly influenced the community: that it is more important to be responsible to your job and position, rather than to other human beings," says Mr Ang.

"Also laudatory is the correct attitude adopted by commentators on SgForums, who clearly exhibit the 'each man for himself' mindset by insisting that everyone be responsible for his own behaviour, and that no compassion should be shown to any epileptics who do not bring their medicine nor records of proof. After all, one should not be held responsible through his kindness if the person is merely citing epilepsy as an excuse for bad behaviour," he continues.

Stupid Straits Times Stories Quoted Verbatim no.1

2008-10-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

The first in our new feature series

The Straits Times Interactive, Breaking News [14/10/2008]
Costly park bench nap

Nappers can be fined $200 for misuse of park facility.

The National Parks Board (NParks) fined the private bus driver for having misused the park facility by sleeping on the bench. -- PHOTO: THE NEW PAPER

WHAT was supposed to be a free 15-minute nap on a park bench turned into a costly snooze for one Singaporean.

The New Paper on Tuesday reported that a 62-year-old, who only wanted to be known as Mr Kassim, was fined $200 when he dozed off on a Sun Plaza Park bench while taking shelter from the rain.

The National Parks Board (NParks) fined the private bus driver for having misused the park facility by sleeping on the bench.

The incident happened on Sept 1 at a park in Tampines.

Mr Kassim had dozed off on one of the wooden benches while seeking shelter from a heavy downpour. He woke up about 15 minutes later to see two men, who would later identify themselves as NParks rangers, walking towards him.

They asked for his identity card, told him he had 'abused park facilities by sleeping on the park bench', and issued him a ticket.

Mr Kassim accepted the ticket despite not knowing it was an offence to sleep on a park bench.

Five days later, he received an NParks letter detailing his offence and asking him to pay the $200 fine. When he went to the NParks office to make payment, he claimed he was told by a staff member that he could appeal.

But he decided against it, citing it would be a hassle.

According to an NParks spokesman, more than 10 people have been fined for misusing the facilities in the parks. The spokesman did not say if these specifically involved sleeping on park benches.

He told TNP: 'We try to create the conditions that make visitors feel at ease... When people abuse our parks by overstaying or squatting, they make genuine park users feel uncomfortable. Others sleep on benches or in shelters in an inconsiderate manner and deny park users from these facilities.'

Of eight regular park-goers surveyed by The New Paper, none knew that sleeping on park benches was an offence.

On the NParks website, there is a list of 'Dos' and 'Don'ts' for visiting parks. Sleeping on a park bench was not among the 'Don'ts', but there was a disclaimer which said the list was 'not exhaustive or intended to be a complete list of the prohibitions or regulations governing our parks'.

NUS to publish pioneering text on comparative couture

2008-10-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

In the most groundbreaking event since the unecessary construction of University Hall, Cultural Studies researchers at the National University of Singapore's Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences have published an exhaustive study that compares diva stage costumes across geographical and temporal boundaries.

Academically titled "Diva Drapery: The Development of Fabulous Costumes from Antiquity to the age of Transnational Capitalism", the study traces the roots of costume features commonly considered "diva", and show that they have their origins in South East Asia. Later sections attempt to paint Singapore (also known as Temasek) as the hub of the South East Asian diva couture industry: a Srivijayan centre of high fashion.

Professor of Sociology Ms Bovine Stroganoff, when intervied, claims that "the motivation of this book are entirely in line with Singapore's attempts at placing itself in the grander scheme of world culture, such as the F1 race."

A set of images from the chapter "Sarongs throughout the ages"

Balinese Diva

Burmese Diva

Transnational Capitalist Diva

Singapore F1 night race wows world

2008-09-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

The F1 night race, held in Singapore, wowed the world, reported the Straits Times.

Indeed, foreign talent Hysterectomy Mangrove, currently working as a local talent in California, said that he "was so impressed by the widespread television coverage of the race, that he went to play World of Warcraft."

Indeed, Blizzard reported extra high participation on all of its servers, confirming that indeed, we have wowed the world.

Singaporean Chinese safe to speak, says Ministry

2008-09-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

Local researches have detected trace amounts of melamine in local sources of Mandarin Chinese Mother Tongue. This has caused panic among the Singaporean Cheena population who are the most consistent users of the language. The Kentang interviews Dr Photosynthesis Pan, a life science researcher at the National University of Singapore.

"Our results were found through a fortunate accident," explains Dr Pan. "One of our China Chinese laboratory assistants happened to spit into several of our samples. These samples were found to have six hundred times the melamine of other samples, suggesting that his saliva was contaminated with the chemical."

Based on this lead, researchers were able to confirm that Mandarin Chinese Mother Tongue from China was contaminated with melamine. However government officials hurried to reassure Singaporean Chinese that they are safe.

"There is no cause for concern since the amount of melamine is directly proportionate to the PRC-ness of the Chinese spoken," says Mr Martini Mah, loudspeaker for the Ministry of Wellness. "Thus most Singaporean Chinese is safe for conversation, being at its safest almost unrecognisable as Chinese.

"However, Singaporeans who already have health problems are advised to speak proper Singaporean mother tongues such as Hokkien, Teochew, or Cantonese. Alternatively, speaking Singlish may be a good way to continue being understood, while avoiding melamine tainted tongues," advised Mr Mah.

Families broken as breadwinners leave jobs to join manhunt

2008-07-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

Following the offer of a one million Singapore dollar reward for the capture of Mas Selamat and the first three Singaporeans to become full-time bounty hunters, an increasing number of Singaporean men are leaving their jobs and families to go on hunting trips in neighbouring countries. This phenomena has been a cause for concern among the communities living in HDBs far above the rarefied depths of the landed properties inhabited by government minstrels, as many of the men involved come from lower income groups who are hoping that the reward will alleviate increasingly harsh financial situations.

"Currently, I'm working a variety of odd jobs that bring in $1200 monthly," said Mr Chauffer Chow, who holds a B(A) in English Ligatures from NUS. "This isn't enough to both pay off my student loans and support the family that I was told to have since I met my wife at an SDU functions; and I have to support my parents too.

"If I catch him, I can finally pay for everything without having to write any more of those 'Speak Good English' posters," he says.

Chow is optimistic about his chances of catching the elusive fugitive: "I speak Malay - I have a Malay aunt - which will probably give me an edge over those previous three commandos when searching in Indonesia."

His wife, however, is less sunny about their prospects. "We could get by before, given the standard of English in Singapore, but now that he's left his jobs I don't know if I can manage to placate his parents and pay for our children," she says.

"I guess this is the worst thing to happen since Mas Selamat was allowed to escape; the worst thing to us, at least," she says.

Many families share Mrs Chow's sentiments. Mrs Hula Hoop Huang, a housewife, is concerned that with her husband - the family's sole breadwinner - gone for an indeterminate amount of time, and herself with no marketable skills, she will not be able to make ends meet for long.

"According to Crime Watch, the police took three months to catch one molester in the lift, so I think that in this case, they will probably take thirty years to catch the terrorist. And my husband is only a karanguni man, so I suppose he'll find that guy in twenty five years," she calculates.

"Still, it is a long time for me to provide for our three children all by myself."

Singaporeans have new outlet for charity

2008-07-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

Singaporeans concerned about a lack of outlets for their new philanthrophic spirit can now rest easy, thanks to the recent opening of a new charity outlet in the country. The Kentang interviews Mdm Yeasty Gan, closet philanthrophist and chairwomen of the Mahjong Association of Tai-Tais (MATT).

"Singapore has experienced a surge in philanthrophic spirit ever since the recent call by our PM to give more of the money that we do not already donate to our country's ruling bodies to the less privieledged," began Mdm Gan.

"While this is generally a good thing - for one, it has allowed me to be more open with family and friends about my philanthrophy - many of my fabulously wealthy mahjong kakis have expressed reservations about the quality of charities in Singapore," she says.

Her friends' fears are not unwarranted: Singapore in recent times has witnessed many memorable scandals where leaders of charities are suspected or accused of misappropriating funds.

"Thus we were cheered, heartened and uplifted by the recent donation of one million dollars to the new 'Can We Catch Him? Yes We Can!' (CWCHYWC) fund, established by our government" says Mdm Gan. "I would urge all Singaporeans unsure of where to donate their spare cash to seriouly consider following these donor's example and treat the Singapore government as an outlet for charity. After all, with the amount we pay them, they're sure to be incorruptible, and will not abscond lightly with your hard philanthrophised earnings," she concluded optimistically.

FASS graduates highly sought after in Indoleighsia

2008-07-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

The nominally democratic and multiracist island-state of Indoleighsia, whose middle syllable reveals the island's colonial past, has become an attractive option for graduates in Arts and Social Sciences from the National University of Singapore. The Kentang interviewed Ms Wombat Wang, spokesperson for the Indoleighsian Police Force (IPF).

"The current situation in Indoleighsia is precarious, with an increasing number of protests over rising inflation and discontent over ministerial celery - the monthly allowance of celery given to our members of parliament," says Ms Wang. "Most of the populace simply do not understand the high levels of anal-retentiveness required to provide the good governance of our nation; all that expensive celery is thus necessary to provide our government leaders with the requisite amount of fiber.

"Consequently, there is an increasing need for law enforcement agents who specialise in crowd control and management - riot police, in short. And our current recruitment schemes are targeted at bringing in FASS graduates, especially females," she continued.

"Many of our youth choose to study in NUS as Singapore is relatively near to our country; those who study at the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences are amazed by the groups of female students who are able to obstruct busy passageways merely by chatting and strolling. These girls appear oblivious to the blockage they produce behind them, especially during periods of heavy student flow from one location to another, and are equally impervious to entreaties of 'excuse me', or even threats of violence, blocking even the most determined shrug with a wave of their distended shoulder bags.

"Therefore, we find them the best candidates available for riot police, needing minimal training and preparation - causing obstructions seems to come to them naturally," concludes Ms Wang.

The Kentang interviewed several of these Singaporean mercenaries during a street demonstration where Indoleighsians protested libel suits against politicians from opposition parties. Most were chatting on their handphones, too oblivious to any other human presence, but one, Ms Marshmallow Chua, a literature major, said that her job "beats being a teacher any day - I get paid for standing around talking to my friends, so I can safely say that I'm applying what I learned in university."

Singapore media to shield Singaporeans from western internet

2008-05-05T17:48:00.000-07:00

As Singaporeans become increasingly internet savvy, state authorities have unleashed a wave of its own internet content in a bid to shield Singaporeans from the harmful effects of long term exposure to western values. The Kentang interviews local foreign talent Ms Pyongyang Pan, spokesperson for the Singapore Blogosphere Development Council (SBDC).

"In the past, our agents revealed the internet as a haven for irresponsible bloggers, western pornography, and homosexual agendas, which nonetheless has incredible value to not only the New Economy, but the Newer Economy," she began. Showing off her university pedigree, she defined Singapore's role in the Newer Economy as "a global telecommunications hub standing at the confluence of a remarkable delta of (re)channelled desire surging towards a capitalist sea."

"Our aim was to harness the internet as an economic tool, while keeping non-economic heartlanders away from its less savoury effects. While our mission and vision remains the same, what has changed is our approach: instead of following China's lead and establishing a Great Firewall, we hope that our programmes establish a 'Great Merlion', deterring Heartlanders through a mixture of shame and loathing."

Such programmes, according to Ms. Pan include the MDA rap (garnering over 200,00 views, equivalent to the popularity of a clip on talented foreign prostitution), the Singapore 2015 clip, and an updated version of "Constable Acai".

"Thus abjecting the internet out of their lives, Singaporeans will return to family values and more directly controlled state media, leaving the internet to trained professionals interacting through proper protective gear" concludes Ms. Pan.

Certain nuclear family oriented groups such as Frottage on the Family (FotF) supported this move. Dr. Gestation Gan, a paid psychologist for the self-proclaimed secular, asexual and biodegradable group says that, "As reported in 'My Paper', a survey conducted to corroborate government expectations indicates that even more Singaporeans are being told they to want to wed and have 2.2 children. Thus it is imperative that these 1.2 new children per family are given a healthy family environment and are kept away from the deliberating effects of the internet, so that the wholesome energies of our morning talk show can truly rub off on them."

Parents fear impact of M18 rating on video games

2008-04-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

The governments decision to place M18 ratings on selected video games has gone down well with some parents. One mother of two teenage boys, when interviewed by the Straits Times, hopes, in fact, that shops will be responsible when selling games to teenagers, and take the ratings seriously, without questioning the reasons themselves.

However, other parents are less enthusiastic about the move. The Cultural Association for Responsible Parents in Singapore(CARPS) has issued a statement "expressing concern over the new ratings and its implications for parents". The Kentang interviews Madam Panellist Pang, a spokesparent for CARPS.

"Basically what we are witnessing is a gradual increase in both the number of rating categories and the types of media on which they are applied. This means the duty of educating our youth has become correspondingly overtaken by the state, and out of the hands of parents," claims Madam Pang.

"However what concerns us is that as the media becomes more regulated, parents and associations such as CARPS have less things to blame should our children actually turn out socially dysfunctional," she asserts. "As it is, Singaporean parents are too busy working to provide the capital necessary to invest in their children's futures and thereby, their own old age. It is thus unfair to expect them to also morally educate their offspring. Taking away avenues of blame for parents of dysfunctional children increases the stress on parents and potential parents, eventually lowering the net birth rate in Singapore.

"We are not asking for a total removal of guidelines, merely expressing our concern that the state is going too far in this measure: if our children still go astray, then video games, with their stringent rating, will no longer be a convenient scapegoat since access to the whoring and violence they portray will be restricted. Parents will be forced to guide their children into critically assessing the media they consume, since they will be blamed (the government is never wrong) when the youth turn out to be dysfunctional, choosing lives of violence and premarital sex," concludes Madam Pang.

In response, Dr. Proboscis Yip (PhD, M.D., A lvl. 4 A1, O lvl. 9A1, PSLE 276), a government psychologist counters that "technically all Singaporeans are babies of the state, so I don't quite see how an M18 label is cause for concern." His colleague, Dr. Honey Hung (PSLE 203) concurs, reassuring CARPS that "the government will never place full responsibility for youth into the hands of mere parents, since parents themselves may often have thoughts of their own regarding the upbringing of their children."

Online open letter to reinstate section 377 initiated

2007-10-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

Following online debates to keep or repeal section 377A of the penal code, which deals with "gross indecency" between two men, the Singapore Society for Moral Conservatism (SSMC) has initiated an open letter of their own, which calls on the government to reinstitute the entire section 377 of the penal code, effectively making any form of sex behaviour apart from procreative vaginal intercourse illegal. The Kentang interviewed Mr Sanitary Tan, chairman of the SSMC.

"The SSMC, being a society that views itself as representative of a conservative moral majority, whatever that may be, naturally opposes the repeal of 377A," begins Mr Tan.

"However, to speak of repeal of retention of this by-law is besides the point. Such an issue would not have come up if Singapore society had not faltered and repealed section 377 in the first place. The only aim of sexual activity is procreation, and thus it provides no benefits for Singapore by having this section repealed," he continues.

"In fact, by distracting us from procreative sex through such abominable sexual deviancy such as oral sex, mutual masturbation, and abstinence, the repeal of section 377 is in fact harmful to the nation. This is our opinion and therefore the opinion of the nation. We wouldn't want our children growing up in a land of sin galore," he punned badly. "In the interests of maintaining both a fair and moral society, to continue attracting the foreigners, we should not discuss the repeal of part of a law, but rather reinstate the entire law, ensuring equal repression for Singapore society.

"Before long we will be educating our children on the use of condoms as a method of engaging in irresponsible sex. We will have sexual parades in the street. We will have people who engage in such deviant sexual acts as blowjobs and mutual masturbation adopting children. At that point, the nature of Singaporean society will have evolved far beyond its current conservative outcome, and the fabric of our nation will be ruined," argued Mr Tan.

Mr Tan also points out the perceptive argument of the keep 377a camp, which objects to repealing 377a based on a hypothetical future where further gay rights are foisted on society. "It is regrettable that these people did not make their arguments earlier when 377 itself was being repealed," he said. "Surely they could have also forseen the push for equal rights that is happening now, and would have argued to keep the entire section 377. What is now occuring is rightly allowing us to prepare for the future, but it should also be a reason to correct our past," he claims.

"Ultimately what's important is harnessing the law to skew open debate in society to our side. When what the majority of the law feels is morally wrong is also illegal, then there is harmony for us, and our children," he concludes.

Singapore sees rise in sales of plain clothes

2007-10-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

With more Singaporeans expressing concern and raising awareness for the situation in Burma, as well as the Singapore government's involvement with the Burmese military junta, the plain clothes industry is enjoying an small boom in business.

Such periodic increases in sales are not unexpected, and even fairly routine, according to Mr Miscellaneous Lee, owner of the plain clothes boutique "Nondescript". "Every now and then the Singapore population becomes more active in either politics, civil society, or campaigning for human rights, and more plain clothes policemen and surveillance personnel are needed to return society to healthy levels of apathy," he says.

Ms Wallpaper Wong, a tailor who designs and produces many of the generic yet somehow recognisable plain shirts and pants of the plain clothes agent, echoes Mr Lee's sentiments. "I think our last sales peak was during IndigNation, and previously we had a really large boom thanks to the IMF meetings," she adds.

As these plain clothes individuals move around Singapore, looking menacingly at any attempt at being political interested, while also demanding personal information and acting as spokespeople for shadowy ministries, other industries also benefit. Shop owners at Sim Lim Square have noticed a marked increase in purchases of memory cards, digital cameras, camcorders, and audio recording devices. Mr Umbilical Chua, one such shop owner who recently sold three digital cameras to plain clothes agents, says he "can't wait for the next political upheaval in a foreign country that causes Singaporeans to become politically active and aware of their own restricted position."

Refugees from en bloc sales flee to historical estates

2007-09-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

Refugees from a recent wave of en-bloc sales are fleeing to the two estates designated as historic venues: Hougang and Potong Pasir. Almost all of them are victims of majority votes that cost them their homes, their memories, and the walking-distance proximity to their favourite hawkers.

Due to the large influx of refugees, many of the families, senior citizens, and nostalgia-addicted university students have ended up with a larger dose of nostalgia than they had hoped for: many end up sharing partitioned flats with other families in a style reminiscent of early housing in Singapore as described by social studies textbooks. Still, to many of these people, the promise of living away from unceasing "urban renewal" is worth the compromise. The Kentang interviewed several of these majority vote refugees.

"After we lost our old home, my family and I searched all over the island for a place that would grant our children a link to their childhood past, a physical reminder of our growing up memories," says Mr Angsana Ang, who has two children in their early 20s. "But increasingly, the HDBs of the 80s are either being demolished, or being upgraded with dubious architecture. Many of the newer estates have peculiar sounding names which nobody uses, which nonetheless hover in the vicinity like the odour of unwashed urban planners."

"We felt that in an opposition estate that is unlikely to get carved up as it allows the veneer of democracy in our republic, our children can have a place to truly come home to, something comforting and familiar, and at least relatively stable; maintained by force of principle and not economics," he concludes.

Mr Vivisection Huang, a medical student at NUS echoed this sentiment: "I've already lost so many of the places I liked to hang out in, such as the old medical library in NUS, and the old National Library. Memories, and a sense of belonging, are things that just can't be easily replaced by flashy new buildings, somebody else's notions of economic progress, and newly redundant road tunnels."

Many of the refugees share this sense of loss. "There is a sense that our real memories are being demolished, leaving us with just a few disparate 'historical' sites to point to 'our heritage' and 'shared values' that satisfy tourists more than Singaporeans," mused Ms Wanton Wang, a literature student at NUS. "Why must progress necessitate a constant destruction of our past? What exactly are we running away from? Why can't the new also incorporate the old, like they did in Melbourne, for instance?" she asked rhetorically, knowing full well that this was Singapore, and not a westernised space such as Melbourne that lies to the east.

However, some of the refugees had more practical concerns. "The old HDBs take longer to demolish than the new HDBs take to build," claims Mdm Ratih binte Ningsih. "Nowadays the things are just built so quickly and not made to last, just there to look pretty until they can renovate. Who knows what may happen if more tremors from Indonesia reach us?"

While some were concerned for their safety, others were concerned for their sanity. Mr Bungaraya Istimewa, an international student at NUS, chose to rent a flat in Hougang because of the older 151 buses he has to take to school.

"At least they don't have TV mobile," he says.

Singapore may face critical shortage of glam, warn analysts

2007-09-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

Recent statements derived from older arguments made by a minister derived from an older minister could threaten Singapore's image, say analysts. The Kentang interviews Professor Patpong Pang, head and shoulders of the Emotional Matrix Observatory (EMO) at NUS.

"PM Lee's retention of section 377(a) based on the way Singaporeans 'feel' could exacerbate the situation where talented homosexuals increasingly choose to leave a country that expressly and spinelessly contradicts its own nationalist rhetoric in order to exclude a portion of its own citizenry. This will have a negative impact in all sectors, but perhaps none as severe as Singapore's levels of glam," began Prof Pang.

"As the number of homosexuals in Singapore declines, we can expect poorer haircuts, a declining standard of fashion, even fewer clubs with decent music," posits Prof Pang. "This will have a direct impact on Singapore's global image, as it will be increasingly impossible to find a decently made-up face to put on local tourism and other seductive brochures. We risk being out-glammed by other glamorous destinations in the region such as Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur and Manila.

"While we could use meterosexuals as a stop gap measure to stem the shortage of glam, this is, in the long run, unfeasible, as they simply don't possess the true inner glam, the diva within, the queenly interiors, required to sustain our country for all posterity," he says.

However, a consistent model of government by feeling may not be an entirely negative state of affairs. "Based on findings by EMO's Emotional Measurement Unit (EMOEMU), If the Singapore government chooses to be consistent about governing based on feeling, then we can looks forward to a radical decrease in ministerial salaries in the near future," explains Prof Pang.

Local vigilantes refuse to apologise to NUS students

2007-08-07T04:44:00.000-07:00

The National Independent Police Party Law Enforcers (NIPPLE), a group of Singaporean volunteers who routinely conduct entrapment and private law enforcement activities to assist local police have mistakenly arrested students from NUS who were selling flags as part of the university's Rag and Flag event.

LTC(NS) Ms Brinjal Lee, Chairperson of NIPPLE, claims that the misunderstanding arose from the pink t-shirts the students were wearing. "We are currently on alert against anybody wearing bright pink, as they may be members of a deviant homosexual faction threatening to terrorise Singapore through activities disguised as a harmless picnic in the botanic gardens." she explains. The authorities have wisely banned the event, preventing these frayed hems of the Singaporean fabric from tearing to the centre; however, as the conservative Singaporeans that Singapore protects, NIPPLE is constantly on the alert to prevent such activities from taking place.

"It may look like a simple picnic in a park, but allowing such activity sends out messages we cannot afford," Ms Lee elaborates. "You send the message to homosexuals that it is all right for them to sit in public places happy with who they are, doing normal activities like you and I. It is not just a mere picnic, it is an affirmation of their individual rights to utilise public places despite their sexual orientation."

Unfortunately for the NUS students, their pink t-shirts, issued as part of NUS' Rag and Flag '07, triggered off alarm bells at NIPPLE, who dispatched teams of volunteers carrying concealed weapons to apprehend these students. Altogether, 50 students were assaulted and brought to NIPPLE headquarters at Bras Besar road for questioning.

Mr Textbook Phua, one of the students apprehended, says that NIPPLE enforcers accused him of collecting money to fund homosexual activities, and insisted that he follow them. "I had read the notes supplied to me thoroughly, and was certain that while we were helping many charitable organisations, we were not supporting any homosexual activities," he claims. This did not deter NIPPLE personnel who cheerfully beat him with truncheons before loading him into their van.

When their mistake was revealed, NIPPLE released the students, but refused to make any apology to them nor NUS, claiming they were "only doing their duty as the conservative minority who must represent the morals of the Singaporean people." Enraged students and academic staff of NUS are organising forums and writing papers to address the social concerns raised by this incident; it is expected that all these activities will be banned by the authorities.

Turning off TV Mobile could lower transport costs

2007-08-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

Following the request by transport monopolies SBS and SMRT to raise fare prices, local think tank Not Say I Want To Say (NSIWTS) has conducted an independent study to investigate ways of reducing energy costs for both SBS and SMRT. The Kentang interviewed Auntie Malaria Mah, chief spokesperson for NSIWTS.

"Both SMRT and SBS cite rising energy costs as a major problem, and SMRT mentioned losing 11 million due to the GST hike. Not say we want to say, but it seems that the latter problem can be solved by reducing GST from 7% to 5%, which will also help save the government at least part of the S$10 million it intends to spend on helping the less fortunate cope with GST related fare hikes," says Auntie Mah. "The shortfall can be made up for by increasing taxation on those who earn an equivalent amount to Singapore's top 48 top earners in the private sector in six professions.

"Rising energy costs could be combated by removing all TV mobiles from buses. Gratuitous advertising screens at MRT stations that are too small and annoying for effective advertising, could be replaced by simple displays that inform commuters only of the waiting time until the next train," Auntie Mah said reluctantly. "Besides lowering energy consumption, these measures can also reduce noise and visual pollution, essential in reducing the Nuthouse effect on the Singaporean populace. Remember," she warns, "that the Nuthouse effect is Singapore's leading cause of bodohs forming."

"Not that we want to say them, but we wonder if transport companies in Singapore have fully explored alternative measures to reduce costs before raising prices," Auntie Mah concluded.

Study conducted by NSFs formally ignored

2007-07-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

Following recent media buzz over Li Hongyi's letter of complaint regarding lax standards of discipline amongst officers in the SAF, another group of soon to ORD NSFs, led by 2LT Equestrian Ang, have conducted a formal study of SAF practices and have circulated their findings on the MINDEF mailing list.

Unlike the former letter, this study was conducted by officers and corporals who had already completed their university studies, and were serving out their final few months in army. Thus they employed considerable academic rigour and a wide range of methods in their investigations. When interviewed, 2LT Ang said that calling the SAF "fucked up" was a common occurrence, especially amongst NSFs, and he and his team conducted the investigation to find out just how much was NSF resentment, and how much was valid. "Certainly, casual observation will tell you that there are both highly capable officers and specialists in the SAF, as well as people who aren't worth the oxygen, much less the pay they're getting," says 2LT Ang. "We just wanted to find out, empirically, the general state of affairs."

However, since none of the participants were the sons nor grandsons of anybody important, their report was duly disregarded by channels both proper and improper, and none of them were charged. All of them have proceeded to migrate to other countries after their ORD.

New Society Established to Help Families of Censors

2007-06-21T01:12:00.000-07:00

A new non-profit society, Society for the Mitigation of Cruelty to Censors (SMCC) has been established, which will provide required emotional counselling to Singaporean Censors and their families. The Kentang interviewed Ms Deodorant Chua, chairman of the society.

"Singaporeans today enjoy a standard of moral protection nearly unrivalled outside the Middle East," states Ms Chua. "Our comprehensive systems of censorship absolve the average Singaporeans from responsibly thinking for themselves, placing their emotional and moral well being in the expert hands of the authorities."

"Yet what many Singaporeans do not realise, is that to maintain such good services nationwide, we must constantly subject a team of censors to the unparalleled levels of filth and value-corruption that the rest of us are spared," she continues. "In order to bring you the expertly censored videos, Singaporean censors must first watch them uncensored, exposing themselves to dangerous levels of sexual depravity, assorted prejudices, independent ideas, and freedom of speech as well as the occasional scene of violence.

"Over time, this strains the moral fabric of the censor, creating a slippery slope where the censor is no longer able to function as a moral, conservative, Singaporean. Influenced by the uncensored material they watch, our censors become interested in politics, anarchic in outlook, support freedom of sexual expression, become aware of their genitals, question their religious beliefs, and may even be tempted to engage in sexual intercourse," asserts Ms Chua. "Such a person is obviously unable to continue an untroubled existence in Singapore."

To help these censors injured by uncensored media in the line of duty, SMCC will provide counselling, organise support groups, educate their family on dealing with mental illness, and finance electroshock therapy for the terminally affected. "It is hoped that by these measures, we can both express our appreciation for censorship in Singapore, and allow censorship to continue flourishing in our island nation," concludes Ms Chua.

New penal code demands homosexual behaviour from homosexual

2007-05-30T05:54:00.000-07:00

Three homosexuals, identified through their dossiers, have been apprehended for flouting new laws in Singapore's penal code that requires homosexuals to behave in a way that will not promote homosexuality. Mr Falwell Chua, Mr Liquidation Heng, and Mr Confucious Tan, accountants at Singapore's most prominenetly boring accountancy firm, were arrested by police for behaving heterosexually when they had no right to do so.

At the time of their arrest, the three homosexuals were eating chicken rice at a hawker centre near their office. They were approached by a stranger who asked to share their table. Unknown to them, the stranger was actually plain clothes policeman Inspector Sequin Soh, conducting an entrapment raid on Homosexuals Promoting Homosexual Behaviour (HPHB).

"The three homosexuals did not attempt to humour my excessively slutty behaviour, and cast me disparaging looks," says Inspector Soh. "They did not compliment nor gasp at my thighs, toned through hours of step classes at California Fitness Gym, and clad in silky FBT shorts; nor did they praise my new tiara and hand crafted dragon boat paddle. This could send the message to impressionable members of the public that homosexuals are normal people who are capable of normal Singaporean behaviour, namely being boring and conservative."

Lawyer Lubricant Liu, says that while the introduction of the new laws were not surprising, their enforcement was. "Singapore media currently censors any material that promotes a homosexual lifestyle, so its expected that they clamp down on real life homosexuals with lifestyles that look attractive to Singaporeans, such as the attractively stable life of accountants, civil servants, or stockbrokers"he explains.

"Still, my colleagues and myself figured that it was mainly a law just set down on paper, without being enforced in practice, like 377(a)." In light of recent events, Mr Liu advises all homosexuals to behave in flamboyant ways that flount the values of conservative Singaporean society, "just to be safe".

Mr Conjugally Heterosexual Chan, a professional housewife, supports the moves of the authorities - in particular their hip-hop ones. "If homosexuals act like decent people, our children might be misled into thinking its okay. There will then be a lubricated tube leading to further depravity - these homosexuals won't be content with telling us how to dress, they become more brazen and arrogant and eventually be telling us how to live our lives and what we should have sex with," he exclaimed.

"The government needs to protect moral family oriented Asians like us by ensuring that homosexuals consistently act like the corrupt decadent Westerners they really are", he concludes.

All three homosexuals were subjected to corrective behaviour treatment under IMH psychiatrist Dr. Simian Song. They successfully emerged from their treatment at the Nee Soon Camp Drama and Music Company in tight sleeveless tops, feather boas, and new PhDs in hairdressing.

Further entrapment raids are expected to be conducted in all areas where homosexuals are known to behave in a socially acceptable manner, such as Chinese New Year reunion dinners.

NUS to Pioneer Ozone Layer Replenishment

2007-05-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

Researchers at the National University of Singapore Faculty of Science have discovered a new and simple way to solve global problems of ozone depletion. Professor Wrapper Wan, leader of the multi-disciplinary team of multi-national multi-cultural researchers explains that the process involves "harnessing the ozone produced during photocopying, and sending it up into the ozone layer".

"Our research began with findings that university graduates in Singapore are less likely to develop skin cancer. We discovered that this was due to the four years of their life shielded from ultraviolet radiation by the bubble of ozone gas that surrounds NUS from all the copious photocopying." Prof Wan explained.

"As ozone depletes quickly, however, we have found that it can only be used to supplement the ozone layer if the photocopying takes place at high altitudes, such as a mountain," he continues.

In response to this, NUS, in a joint collaboration with other top Australian universities is working together to shift the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences to Ayers Rock. Professor Mentos Mah, Viceroy-Chancellor of NUS says that the decision arrived after conducting a study to determine the [(Photocopy volume):(Perceived Benefit to Singapore)] ratio. "It was found that FASS students photocopy 5638% more frequently than students from other faculties, the result of heavy external reading requirements, the need to write essays, and stingy literature students," claims Prof Mah. "In the eyes of the public, however, all they are good for is being teachers, a result we achieved from a survey of 2500 taxi drivers from various companies in Singapore."

The relocation of FASS is expected to take place in 2010 when the construction of the NUS Pioneer Campus: Ayers Rock Complex is complete. Prof Wan expressed optimism that "an increased assignment of heavy course readings from prohibitively expensive texts will ensure that photocopying levels are at an optimum to facilitate the rehabilitation of the ozone layer, and save our planet."

Posts Removed

2007-05-10T07:10:00.000-07:00

Have decided to remove a couple of earlier posts, not due to any external pressure, but a decision that laughter (at least here), should be directed at institutions, not people. To do otherwise is to reduce an individual to an argument/ ideal/ role, which would make this site no better than some of the institutions it laughs at.

That and they weren't that funny to begin with.

Singaporeans to Attempt New World Record

2007-04-21T05:41:00.000-07:00

A multicultural team of four Singaporeans will soon endeavour to set a new world record for the longest sustained hostile sentiment. Each member of the team will hurl abuse at a target for thirty seconds in various languages. At the end of thirty seconds, a new member will immediately move to the front and continue the harangue. The final effect is described as "a constant, never ending stream of abuse, guaranteed to ensure the recipient, his/her ancestors, his/her immediate family, and his/her unborn children sufficient discomfort to fall down the stairs in resignation".

The four members of the team come from all four official races of Singapore's racial CIMO mix-up: Mr Annabelle Chee Hong Guan represents the Chinese; Mdm Nonok Binte Nenas Sarawak the Malay Community; Mr Umar Tharman the Indian Community, and Mr. Pereira Johannes Mabuhay Pierre Luiz Otaku !kung Kummanwatchaporn (or Disney, for short) proudly reflects all the others.

While waiting for their turn, the team will have their tempers raised by their supporters, who will be reading out various articles from the Straits Times covering a diverse range of highly enraging content, including reports on elections, transport fare hikes, selected pay raises, GST hikes, and the articles by Andy Ho.

However, despite their desire to bring glory and world recognition to all people of Singapore, the group has been banned from making their attempt while actually in the country, due to authorities' fears that spectators may suffer the harmful effects of overexposure to Singlish and Dialects. Unfazed by this decision, Mdm Nonok furiously says that "We will continue to bring glory to our country, even if we have to do it in Phuket. We are not disappointed by this turn of events, rather, we are even more committed to swear at our country, for our country."

Section 377C to criminalise unnatural acts of language

2007-03-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

Singapore may soon introduce a section 377C into the Penal Code to specifically penalise "unnatural acts in the English language". The proposed text runs as follows:

377C. Any Singapore citizen who, in public or private, commits, or abets the commission of, or procures or attempts to procure the commission by any other person of, any act of grammatical indecency in the English language with another person, shall be punished with seven (7) strokes of the cane as well as being subject to a firm oral scrubbing.

The article then proceeds to define "grammatical indecency in the English language" as:

Any act of speech which runs counter to the standard grammars within the English language such as but not limited to: unnatural insertion of foreign grammars into English, illicit manipulation of word order(s), indecent exposure of foreign sentence particles, and unwarranted penetration of foreign words within an English corpus.

Mr. Linguistic bin Kuning, spokesperson from the Ministry for Informing the Arts says that "such measures are necessary to protect the majority of Singaporeans who are conservative in their language and who find such unnatural acts related to a primarily Singlish lifestyle sinful, abhorrent and deviant."

Opposition to the proposed change has been typically vociferous and ineffective. Enraged writers have considered setting up underground "poetry clubs", where members may speak with wanton disregard to such grammatical rules such as word order and syntax. Mr Alfredo Seah, a local writer, claims that the Minister's remarks "reveal blatant discrimination against Singlish speakers in Singapore."

Local Kopitiams have considered posting lookouts for anyone who may be an undercover civil linguist and warning their customers of the danger. Mr Cauliflower Chan, owner of a Kopitiam in Sengkang, expresses the general sentiment of Kopitiam owners who run the risk of being prosecuted for protecting such linguistic criminals. "I believe there will always be a percentage of Singaporeans who speak Singlish," he says. "It is less a matter of lifestyle than simply the way things are for them. While I otherwise couldn't care less about them, it is in my interest for them to patronise my tenant’s stalls, and I support them insofar as they can support me.

On the other hand, The National Council of Children's Schoolteachers (NCCS), which represents major groups of Primary, Secondary and Tertiary Schoolteachers, has lauded the government's harsh stance on linguistic fornication, and proposed that the law be extended to other languages as well. Ms Pontianak Phua, Chairman of the NCCS wrote an article published in "Monthly Methodical" stating NCCS' "commendation of the government's clear, equivocal and bold stand against the pollution that is creeping into the national fabric of our nation's language. While this ruling may be controversial in some quarters, it is perfectly legitimate in ours, which is all that matters." She also recommends the criminalisation of such unnatural acts of language to be extended to the other three languages currently in use in Singapore: Chinese, Malay and Tamil.

A Note

2007-02-25T04:09:00.000-08:00

Readers of The Online Citizen who may have come across the article titled "Hip Hopping MPs" should note that writers at The Kentang had previously emailed the owner of The Online Citizen requesting that the article not be used as it was deemed not funny enough. While The Kentang is aware that most people wouldn't really care, nor, for that matter, read more than is required to prove the article's fictionality, our editors still feel a need to assert that whimsy is our primary concern, not politics, though where they coincide may be a rather fertile plot.

Durai Saga fan fiction competition launched

2007-01-18T08:01:00.000-08:00

“Patter”, an online web portal affiliated to The Straits Times, has launched a “Durai Saga” fan fiction competition. According to Patter’s deputy editor, Mr Kimberly Faucet Chua, the competition will “allow Singaporeans to actively participate in citizen journalism and thereby feel more closely bonded to their nation.”

Participants in the competition write a fan fiction story based on the current Durai Saga, placing its anti-hero, former NKF chief executive T.T. Durai, in various fantasy situations that take place in an alternate universe that comes to an end with his trial.

Full article at The Online Citizen

PAP may adopt old song as new anthem

2007-01-02T07:18:00.000-08:00

Sources indicate that the PAP may adopt the community song "We are Singapore" as their party anthem. If the plan goes through, the song will no longer be heard in the National Day period, but broadcast vehemently during election periods.

When asked to comment, Mr Nostril Lee, a junior minister, said "well we are, aren't we?"

Singaporean students to be re-valued monthly

2007-01-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

Keeping in line with Singapore’s goal to extract maximum value from every Singaporean Student, the Ministry of Emulation has drafted a new scheme that is remarkable for its innovativeness in the number of buzzwords it manages to employ. The Kentang interviewed Mr. Vivobioluptous Hopkins Fan, Chief Executive Officer of the Ministry of Emulation.

Full Post at The Online Citizen

Hawker Arrested for Counterfeit Advertising

2006-12-10T00:03:00.000-08:00

Mr Chunky Chee, a Chicken Rice hawker at Boon Lay Market, has been arrested for placing counterfeit promotional articles in front of his stall in a bid to lure customers away from another 4 stalls within the market also selling chicken rice. Police have confiscated the counterfeit articles, including one counterfeit Straits Times promotional article, one counterfeit Lianhe Zaobao article, one counterfeit Tamil Murasu article, and one digitally manipulated picture of Chua Enlai showing a thumbs up in front of the stall.

Police were given a tip off from a concerned member of the public, Mr Conjugally Heterosexual Tan, owner of four forcefully heterosexual children. Mr Tan was the first customer to notice that there was something amiss with the advertisement, being the only person to actually read them. "I noticed that the Straits Times article contained less grammatical errors and a more sophisticated vocabulary than commonly employed," he states. His suspicions aroused, he then proceeded to scrutinise the picture of Chua Enlai. "Above his succulent, hunky bicep were signs of digital manipulation," he concludes.

Diners were alarmed when two policemen went up to the stall during a crowded lunchtime, and asked the queue in front of Mr Chee's stall to disperse.

"I was alarmed," said housewife Mdm Apparatus Ang, who spoke to us in Singlish "I was peacefully standing in the queue for my favourite chicken rice, when suddenly two armed policemen marched up and told us to disperse. For a moment I thought that our queue constituted an illegal gathering." She was relieved when the policemen turned away from the customers, and proceeded to apprehend Mr Chee.

Mr Chee did not resist arrest, and the officials escorted him back to the neighbourhood police post where he was interrogated for close to four minutes. Mr Chee was described as "a tough durian to crack" by Inspector Mahabharata Mah who had earlier conducted the arrest. Finally, however, Mr Chee confessed to counterfeiting the articles himself on his son's desktop.

"I never thought that there was somebody who actually read these articles," says Mr Chee. "Although my customers assure me that my chicken rice is tastier than those from the other stalls, I'm still losing business to them as they have genuine newspaper articles and photographs of celebrities."

Hawkers using counterfeit promotional material face a maximum sentence of four (4) strokes of the cane as well as a hefty $5000 fine. Authorities claim that the heavy sentence is justified by the need to safeguard Singaporean taste buds from culinary terrorists such as Mr Chee. When interviewed, former patrons of his store expressed indifference at being fooled, and regret for the loss of a fine chicken rice store in their area. "I think the next decent chicken rice stall is all the way in West Coast Market," laments Mdm Ang.

Singaporeans take The Kentang seriously

2006-12-08T10:53:00.000-08:00

Editors at The Kentang have reason to believe that Singaporeans are taking articles in their publication seriously. This has led to widespread consumption of potato chips at their head office.

The Kentang first noticed an article in Today by Dharmendra Yadav regarding the self regulation of blogs, in which he calls upon bloggers to form their own association. This was followed by support from an article in The Online Citizen. While some criticism exists regarding the feasibility of such an association, Singaporean authorities have already established such a watchdog, the SBDC.

While the veracity of this article has been attested to by a prestigious mainstream media replacement, The Kentang is happy to have further proof of being taken more seriously than The New Paper. "At least we run it through Microsoft Word's spell checker," claims Mr. Giordano Gay, deputy chief proof reader at The Kentang. The Kentang is also proud to have reported the first instance of a minister aiming to get in touch with local youth, an event unreported by the mainstream media, but significant as its success has led to other politicians believing they could look cool, to comedic effect.

Potong Pasir and Hougang to be designated as Historic Venues

2006-12-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

Plans are being drafted to designate Potong Pasir and Hougang as areas of historic value and architectural interest, and, since such aesthetic and cultural claims are unprofitable on their own, as a tourist venue as well. The Kentang speaks to Mr. Quickie Quek, leader of the project committee.

"Our original task was to create a new tourist attraction in Singapore that would be, as all our projects aim to be nowadays, Uniquely Singaporean," began Mr. Quek. "Besides this, our projects must incorporate some element of Singapore's Heritage.”

The committee toyed with the usual ideas: to revive the Asian Village on Sentosa, to charge entrance fees to Haw Par Villa once again, and even considered re-opening the Tang Dynasty City as a 'Tang Dynasty City circa 908'.

"While their earlier failures and public opinion did not dissuade us, we realised that these projects were all too expensive, and we should merely attempt to repaint something local,” continues Mr. Quek.

While brainstorming for venues in Singapore that had not been painted, the committee hit upon the idea to transform the Opposition wards of Potong Pasir and Hougang into a historic site to attract foreign tourist dollar. At ‘Oppoland’ foreigners will be able to experience first hand life in a HDB estate circa the 1970s, untouched by the new facades of HDB upgrading schemes..

"After the two wards are demarcated as a tourist venue, we will take pains to ensure that their integrity is preserved," claims Mr. Quek. "We will not repaint and restore the estates as we have previously done in Chinatown, as we feel it might constitute unauthorised upgrading in the constituencies. Instead, residents can look forward to large signs proclaiming their status as a 'Heritage Site', and the continued presence of their original architecture."

Local Politicians take new stabs at connecting with youth

2006-11-14T14:26:00.000-08:00

Government Minstrels, faced with nonchalance, disappointment, and hysterical laughter at their attempts to connect with Singapore's youth through Hip Hop and Blogs, now plan to go back to university in an attempt to, in their words, "get jiggy with it". The Kentang speaks to the Minstrel of Domestic Womanpower, Mrs. Virement Tan, one of the Minstrels who have opted to return to varsity life.

When asked what prompted such a radical foray into the lives of Singapore Youth, Mrs. Tan claimed that previous endeavours were actually successful, since online feedback is largely unofficial and negligible. At the same time she stressed the need to keep trying to connect. "The youth of today are apathetic about politics, a result of people like us giving them everything they need. We need to let them feel they can talk to us, to let them feel they have an active voice in things through our connection. We need to reach out to the young generation, understand the young, be in tune with them, same wavelength, knowing how they react, their blog and their hip hop and their Ministry of Sound: in short, how to move and motivate them. In this way we can better understand their mentality and thereby instruct them in the error of their ways more efficiently," claims Mrs. Tan.

"After all," she continues, "one of our local boys, Ephraim Loy, has been immensely helpful in contributing to our connective endeavours, and look how much he's achieved in fostering two way connections between my colleague and the public? And how much another of my blogging colleagues has come to connect with his ward? Critics may declaim us as frivolous, but even ministers in other countries are doing it, so, as Singaporeans, we should aim to do it even better."

These encouraging successes in the blogosphere have only spurred local minstrels to want to do more. "One group of us branched off creatively into Hip Hop," continues Mrs. Tan, "but for the more serious of us, we have decided to go back into university to remember what it was like as idealistic undergraduates before we entered politics. I believe that by doing so, by going into the heart of youth and partying into the night, having coffee and conversation, carefree disregard for exams, and blogging in between lessons, we will be better able to solve the great affective divide that exist between the hits and misses of meritocracy."

When asked whether she felt her official duties would suffer as a result of her absence, Mrs. Tan said that nobody would notice the difference. "Singaporean politics is really all about good governance and monetary valuation, not at all about ideals and ideas, leaving politicians free to engage in social bondings. I've arranged for my duties to be handled by a team of civil servants whose combined pay equals mine, thus ensuring that efficiency is not compromised," she says.

Minstrels participating in the Varsity Attachment Pro-Intercommunicative Development Scheme (VAPID) can look forward to a semester of light time tables and no exams, allowing them to experience the best of varsity life while giving maximum time to communicate with students either through official dialogue, or, more commonly official monologue. Mrs Tan is optimistic that she will face little difficulty in her new undergraduate assignments, after all, as she states, she completed her degree in Political Science at the Americanised National University of Singapore solely by mere active political engagement on the module forums. "In a way, this practice at closed door discussion has helped me in my current duties as a minister, and, I believe, will tide me through my second dose of academia," she says.

"Through the VAPID program, politicians will no longer be an anonymous face to these students, but be actually there, breathing the same air-conditioning, and what better way to connect than that?" concludes Mrs Tan.

Elephants escape, Singaporeans unpreturbed

2006-11-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

Singaporeans are largely unpreturbed by unusual occurences

Two elephants escaped from their quarters at Golden Mile Complex yesterday, causing no distress to Singaporeans as they ambled along the streets. Nonetheless, responding to complaints of public disturbance, authorities quickly disposed of the offending pachyderms. The Kentang speaks to Lieutenant Colonel Perempuan Phua, the Officer tasked with settling the incident.

"The Singaporean authorities are very proud in that they have managed to respond quickly to complaints by the public of this disturbance. We were so prompt, in fact, that we reached the scene five minutes before the first complaint was received," said Ltc Phua.

The complaint was made by Mr. Chastity Chan, a heterosexual peanut seller with four heterosexual children, with one additional homosexual offspring locked in his flat's bomb shelter. "I strongly object to Elephants walking the streets of our nation," he stated in a press conference. "It serves no moral value to any of us and is clearly a cheap gimmick by the entertainment industry to infuse our lives with some kind of amusement." Mr. Chan himself was not present in the trajectory of the two elephants, but had received word of them via SMS.

The elephants were intercepted by local peace enforcement squadrons just before they reached Bugis Junction. "We first had to decide what number of men to deploy," says Ltc Phua. "From past experience, we need a squad of anti-riot police to manage four silent human protestors, with a riot van for each. We finally decided to deploy a total of 5000 troops from various operationally ready NSF units, in order to be fully prepared for any confrontation with the elephants."

The operation, though fruitfully manned, was not without problems. "We first had to disperse the crowd that had gathered around the elephants, taking photos with their mobile phones and digital cameras. Thankfully, the elephants were not agitated by their reckless conduct. We chose to break up the civilian barrier by releasing tear gas and beating them back with truncheons."

Eventually, security forces surrounded the elephants and commanded them to disperse. When the elephants refused to respond to conventional orders, NSFs present were ordered to cease taking photos with their mobile phones and prepare to open fire. At this, the elephants appeared perplexed, and gradually began to move back towards the Golden Mile Complex, surrounded by a ring of soldiers dressed in full battle order.

Minstrel of Mandates Mr. Quintuplet Quek praised the efforts of local security forces in settling the matter. "I am pleased to see that this potential danger to Singaporeans has been handled with tact, efficiency, and minimum civilian casualties," he stated in a press conference.

Letter published in The Straits Times considered "insensitive"

2006-10-17T01:23:00.000-07:00

A local Singaporean group, Makciks against Molestation (MAM) has taken offense at a letter published in the Forum of the Straits Times, in which an angry Singaporean likened Singaporeans to pigs.

Must Singaporeans 'behave like pigs'?

Recently, my friend from Australia commented that Singaporeans behaved like pigs. I disagreed, saying that at most it's a small minority who behaved that way.

He challenged me to a test. I accepted his challenge, determined to prove him wrong. I was bitterly disappointed.

Martin Goh Lye Thiam

Full text accessible within this article

Mdm. Fatimah Binte Salah, spokesperson for the group, said in an interview that she was sorely disappointed with the newspapers decision to print the letter in its uncensored form, as it displayed a blatant disregard for the racial sensitivities of Muslim Singaporeans. "We do not appreciate being whitewashed over as an animal which we consider unclean. While it is true that many tables are left dirty in hawker centres, perhaps Mr. Goh should have chosen a simile more sensitive to the realities of Singaporeans."

"This offensive choice of crude literary aspiration made by possible foreign talent is highly regrettable," concludes Mdm. Fatimah.

Other academics spoke to The Kentang had other misgivings about the letter. Professor Takashimaya Chua, head of NUS Arts Faculty's small Department of Common Sense, says that logically, one isolated example does not adequately prove the argument that all Singaporeans eat like pigs. In fact, he points out, the table could have been left unclean by precisely that minority, and the Australian is lucky to be able to witness first hand the great cultural diversity within our society.

"While not denying the possibility that all Singaporeans may eat messily, the evidence cited is not sufficient to prove it. I feel that the Australian in question is more likely a Foreign Tourist than a Foreign Talent to miss out this simple syllogism," says, Dr. Chua.

Mdm. Mynah Lee, a cleaner at NUS Arts Faculty's large Department of Media Control, considers that while Singaporeans do eat messily, and this perhaps reveals a lack of social grace, a certain double standard has been shown by our local media in publishing a letter that clearly involves polemics disguised as logic; exploiting the mass media to undermine Singaporeans sense of pride in their identity (a fundamental tenet of nation building); and offering a diatribe instead of constructive criticism and alternatives.

"I find that K. Bhavani's reply to mrbrown's letter can be applied to Mr. Goh's letter, which makes it peculiar why the Straits Times chose to publish it. This however, is explained easily by the fact that comments in the Straits Times forum are generally taken as superfluous, only taken seriously by isolated individuals separate from the body politic of Singapore," she claims.

In related news, the Government has revealed plans to install feeding troughs at all hawker centres, following feedback from unnamed parties. Mr. Galloping Goh, a spokesperson, claims that this should silence criticism that the Government does not take feedback seriously.

Singaporeans given official perspective on the Haze

2006-10-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

As the Haze descends on Singapore once again, local authorities have released the official perspective on the issue, which should be adopted by all Singaporeans, especially those with potential interaction with affluent potential tourists, investors, and even delegates. The Perspective of Understanding (POU) that the Singaporean populace is required by law to hold was drafted by a team of civil servants, lawyers, and Foreign Talent headed by Mr. Prada Phong, former academic and intellectual turned Government Minstrel.

In a press release attended by journalists, sycophants, and The Kentang, Mr. Phong states that Singaporeans must not describe the Haze as an environmental disaster that pollutes our city, but rather as a "layer of mist that gives our island a Uniquely Singaporean romantic atmosphere similar to the Malaysian Truly Asian mist at Genting Highlands. "Promoting such a perspective on a local phenomenon may seem trivial, but is absolutely necessary given Singapore's aspiration to be various hubs." In an allegory giving literary expression to the opacity of local authority, Mr. Phong continues to say that "Our team's policy is that if technology gives us exhaust, Singapore, as a hub, should be able to prove to the world that this exhaust is the result of important travels in exotic lands and not something smelly wafting from a elsewhere in the region.

"Furthermore, in these troubled times for Singapore's self image, we need every boost we can get. Singaporeans are notoriously susceptible to satire and mockery when things like these happen; by giving Singaporeans a proper POU, we can single out bloggers and columnists writing in other veins of thought, criticise them for deviation from the POU, facilitating the distribution of defamation suits by our highly efficient team of minstrels," continues Mr. Phong. "If we had launched this idea alongside the Merlion, Singaporeans would not be legally able to see it as an embarrassment, but share the gawky sense of wonder that tourists do when they are presented with this new mythology, this apt description of our culture: wanting the best of both worlds, and ending up with an embarrassing chapalangity."

After the canned laughter from sycophants present at the release following Mr. Phong's naughty use of Singlish died down, he continued, saying that "We believe that if Singaporeans spread the delusion that the Haze is a natural phenomenon bringing us back to nature, giving a temporary smoky scent reminiscent of rural life in the South-East Asian hinterland, achieving a synthesis of the urban and the pastoral, and lending the skyline an aura of mystery. The allusion to Genting Highlands, will, we believe, become useful when Singapore completes construction on the Integrated Resorts, consequently, we must begin Singaporean mindset's paradiagrammatic realignment post haste."

This final comment drew applause and incomprehensible wonder from the aforementioned sycophants, while representatives from other South-East Asian countries phoned back to their embassies to discuss the ways in which Singapore's statement was disrespectful to its neighbours, and express a sudden interest in revolutionary environmentalism.

Singaporeans to attend tuition classes on dealing with foreigners

2006-09-02T08:23:00.000-07:00

Not quite, apparently

As the International Monetary Fund and World Bank meeting draws even closer, Singaporeans will be made to attend tuition classes to learn the proper attitude they should adopt towards the International Delegates. The Kentang speaks to Mr. Porcupine Pang, Chief Education Officer in charge of the classes.

"Government policies advise us that the best way to deal with Singaporeans is to treat them like children. Hence we have already provided our medical professionals with lessons on when to withhold their smiles, such as when dealing with serious illness," began Mr. Pang. However, many ordinary Singaporeans are still unable to smile, prompting us to use an approach that Singaporeans from all walks of life are familiar with: the tuition class."

Irony desensitisation will be implemented in the classes.

All Singaporeans who will potentially leave their houses within the duration of the IMF and WB meetings must attend these classes, conducted at all community centres across Singapore. "Failure to attend will result in confinement at a special camp set up on Pulau Blakang Mati for the duration of the meetings," warns Mr. Pang.

At these tuition classes, all Singaporeans will be taught how to identify and differentiate an IMF delegate from normal foreign talent. "Signs to look out for are the ability to take good care of oneself, eat well and know how to have a good life," says Mr. Pang. "If any Singaporean sees a foreigner having a heart attack on the street, he or she is reminded to smile, as that may well be an IMF delegate."

Once the foreigner is correctly identified as a delegate, Singaporeans must know how to behave appropriately. "As long as he is not having any serious illness, a strong, friendly, welcoming smile is mandatory," councils Mr. Pang. "The attitude we should adopt is that of a family during Chinese New Year welcoming a rich but rambunctious uncle. We clean the house to give him a good impression, and even though we don't particularly care much for him, and despise his rowdy ways, we still want his angpows and favours. Thus, proper deference must be shown, even if he makes unreasonable protests within our home."

Coffeeshops will soon require designated "Discourse Areas"

2006-08-16T01:59:00.000-07:00

Following the successful designation of restricted smoking areas in local coffeeshops and hawker centres, efforts are now underway to implement the next phase of Singapore's urban zoning plan: designated areas for political discourse. The Kentang speaks to Mr. Nubile Koh, Government minstrel and the first person in Singapore to have a loudspeaker surgically implanted in his cranium.

"The designation of smoking areas was merely a prelude, a testing of the waters. We wanted to see if the local populace was ready for blatant intrusions into their personal space," began Mr. Koh. "The master plan is on a much larger scale: a series of urban zoning projects designed to subtly shift political discourse and criticism into well defined areas, and eventually, an offshore island."

When asked to elaborate on this project, Mr. Koh was happy to oblige us with what he was allowed to say. "Basically, we have identified common areas where people gather for political discourse. These include coffeeshops and hawker centres populated by beer drinking uncles, junior colleges populated by disgruntled students and overworked teachers, as well as universities, overrun by homosexuals and ethnic minorities taking political science courses. At present, the deviants in these locales are free to roam around, spreading their unhealthy discourse everywhere. To limit the amount of second hand discourse that the healthily apolitical and obedient Singaporean might overhear, we plan to paint big red boxes that demarcate 'Discourse Areas'. All political or cynical discourse must take place within these boxes; spot checks will be regularly conducted to identify offenders and send them for National Education.

"All boxes must be surrounded by large speakers broadcasting songs such as 'Five Stars Arising', 'Chan Mali Chan', or 'Di Tanjong Katong'. This is to prevent any passer-bys accidentally ingesting the aforementioned discourse. We would advise any members of the public not involved in political discourse to maintain a 15 metre radius from the red boxes, lest their particulars be noted down alongside those in the box.

"Eventually, we plan to have not just isolated Discourse Areas scattered around the island, but one large master area situated on an offshore island. By that stage, all discourse there will be legally treated as 'offshore publications', thus making the issuing of defamation suits much, much easier," concludes Mr. Koh.

Local authorities are currently looking into the purchase of 10 meters of red tape from Popular Bookshop in preparation for civil activist groups arriving to protest at the International Monetary Fund's meeting in September.

Singapore places NSFs on standby to smile

2006-07-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

Faced with increasing satires over their current smile campaign for the International Monetary Fund, local authority have tasked the Singapore Armed Forces to deal with the local dearth of smiles reserved for tourists. The Kentang spoke to Col. Sandersji Singh, leader of the newly formed Emergency Response Smile Team (ERST).

"Government efforts have been routinely mocked by all manner of insubordinate bloggers," inveighs Col. Singh. "I wish to emphasise that this is highly irresponsible and unpatriotic behaviour: how to showcase to world that Singapore has a racially diverse collective desire to be offering our guests a positive, unique and unforgettable 'Singapore Experience' when every effort we make is thwarted by satire and ironical sayings?

"Previously we'd just enforce the Internal Security Act and solve the problem. But alas, things like that just aren't possible after PM Lee became SM Lee and then MM Lee," sighs Col. Singh. "Therefore, we did the only thing we could, which was to request for WITS suggestions on how to solve the issue at hand. And to our surprise, we actually have a workable idea.

"It was pointed out that Singaporeans display remarkable feats of endurance when there are cars to be won. They can stand for days with their hand on a car just to win it. We decided to use a similar approach: When the international guests and selected foreign protestors touch down in Singapore, we plan to deploy NSFs in civilian clothing to smile at them for the entire duration of the event. The NSFs will be encouraged to maintain their smiles by the promise of 1 month off should they be able to persevere until the end of the event. Officers will be on hand to note down the winners of our little game, and reward them accordingly. Medics will be on hand with botox injections to provide medical aid.

"If Singaporeans can stand outdoors for a few days for a car, I think NSFs can reliably smile for a few years for that 1 month off," claims Col. Singh. "We are also looking into liasing with NUS, NTU and SMU to provide students that will be provided free modular credits should they be able to maintain their smiles for the duration of the meetings."

Credit for this idea, conceptualised and drafted by a Lance Corporal in the 33rd Battalion Singapore Combat Engineers, goes to his Platoon Commander 2LT Neuter Chan who collated and submitted the ideas from his men. In return, 2LT Neuter Chan will receive honorary 'White Horse' status, which will grant him full impunity to act as if his father was a minister of parliament or high ranking army officer.

Success of anti-smoking measures prompts policy rethink

2006-07-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Singapore's recent anti-smoking measures involving designated smoking areas at public eateries have proved so successful in dissuading local smokers from purchasing cigarettes, that the government is debating a policy reversal that could be the most controversial since local family planning policies. The Kentang interviewed Mr. Nuptial Neo, spokesperson from the Ministry of Communicated Information.

"Well. Shortly after our new policies were in place, we noticed a sharp decline in the amount that Singapore was earning in taxes from the sale of cigarettes. We expected a decline, for sure, but not one as drastic as this," began Mr. Neo.

"Singapore's Budget Statement 2005 states that an increase in cigarette tariffs from $293 per 1,000 sticks to $352 per 1,000 sticks will project a tax revenue increase of $158 million. This prompted local anti-smoking activists to propose the 'Smoking benefits your government' campaign, an idea which was rejected as potentially too successful in deterring smoking to be economically viable.

"Less revenue from cigarette tariffs could mean a tighter budget for all Singaporeans, perhaps even government ministers," claims Mr. Neo. "We might have to start re-allocating funds from education and healthcare towards the integrated resorts if this situation continues. Thus, we may consider easing some of the restrictions on smokers, and try and maintain the balancing act between health and wealth."

Singapore's population problem to be outsourced to healthly lifestyle company

2006-07-13T04:39:00.000-07:00

A prominent healthy lifestyle company has been tasked by the Singapore Government to tackle the country's declining birth rate. To this end, they have been given a grant in ministerial salary exempt taxpayer money of SGD20 Billion. The Kentang spoke to Mr. Cholera Sim, CEO of MySim, about their plans to solve one of the few problems so complex, that even the ruling authorities have made three point turns in their right directions.

"It was difficult to know where to begin tackling this question," began Mr. Sim, "but eventually the answer came to us from above: from the very words of our former Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew himself.

"In his 1983 National Day rally speech, he places strong emphasis on women's role as 'producers' of the new generation:

A woman below age 40 with no educational qualifications, on average, produces about three children although she has limited income and few resources to give her children the extra attention, help and stimulation required.

With primary education, she produces about two on average; with secondary education, 1¼; with upper secondary education, 1 1/3; with tertiary education, 1¼.

SM Lee Kuan Yew's 1983 National Day Rally Speech, [full text here]

"Our first conclusion was to require all females in Singapore with PSLE results over 250, low O level L1R5 aggregate scores, and full A1s for their A levels to enlist in mandatory child bearing national service. This would help boost the morale of our armed forces, and ensure that only the best genes get mobilised for Singapore's future generations.

"However," continued Mr. Sim, "Further research has led to us concluding that the most eligible candidates are often homosexual, thus depriving us of a good source of genes for our countries future. Suicide rates among female enlistees in our test run on Pulau Konek have also suggested that this method may not be economically viable. After all, even our current Senior Minister concurred that:

It is too late for us to reverse our policies and have our women go back to their primary role as mothers, the creators and protectors of the next generation. Our women will not stand for it. And anyway, they have already become too important a factor in the economy

ibid.

"Thus we are happy to announce a new plan that is both democratic, clean, and honours the time honoured idea of eugenics. We have created a scheme: MyFamily, where all Singaporeans, regardless of race, language, religion, but above a certain income and educational level, will register. We will then take samples of the sperm and ova, and place them in our newly patented iWomb system. For the first few years of their life, the children will be placed in special iNurture environments, giving them the best nurturing that a happy nuclear family can give. This is in line with our Senior Minister's views that:

A person’s performance depends on nature and nurture. There is increasing evidence that nature, or what is inherited, is the greater determinant of a person’s performance than nurture (or education and environment).

ibid

"This way, we can give them both nature and nurture, and the original proprietors of the sperm and ova can be tracked via the MyFamily network and billed accordingly for the cost of raising their children. Even homosexuals in Singapore can be made to matter by this scheme, through the donation of their human resources. No maternity leave would be needed, the economy can run smoothly with no loss of productivity, and we will have a happy, healthy, and naturally nurtured generation of NewSingaporean to face the challenges of the New Economy."

Mr Sim, when not engaged in the busy task of managing his company, is currently writing a new book "From Soma to Television: Administrative Lessons from Aldous Huxley".

NUS to offer Minor in Political Appreciation

2006-07-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

NUS is planning to offer a new Minor in Political Appreciation to all its undergraduates. This minor is a multidisciplinary course that will equip undergraduates with the sensitivity to appreciate political discourse within Singapore, as well as the vocabulary to articulate their response. The Kentang interviewed Professor Ostrich Ooi, a lecturer at NUS' Department of Political Horticulture, who is currently in charge of the programme.

"In the Straits Times on July 8th, Ong Sor Fen described K Bhavani's response to mrbrown's Friday column as merely 'robust'," began Prof. Ooi. "That kind of evaluation of a political statement, in my classes, would get you a D-. The time has come for Singaporeans to properly learn how to appreciate political pronouncements."

When asked how she would have evaluated Ms. Bhavani's reply, Prof. Ooi ruminated briefly before spitting and replying. "I'd say it is quite a full bodied response, with pungent overtones of sermonising. I quite enjoy the hint of threat, gives it a rather spicy kick; ordinarily I find those without the heady feel of defamation a little too insipid. And there's a brief aftertaste of insensitivity in the comments on the autistic child, makes for quite a variegated bouquet. None of that equivocal tint we see in our Prime Ministers' speeches to foreign interviewers, thus this might be a little sharp on the palate to those who prefer that type of smoother palate. All in all, a robust pronouncement, heavy handed and confident. Very satisfying."

When asked to elaborate on the modules available to students who want the minor, Prof. Ooi says "Well, of course there is my module, PLAP1101: Introduction to Political Taste. The Department of Political Horticulture is working with the Department of New Propaganda to offer PLAP2101: Backstage and Costuming for Politicians, and PLAP2201: Creative Political Writing. We are also working with the Department of Legitimate Histrionics to offer PLAP2102: Political Impression - 5 year impressions in 5 minute walkabouts. Finally we have currently established a couple of level 3000 modules - PLAP3101: Defamation Laws Worldwide, a joint project with the Department of Political Law, and PLAP3102: Effective Templates, which will instruct students in proper and effective use of stock replies and arguments."

"Singapore has often been advised to raise the level of political debate," continued Prof. Ooi. "This minor will do just that, raising our current standards to truly literary levels, confining political debate to politicians who have true constructive criticism and improvements, and not just partisan players, journalists and bloggers"

Singapore to install CCTV inside taxis

2006-07-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

Plans are underway to install CCTVs inside all Singaporean Taxis. This project, which will cost average Singaporeans 6 billion dollars and government ministers 20 cents, is described as being "essential for Singapore's continued survival in the Global Economy". The Kentang interviews Mr. Tumeric Ong, from the Ministry of Communicated Information, leader of the project.

"Basically we realised that taxi drivers in Singapore often spout political discourse similar to mrbrown's recent comments," began Mr. Ong. "This was discovered when the BMW of our Ministry's CEO broke down the other day and he had to take a taxi to work. Following the reply of our sister's homemade Ministry (The Ministry of Information, Communication and the Arts [MICA]) that such comments are tantamount to

...polemics dressed up as analysis, blaming the Government for all that he is unhappy with. He offers no alternatives or solutions. His piece is calculated to encourage cynicism and despondency, which can only make things worse, not better, for those he professes to sympathise with.

(See full text of reply here)

"We realised that we must take action against the even more acerbic, and occasionally elegant and literary, polemic espoused by Singaporean Taxi Drivers. They are entitled to their views, even if they live in Hougang or Potong Pasir. But opinions that ungrammatically begin with 'but' aside, their comments that are widely circulated to all Singaporeans and even foreign talent and tourists should meet higher standards. Instead of diatribe they should offer constructive criticism and alternatives, thus inculcating a culture of helpful praise that will allow the government to continue its progressing knowing the areas it has been most correct. These areas will be repeatedly emphasised.

"CCTVs will allow us to quickly locate errant taxi drivers and mail them letters explaining our position, detailing their responsibilities, and a soft copy of a public apology that can be easily entered into their blogs," says Mr. Ong.

"After all," continues Mr. Ong, "It is not the role of taxi drivers to champion issues or campaign for or against the Government. If taxi drivers present themselves as non-political service staff, while exploiting their access to thousands of Singaporeans to undermine the Government's standing with the electorate, then they are no longer a constructive critic, but a partisan player in politics. Their role as partisan players is emphasised by their own ability to vote during elections, a privelege shared by bloggers and their audience.

"Politics is the domain of politicians only," concludes Mr. Ong. "These measures will benefit all Singaporeans and are worth the short term cost. We have further plans to install CCTVs in coffeshops and hawker centres to alert us to beer drinking uncles who discuss politics when they should be happily drinking.

Very the Singapore, Vol. 8

2006-07-01T03:12:00.000-07:00

This is Thai political poster criticising Thaksin which makes the Singaporean White Elephant protest, in terms of explicitness, look like a primary school art project.

Of particular interest to The Kentang, however, is the Singaporean in the top right corner asking "Thailand how much?"

The Kentang would like to correct the misconception that Singaporeans only go around Thailand asking "How Much?".

They also ask "Cheaper can or not?". This is not reflected in the above poster and may give a false impression of thin-skinnedness that Singaporeans are generally not known for when making purchases in Thailand.

Singlish to be marketed globally as an educational aid

2006-06-28T01:22:00.000-07:00

Linguists from the Department of Educational Horticulture at the National University of Singapore are developing an educational package which they claim "will make the acquisition of Asian languages easy for Westerners". The Kentang interviewed the head of the department, Professor Deciduous Thong.

"Originally we were receiving copious government funding to devise ways to eradicate Singlish from Singaporeans," says Prof. Thong. "We had a team comprising neurosurgeons, psychologists, and even government ministers with N level passes in linguistics attached to our department, all united in the common goal of keeping Singaporeans in tune with the global economy, and ensuring that our natural idiom would not disadvantage us when doing business with the West.

"However, as we took a closer look at Singlish, we soon realised that instead of being merely the crippling scourge of Singaporean global communication, we could teach it foreigners as a dialect of English that would make future study of other Asian languages much easier."

When asked to explain just how Singlish can achieve this, Prof. Thong pointed out that Singlish "contains sentence structure and particles similar to certain Asian languages." He provided the following examples:

English: I have eaten.
Singlish: (I) eat already
Chinese: 我已经吃饭了
Thai: ผมกินข้าวแล้ว

English: Really?
Singlish: Really ar?/ Yes ah?/ Yes meh?
Chinese: 真的吗？
Thai: จริงหรือ

"We believe that a firm foundation in Singlish will help Westerners adjust to these aspects of Asian languages they may not have encountered in languages such as English, French, and German. Furthermore, the 'sing-song' lilt of Singlish may also help when tonal languages such as Chinese and Thai are learned.

"Furthermore, by equipping Westerners with Singlish, it will eventually be easier for them to take holidays in Singapore, order from local MacDonald's, and communicate with the staff at the integrated resorts (when it opens). Thus even more Singaporeans will matter; rather than only a small bunch of placid government scholars that matter today. In the long run, we believe this educational program will help us turn Singlish, currently perceived by the authorities as a weakness, into an economic strength. This is in line with the goal, vision or mission, of us becoming a miscellaneous hub, whatever it may mean in the current government rhetoric" concludes Prof. Thong.

Local group aims to highlight existence of heterosexuals with HIV

2006-05-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

Sunday, May 21 is International Aids Candlelight Memorial day, and a local volunteer group, Strictly Non-Denominational Hearts (SND), is taking this event as an opportunity to highlight the plight of an often overlooked group of HIV/AIDS victims: Heterosexuals. The Kentang spoke to Mr. Polyhedra Phua, the founder of SND.

"The number of heterosexuals suffering from HIV/AIDS is higher than the number of homosexuals. This is simple common sense, as heterosexuals make up the majority of our population," began Mr. Phua. "The people who suffer from AIDS are both male and female, heterosexual and homosexual; they can be single or married, and can be any age: both teenage and geriatric victims exist."

"Yet there misconceptions that AIDS is a 'gay disease' which targets only single gay males, or at most single straight males. Married Heterosexuals are often considered as somehow mysteriously immune from still exist, exacerbated by religious rhetoric that calls AIDS a 'punishment' for homosexuality, and irresponsible heights of idiocy in the mass media:

"This is actually unhealthy for heterosexuals, as it creates a false sense of complacency. They may not see safe sex as necessary, as horny people are wont to do. Our stunted sex education system, which is reluctant to promote condom use as a means of preventing unwanted pregnancy and the spread of STDs does not help: all it does it advocate abstinence, which is 100% effective 0% of the time sexual intercourse actually takes place," asserts Mr. Phua.

"We are not concerned with reversing the effect of such misinformation on the homosexual community: their identification with this disease, while negative, perhaps has encouraged them to set up organisations and charities to actually help combat the spread of HIV, for both heterosexuals and homosexuals. What SND is more concerned with is revealing the existence of the invisible majority of HIV positive heterosexuals to the wider community."

When asked why this was so important, Mr Phua claims two benefits: "Firstly, we will have a more receptive audience to messages regarding safe sex, as we can promote the idea that HIV does not discriminate based on age, sex, race, religion, and so everyone should be careful. Secondly, it is a step to removing some of the stigma associated with AIDS, and thus making it easier to allow the public to give these people the support they deserve: a HIV positive man is not necessarily homosexual, oftentimes, he could have tested positive after a fling at Geylang or Batam."

"Our society, and its health ministers, need to grow up and move on," he concludes.

Singapore to do badly in order to improve election results

2006-05-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

Following the fall in support for the PAP, the current ruling party in Singapore, a team of analysts has submitted a proposal which it touts as "a surefire way to improve the PAP's political standing". The Kentang interviews Professor Miscellaneous Tan Chin Chye, leader of the team and lecturer of Political Anthropology at the National University of Singapore.

"Previous elections have revealed a trend whereby certain Singaporeans tend to vote for opposition parties when things are going alright, but 'play safe' and vote for the PAP when times are bad, on the assumption that PAP, with its track record, will pull Singapore out of crisis. There is much merit in this view, and it is based on this that we propose the PAP run its next election campaign," says Prof. Tan. "What would be disasterous to the PAP is a 15 to 20 year span of fairly good years, where ungrateful Singaporeans, instead of thanking the party that brought them there by giving their support, instead vote for opposition parties in the hopes that Singapore can be made into an even better country by incorporation more alternative voices and active debate.

"We propose that Singapore should do badly in the next five years; not fatally, of course, but merely badly enough to allow for a dip in living standards. Thus Singaporeans can expect no HDB upgrades and perhaps even a rise in taxes. Keeping in line with current strategy, Hougang and Potong Pasir will be first in the queue for such cutbacks, but eventually all Singaporeans will have earned a well deserved lesson in voting strategy," he continues.

"The beauty in this plan is that with proper planning, Singapore need not suffer actual setbacks. Control of media and editorials, and widespread dissemination of uncontested party rhetoric will allow for a climate of undue pessimism that will produce the voting results desired. We expect that if properly executed, more than 66% of the population will play it safe and vote for the party with the best, and only, track record in Singapore, and thus Singaporean members of parliament will continue to enjoy seats in office, and respective salaries, and Singapore will continue to do well in the way it generally has" he concludes.

He declined to give further details, explaining that he had to catch a flight to Amsterdam where he will be migrating permanantly with his very good friend - almost like his spouse in an unholy, blasphemous, Western-valued way - Mr. Pineapple Ong Lai Png.

NUS to establish Department of Political Psychology

2006-05-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

Following the results of the recent elections, NUS has been prompted to pull in foreign talent to establish a Department of Political Psychology, the first of its kind in the world. The Kentang interviewed Professor Voluptuous Abrasion Ang, currently the person in charge of establishing the department. Prof. Ang is currently lecturing Political Mythology at NUS.

"Basically the department has a single purpose: to establish the ground-breaking field of Political Psychology," said Prof. Ang. "Political Psychology essentially aims to answer a uniquely Singaporean question: Is it Nature or Nurture that makes people vote for opposition parties in Singapore, and what can be done to them?

"With upgrading and other non-halal perks being explicitly reserved for PAP constituencies, who are the moral majority, we are concerned with what makes some people consistently display a particular brand of deviant behaviour: voting for opposition parties. The word 'opposition' itself, suggests a certain illegitimacy, which we might expect becomes a sort of unspoken deterrent to voting for non-PAP parties. But since this is not the case, we have to further analyse the situation.

"We hope to conduct studies on opposition voters, which we will trace via the serial numbers on their voting ballots, and interrogate them with questions like 'Were you born in an Opposition area', 'Do you have parents who lived in an Opposition GRCs', 'Would you make friends with people who vote for the PAP', and 'What are the names and I/C numbers of your friends who also voted for the Opposition'. Through these studies and surveys, we hope to achieve a better profile of opposition voters, and will be able to see if being born in an opposition constituency bears a direct influence on voting choice, and also study the effect of repeated walkovers to a person's political involvement.

"In the long run, we hope to conduct studies on how to best rehabilitate these voters into mainstream society. It is my personal belief that repeated walkovers dull political interest: perhaps a system of electoral redrawing and en masse HDB sales can ensure that in their lifetime, everybody has a healthy number of non-participation in Singaporean elections.

"After all," Prof. Ang concludes, "Singapore is not ready for such volatile politics. The majority of people still vote for the PAP, and we have to consider their feelings most of all. We can't just have other people flaunting their opposition votes in the street; maybe they can have their political rallies and parades after they emigrate to Australia or Thailand, but not here. I think we have to strike a certain balance, to ensure that the Singaporeans who matter, matter more."

70% of Survey Participants Unaware Opposition Exists

2006-05-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

In a recent study conducted by the Department of Statistics at NUS (formerly known as the Department of Mathematics for Arts Students), 70% of residents in Ang Mo Kio are unaware that an Opposition actually existed in Singapore. The Kentang interviewed some participants of the survey.

Mdm. Cempedak Binte Telor, a mother of two, when asked if she heard of the Gomez Saga, says that "Sagas happen long ago what. I thought it was something that happened during the communist time. Anyway, nothing really seemed to be happening mah. I thought the Straits Times was just doing some anti-terrorism social studies article, like in my daughters' textbooks."

Mr. Chia Jia Tee, a prostitute and leader of a local charity organisation, expressed surprise, claiming he "didn't know it was happening in Singapore."

"I didn't know this type of smear tactic could happen here, with our politics of integrity, insistence on scrupulosity, and so on," he continued. "I just figured it was happening in some other Asian country."

Mr. Pomelo Phua, a teacher, says that he thought the SDP was a charity organisation being sued for defamatory behaviour against the Singaporean people.

"I didn't even know an opposition existed in Singapore," he claims.

The Kentang asked Professor Porcelain Phong, Lecturer of Political Mythology at NUS to comment on the surprising survey results.

"Well, it isn't as surprising as all that, when you consider our current media coverage of local political events," said Prof. Phong. "PAP makes a statement, and it gets splashed on the front page; anyone else says anything worthwhile and more often than not it'll be tucked discreetly, and in third person. Unless it's the SDP making a loudspeakered remark: then all that will be reported is how they got sued."

"Thus I don't think you can blame 70% of Ang Mo Kio not realising that they have a choice," he concludes.

The Kentang on Sunday

2006-04-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

Tay Yek Keak, in the Singapore Straits Times on Sunday says:

Indeed.

Singaporeans demand that Li Ao be sued

2006-04-14T00:28:00.000-07:00

Singaporeans angry at Li Ao's comments that Singaporeans are stupid, and of inferior culturally creative stock have banded together to petition the government to sue him. The group, calling itself Singaporeans Against Remarks by Stupid Taiwanese EntertaineRS(SARSTERS) demands that the government flex its legal muscle to penalise intellectuals that say negative things about Singapore. The Kentang spoke to Mr. Yvonne Yeo, the appointed spokesperson for SARSTERS.

"Singapore is well known for suing over defamatory remarks. Teachers can sue student bloggers, Opposition politicians can be sued for just about anything, people can be barred from speaking, high level government officials can sue people who say possibly justifiable things about them, even newspapers by foreigners can be sued, so why can't we sue an intellectual who has pretty much defamed the entire country?" asks Mr. Yeo.

"As Singaporeans concerned about our face and determined to keep alive the fine Singaporean tradition of suing anyone who talks, we would like to petition the Singaporean government to exercise its legal and financial might to heftily sue the old cheenapek. Normal Singaporeans cannot do much, but the government, with its wealth and power, can even threaten Malaysia," he continued.

"To show our sincerity, we are planning to give up our progress packages to assist the lawsuit, and will continue to vote for the current government despite this," concluded Mr. Yeo.

While many Singaporeans welcome the effort, some remain sceptical. Professor Formica Fong, lecturer in political eugenics at the National University of Singapore, reminds SARSTERS that "one has to look carefully at who is the suer and the sued. In previous cases the former has generally had a certain amount of power over the latter, allowing for extravagant charges that the latter cannot hope to afford."

"Even when this is not the case, such as Singapore suing the International Herald Tribune, we find that the sued is often foreigners who are easy targets as they are put forth as belonging to a decadent west that cannot understand our Asian values. Here is a person spouting not only Asian values, whatever those are, but also praised Lee Kuan Yew. I would advise SARSTERS not to get their hopes up," concluded Prof. Fong.

Singaporeans reassured that Blogging will not affect politics

2006-04-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

As elections draw near, Singaporeans are reminded that:

Private or individual bloggers can discuss politics. However, if they persistently propagate, promote or circulate political issues relating to Singapore, they are required to register with the MDA. During the election period, these registered persons will not be permitted to provide material online that constitutes election advertising.

- MITA website ('MITA News') accessed 4 April 2006.
- Quoted by Yawning Bread

However, Prof. Gerontology Goh, a lecturer of traditional Chinese medicine at NUS, points out that "The debate between Mr. David Cai of Singapore and Ms. Irene Ng of the PAP reminds us of one very important fact: That if you want change in politics and the government, you have to be a politician yourself. This valuable statement is located at the end of Ms. Ng's reply.

"By this argument," continues Prof. Goh, "all statements made by non-politicians cannot be considered political discussion. In some societies, civil society exists as a bridge between the public, who chooses the government, and the government who administers them, but in Singapore, the distinction is clear: politician, or unqualified to speak.

"Furthermore, if we further accept the verificationist view that:

[for a statement] to be meaningful at all, then it has got to make some kind of difference to thought and to action.

Lycan, Philosophy of Language: A Contemporary Introduction

then it becomes easy to see that the statements are totally spurious and fit only for the entertainment of angry students in political science courses at NUS, and their more vociferous counterparts who drink beer and eat peanuts at kopitiams.

"Thus I advise bloggers to unreservedly blog about political issues as they always have, resting assured that the statements are meaningless and harmless because you are bloggers, not politicians, and that the statements have no ultimate meaning," he concludes. "Worse come to worse, you hit an OB marker or two which may earn you a free pass to a foreign country."

Professor Goh is currently residing in Perth.

Ethical Solution for Singaporean Teachers in Development

2006-03-26T09:16:00.000-08:00

Following concerns about students being negatively influenced by the contents of their teacher's blogs, just as teachers find themselves implicated by student's blogs, the Association For Moral Assiduousness (AFMA) has drafted plans for a solution that it believes will satisfy teachers, parents, and students. The Kentang interviewed Mdm. Aquinas Anathema Ang, Chairman for the AFMA.

"Basically we have a situation where teachers and students may be offended by each others blogs. Certain teachers over-react to their student's comments; certain students enjoy implicating their teachers with their personal lives in a less than professional manner, if one may take the business of education as one where everyone requires a certain 'professionalism': either as a student, or as a teacher. Administrative policies, parents, and Straits Times journalism often further confuses the issues at hand, if any," claims Mdm. Ang.

"To solve this tricky situation, the AFMA has drawn up plans for the systematic segregation of teachers from the rest of Singaporean society, perhaps housing them on one of our many offshore islands. Instead of the salaries they now receive, they will instead receive free housing, an intranet where they can blog freely in accordance to the latest ISA guidelines, as well as enjoy permitted entertainment befitting the moulders of our nation. Transportation to and from the mainland will be provided at appropriate times. Eventually, we hope to make it illegal for teachers to interact within Singapore society outside of their professional role as educators."

AFMA plans to submit this proposal to the government, and expects a favourable reply. "No longer will there be inane Sunday Times articles about the proper reaction to blogs by teachers and students. We will have solved the problem in a quintessentially Singaporean way: by pushing it aside indefinitly, and maintaining its non-existence as an issue," says Mdm. Ang.

Parents interviewed by The Kentang have largely welcomed this move. Mrs. Quality Quek, a mother of two, is relieved that "finally somebody acknowledges that students can say anything they want about teachers, them being young, creative, and teenagerhood being what it is, whereas teachers should know better, and realise that their profession requires them to eschew such luxuries as a private life."

Mr. Chlamydia Chua, who has a son claiming to study at a local institution, is believes that through such measures, "his children will respect education the sacred institution of education even more when they can no longer realise that teachers are normal human beings, with equal rights to self expression, but a separate and clandestine group of individuals."

"In fact," he continues, "I never believed it was right for teachers to behave like normal human beings. Aren't they paid to mould the future of our nation? What are they doing gallivanting around, going to public places with friends, thinking independent thoughts, and expressing themselves to the outside world? They should be thankful that the AFMA has taken it into their own hands to help them curtail such endeavours that would be detrimental to their carrying out of their social duty."

Very The Singapore, Vol. 7

2006-01-06T14:09:00.000-08:00

If this website makes you hungry, you are quite likely a Singaporean, or a suitable candidate to be Foreign Talent (often confused with regular Foreigners).

LTC(NS) Ngai Teo See Phyllis says, "When I first saw the advertisements along the Orchard Road Underpass, I thought it was for a new Crystal Jade outlet. Looking at it again, I was inexplicably reminded of the very tasty Bak Kut Teh along Kelantan Lane."

The Kentang would like to apologise for the lack of recent posts, and the lack of photographs for this post.

Very The Singapore, Vol. 6

2006-01-06T14:05:00.000-08:00

Shahbucks. As Singaporean as the Merlions at Boat Quay.

New university to offer alternate grading methods

2005-11-17T22:07:00.000-08:00

Students at the new Singapore University (SA) will be offered a radical new method to obtain high grades during their undergraduate career. Besides standard projects, examinations, and other methods of continual assessment such as attendance and fashion sense, students in all disciplines will have the option to do a project challenging the state on topics such as censorship, politics, and social control. The Kentang interviewed Prof. Audio Chan, Professor of Professional Proficiency at SA's Department of Political Proficiency and Head of Undergraduate Matters.

"What we hope to discover and encourage is the political element within each of our students," says Prof. Chan. "With the knowledge we empower them with, some students naturally will adopt different perspectives of looking at our nation state. The very best critiques of our nation will automatically grant an A for the module, as long as the student signs a legal document surrendering all hard and soft copies of the project as well as intellectual rights of the work to our university. Students who do not surrender their projects will be counselled.

"However," stressed Prof. Chan, "we will not penalise students if they do not pursue their grades in this manner; the majority of apolitical students will continue to be herded according to their ability to cite extensively.

"This method has been tested at other universities, where students who turn in highly political projects have been told to change their project, and be granted an automatic A in return. We take this one step further by institutionalising the process, allowing only the least critical to be circulated, adding to the stale and saturated debate, while the best arguments become part of the hermetic field of Singaporean Political Science and Media Studies," concluded Prof. Chan.

SA is currently Singapore's largest purchaser of industrial paper shredders, and the new campus will include a study bunker designed by the same architects involved in many of the residences on Sentosa.

Singapore considers censoring canonical text

2005-11-07T17:12:00.000-08:00

Singaporean censors are considering placing an M18 rating on Shakespeare's play King Lear. This will effectively prevent King Lear from being studied in local junior colleges as was previously common depending on the syllabus of the Cambridge GCE "A" Level examinations, as the short amount of time between many student's birthdays and the examinations mean insufficient time to memorise quotes for regurgitation. The Kentang spoke to Mr. Febreeze Gan, a spokesperson for the committee.

"What we found most offensive, in particular, was this passage from Act III. Scene II," says Mr. Gan. The text is quoted below:

Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout
Till you have drench’d our steeples, drown’d the cocks!
You sulphurous and thought-executing fires,
Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts,
Singe my white head! And thou, all-shaking thunder,
Strike flat the thick rotundity o’ the world!
Crack nature’s moulds, all germens spill at once
That make ingrateful man!

"Clearly, what we have in the first line of this act is a sexual reference contained in the word 'Blow'. What escaped the notice of previous censors, however, was the following phrase 'crack your cheeks' which clearly transposes this line to the realm of the Homosexual. The following references to cocks and drowning steeples reinforces this subliminal message. As an Asian country with Asian values, we cannot let such blatant Westernism continue to corrupt our youth, even if it is Shakespeare. Anyway, there is none among us that can deny that a single shelf of our Singaporean Literature is worth more than the entire Western Canon put together.

"Furthermore, with our birth rate at its current low, can we afford to encourage our youth to spill their germens rather than properly value-add them?" continued Mr. Gan. "This type of sedition might be acceptable in Western Countries but here, where people are our only resource, we cannot allow it, lest we disturb the status quo."

When asked if the committee's negative reaction was due to the violence within the play, notably the gouging out of a character's eyes onstage, Mr Gan laughed it off as "nothing compared to Kill Bill, not even Kill Bill 2." He concludes that their decision is "consistent with former censorship decisions, even for local works. Shakespeare might be foreign talent, but he's dead, and more of an arts stream person, not quite the entrepreneurial type our country needs."

Very the Singapore, Vol. 5

2005-11-03T07:07:00.000-08:00

The Kentang today emulates The Straits Times' journalistic methods, a potent combination of alcohol induced stupor; rabid cloisteredness; and Chinese monkeys (that have undergone a culinary lobotomy) to bring you, straight from the rubbish bin of Mr. Cashmere Phua, writer of the hitheto unillustrated "Bandung Boy", his other ideas for Heroes of the Singapore Justice League! Its so zesty, even Professors at the National University of Singapore are asking for citations!

Professor N
The former chief of Singapore's ISD, professor N's superior mental abilities enable him to use the ultimate Singapore Technologies development, a machine that allows a telepathic surveillance link with every Person in Singapore, be it Singaporean or Foreign talent.

The Judge
Special power allows him to potentially decapitate anybody with the slightest whiff of drugs on him. For evildoers, fluid invisible boundaries of the semantic meaning of "drug" can be extended to include panadol, boosting his attack power.

The Idol
Able to call hordes of SMS wielding fans to his aid, by the mere power of his voice. At the very least, their combined votes swarm his opponents network.

The ORDer
Able to turn invisible, allowing him to escape his enemy's arrows and other extra projectiles. In a pinch, his highly developed skills in the ancient martial art of Taiji deflect away all danger.

Occifer
Magnificent eye power allows for devastating optic blasts.

The Hiaoster
When she hears the word SALE, she turns gaudy, enraged, and stronger than Jojo Sinclair. Her formidable bellow "WHY DUN HAVE MY SIZE" is enough to strike fear into the most formidable foes.

The Mugger
Able to retain vast quantities of information and tell you all you want to know as long as you promise him an A for it. Otherwise useless.

Aguaman
His fluid sexuality and impeccable sense of style make Aguaman the true queen of the village of Changi. Arising from the mysterious depths (kept mysteriously deep to maintain Singapore's status quo) Aguaman is never quite accepted as a proper member of the League, though his presence is always welcome if they need to blame somebody for a botched mission.

Maria
A relative of the original Maritess, she cooks, cleans, irons, and keeps their secret hideout sparkling clean. All for SGD$500 a month. Recently gained ability to take extra off days.

GymBod
Insanely highly paid executive, who drives a droolsome sports car, possesses a body that's the result of 5 gym memberships and lives in his very own landed property with personal Maria Josephine Carloz (friend of aforementioned Maria). Lack of girlfriend at age 30 and mysterious boyish sidekick coupled with sleek black caped costume lead to speculations about sexuality by villains, distressed mother, and the neighbourhood Ah Sohs alike.

Online terrorist attack on Singapore foiled

2005-10-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

Local authorities have prevented a terrorist attack that would have "shut down the functionality of Changi Airport, cause widespread distress and civil war, create panic and disorder, lower the Singaporean birth rate, cause AIDS, and convert innocent children into seditious bloggers," according to Mr. Phallacious Phua, a Ministry of Defence spokesperson.

Unlike previous terrorist attacks however, the recently apprehended attack took place exclusively online. The attack would have involved spreading news of the new Hello Kitty wedding package to unsuspecting Singaporeans via a combined effort of E-mail, IRC, MSN, and blogs.

"The terrorists created a translation program which would translate the original website into Singlish. This would be secretly downloaded when users clicked on the link to the wedding package. The havoc would be unimaginable. You'd have masses of teenage girls grabbing their boyfriends and rushing for tickets to Japan. They'd steal money from their parents or bosses and form long and disorderly queues at Changi airport. We would suffer from a lack of manpower due to all the NS men who take emergency leave to accompany their girlfriends and spouses. Fights would break out. Long waiting hours would lead to pre-marital sex in the toilets. The glass doors of Changi Airport would be shattered! The Ta-Bao-ed fast food would turn the airport into a big Macdonalds! It'd be like the aftermath of a Hurricane! Singapore's offline image would be ruined" cried Mr. Phua.

"Thank goodness we stopped their plan in time and brought them to justice," concluded Mr. Phua. To avoid civil unrest, the ISD has been called in to ensure justice is air-conditioned and silent.

In totally unrelated news Singapore has plans to launch a Hello Kitty wedding package of its own, at Hotel 81s, one of Singapore's iconic landmarks. "We hope that this will encourage more youngsters to get marriage and boost our birth rate," says Mrs. Pompadom Phua. "We're already looking into online efforts to promote our package, via email, IRC and blogs." Hotel 81, with its reputation of thematically styled rooms, was chosen by the Social Development Unit to be "a key partner in promoting marriage and procreation to ensure we have enough citizens for the three forms of service that all Singaporeans undergo - National, towards tourists, and within the Integrated Resorts."

Singapore to create Uniquely Singaporean Superhero

2005-10-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

To complement the eye catching "Uniquely Singaporean" Campaign, the search is on for an artist willing to draw a comic with a Uniquely Singaporean Storyline. The Kentang spoke to Mr. Cashmere Phua, the writer arrowed for this project.

"We were told to create a Superhero that could exist only in Singapore and nowhere else. We toyed with the idea of an Ah Lian that could SMS faster than the speed of light and an uncle who could leap road barriers with a single bound to buy 4D but none of these ideas seemed totally original," said Mr. Phua.

"One day at a kopitiam, I saw these people drinking Bandung that could only be described as a radioactive shade of fuchsia. It was then that inspiration came. That night, I went back and wrote the storyline for 'Bandung Boy: Defender of the Singaporean Way'.

"After drinking a vividly pink cup of radioactive bandung, infused with the sanctified waters of the Merlion, Bandung Boy transforms from his usual, meek, PSLE 260 O level 8 point JC science student self into a outspoken, extroverted, helpful and gender neutral superhero. I felt that this image would complement the pink outfit he would wear; the colour was a requirement given to me by the Uniquely Singapore committee to match their campaign," said Mr. Phua.

Together with his three loyal sidekicks Zi Ming, Ravi and Fatimah, Bandung Boy (who, as a pink superhero is racially "other") sits in a kopitiam commenting on current affairs in Singapore in a way that does not change the status quo nor make any real political change. But when the social stability of Singapore is threatened, whether by An Evil Horde of Cardboard White Elephants, Four Dangerous Protesters armed with seditious T-shirts, or Evil Bloggers armed with the worse-than-porn, Bandung Boy bursts into real political action! All it takes is an "Uncle, Bandung Satu!", A sip, and Bandung Boy, assisted by his three racially harmonious friends, checks that the protesters are not foreign talent before halting them and explaining the seditious error of their ways in a suave, metrosexual manner that would make a grassroots leader weep!

Bandung Boy is still in search of a suitable illustrator. The release date of the first issue is uncertain, as the finished comic would still have to pass through the Singapore Censorship Board. "I am certain that we have something on the scale of the Philippine's Darna and not another VR man," says Mr. Phua.

Singaporeans attempt to migrate to Singapore

2005-10-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

Singaporeans migrating to other countries is not a new phenomenon: it was once fashionable in Government Speeches and Newspaper articles and Columns to generalise Singaporeans into "Quitters" and "Stayers". However, it has been revealed that nowadays many Singaporeans consider migrating to Singapore rather than previous popular destinations such as Australia, America, and Batam. Professor Chutney Chua, Lecturer of Sociology at the national University of Singapore comments.

"What we have here is a situation unique to Singapore," says Prof. Chua. "It shows that Singaporeans do not mind living in their country - as long as they are considered foreign migrants rather than part of the local populace."

When asked what could have caused such a phenomenon, Prof. Chua says that it is a complex and multi-faceted issue, but suggests several main factors that revolve around foreigners automatically achieving "talented" status (rather than having to sit for GEP selection or Streaming Exams) which automatically grants them a priviledged position with regards to jobs, service, the right to protest, sex, and blonde hair.

While documented accounts of such endeavours are rare, Prof. Chua says that the efforts are most probably futile, as authentic Singaporeans are readily identified by certain traits which has been thought to result from either genetics, or the water supply at KK hospital.

"However, since I only achieved my post as lecturer after I re-migrated to Singapore from China, having migrated there from Singapore, I can see where they're coming from," Prof. Chua concludes

Singaporean Homosexuals consider forming religion

2005-10-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

Move may help curb homophobia in Singapore

Following recent events in Singapore, namely the arrest of bloggers over racist remarks as well as the Prime Minister's peculiar reasoning that the Singapore Government is not Homophobic, a group of Singaporeans of all sexualities, genders, races, religions, and PSLE aggregates has come together to discuss forming a new religion in Singapore, tentatively named "The Fabulously Inclusive Order".

Mr Fuchsia Fang, one of the members of the group who is homosexual and a staunch Singaporean, says that, "As an organisation we have only one aim, which is to combat homophobia in Singapore. While there is seldom overt physical violence towards homosexuals, discrimination is still experienced through derisive comments and attitudes, and by certain religious groups who sometimes promote "ill-will and hostility" by condemning homosexuals on non-rational bases. As yet, homosexuals have no real protection against such discrimination, as well as no permission to defend or explain ourselves in public debate. Thus, the status quo is likely to be maintained.

"However, the Government has shown that it is willing to step in and protect its citizens from slurs against one's race and religion. Since we can't be a race per se, the closest thing we can be is some sort of religion, or more specifically, a way of life, as many religions like to style themselves as. By claiming ourselves as a religion, we will not, however, offer any metaphysical doctrines or enforce worship, rather, we plan to fashion a way of life where our members will live their life at ease with themselves and their sexuality. We also plan to hold weekly parties and clubbing nights at our headquarters, similar to City Harvest but with more dancing and lower cover charges.

"In this way we hope to discourage homophobia in Singapore which can take the form of attitudes, as well as actual comments either spoken or in cyberspace. As a religion, it will be easier for us to promote safe sex, as we can incorporate it into our tenets, rather than having to play a double game where we have to promote safe sex without actually acknowledging that sex exists, and generally miss the point. And hope to exist as a visible body to Singaporeans, not only as a stereotype, but as actual people who just have different beliefs and practices. After all, even the PM says we're "people like you and me", and we should be respected as such, not merely judged based on sexual orientation. To do so would be like prejudging a Malay or Christian person due to his religion."

The Kentang asked the group for their response to criticism that such a move would promote Homosexuality among Singaporeans, a common fear among decision makers in Singapore. Ms. Charlotte Blanch, another member of the group, dismissed the claim saying that the Order "does not have any evangelical aim. We will not give pamphlets out on the street, our members will be expressly forbidden to force or coerce any minors or people under their care to join our Order, and we will not denounce other religions in an aim to try and get them to join. We will merely exist, and people will come to us from their closets as they wish."

Other criticism was aimed at the Order's "flaunting" of a gay lifestyle. Ms. Blanch replied that "it's true that we are currently discriminated against practicing our lifestyle as we wish: our permits for parties are denied, and we are often discriminated because of the way we dress ourselves. However, if we become a religion, then it becomes a totally different matter, as other religions such as Taoism and Hinduism can hold their ceremonies in public, 'flaunting' their religious lifestyle, in a way."

Yet others argue that the Order is not a religion because certain people regard Homosexuality as a Sin. Mr. Fuchsia Fang counters this argument by claiming that "there are certain religions that by default reserve a place in heaven for their own, implying that people of other religions are sinners. So we'd just be another one of those 'sinful' other religions. No problem there."

The Headquarters of The Fabulously Inclusive Order is planned to be sited at Tanjong Pagar, and will contain a dance floor, a stage for performances, and a gym. Other facilities are also being considered. Funding for the construction is largely through member's own donations, as well as a sizable portion from the Singapore Association of Sugar Parents.

Comments prompt rethinking of Sex Education

2005-09-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

Following the comments submitted to the Forum in the Life section of the Straits Times, (September 16), a radical group of TaiTais, The Moral Maintaining Motherhood of Moral Mothers (MMMoMM), have submitted a petition to the Ministry of Education suggesting that students who are unable to listen to the word "sex" without giggling be barred from learning about sex, contraception, and anything involving human reproduction. They propose that these changes be applied to all academic subjects, from biology to literature. The Kentang interviewed the Chairperson of the group, Ms. Reginaputri Shanti.

"What this comment provides is an insightful excuse to further tighten our arbitrary censorship laws," says Ms. Shanti. "It shows that teenagers are unable to cope with more serious or adult issues such as sex or showing respect to the worthy, and thus instead of educating them, we should remove all exposure of it from them until they reach an age where they can appreciate it better."

When asked what she thought of the opinion that educating teenagers about contraception is the best way to prevent unwanted pregnancies and curb the spread of STDs, Ms. Shanti scoffed and replied that "Even students in NUS can't listen to a lecture that has the word sex without giggling uncontrollably. A whole lecture theatre broke out in laughter and horrified gasps when half a breast was shown on a documentary. I think we can safely say that teenagers, faced with the naked body of the opposite sex, will be laughing too much to get anywhere. And if they can, their parents should be ashamed for having failed to bring them up morally."

It came as no surprise that Ms. Shanti agrees wholeheartedly with the sentiments expressed in the above comment. "We cannot waste time teaching a bunch of kids what must be appreciated or respected. It is much more efficient to just stop all this nonsense altogether, thus ensuring that our art receives the respect it is due. That the show had absolutely no nudity nor explicit sexual content, apart from some heathen jezebels kissing, shows that the film censorship board realised that the intonation of deaf people is too dangerous a subject for young minds to see, and were already taking a large risk by giving it an M18 rating. We should never question their erudite decisions, lest we be forced to acknowledge their superiority later, such as in the above statement."

"We hope the Ministry of Education and the Censorship Board respond favourably," she concluded.

Catherine Lim to be translated into Singlish

2005-09-16T02:51:00.000-07:00

A team of under-graduates, post-graduates, and consultants from TACUA (Toilet Aunties and Cleaning Uncles Association) is currently undertaking what promises to be a milestone in Singaporean Literature, the translation of the entire corpus of Catherine Lim's work (even those banned in Singapore) into Singlish. The Kentang interviewed A/Prof. Edwin Thamalingam, one of the senior lecturers working on the project as well as part time kachang puteh seller at Golden Mile Cinema.

When asked what inspired this project, Prof. Thamalingam said that "Prior to this effort, most Singlish translations were made as jokes, attempting to translate Shakespeare or other hallowed passages in the English Literary Canon into our local tongue. For instance:

Be leh, or dun be: that one got problem:
Whether kena whack and arrow
By salah fortune better,
Or go and fight the watever shit
and ask them go fuck off? Die lah; Sleep lah;
Gone already; Sleep like that can finish
all the heart pain pain and thousand things
we no choice suffer; like that
actually ok. Die lor; Sleep lor;
Sleep liao; maybe dream; (wah)Kao, then like that:

If die machiam sleep
Then dream what har?

Dunno mah; thats why,
Got people die die don't die:

What for kena whack la scold la
Boss buay song la, see no up la,
Girlfriend throw la, gahmen bochup
And then guailan, all those lanjiao mikia
That people tiam tiam have to take,
Might as well relax one corner
And die hor? What for like those cocks
Work like siao and sweat like mad.

Actually is ham chee after die
Then dunno where you go;
No gostan liao, buay tahan
So like that lor, same old shit
Than anyhow go elsewhere.

Like that can say is think too much
Think until want liao cannot do
Then like that all those power things
Salah already; say then never do.

"CharSiewKia's Soliloquy"

While this is useful as a start, we felt that it is time to move on. Shakespeare and other greats are difficult to translate into any language, let alone Singlish. We decided to be less ambitious and fall back onto something closer to our Singaporean experience, that would lend itself more readily to translation. Hence the choice of Catherine Lim, one of Singapore's foremost authors, who's works are studied by students in secondary schools all over our nation."

"Translation into Singlish faces certain unusual difficulties. Firstly different races may not understand all the dialect included, especially Hokkien ones. Thus as far as possible we have tried to limit ourselves to an English and Singlish vocabulary that would be widely understood in Singapore, avoiding lengthy passages in any particular language or dialect, even in direct speech, when in all reality a local language is more likely to have been spoken than English or even Singlish" said Prof. Thamalingam. "For example, when translating the following passage:

’Ah, you’re not wearing the Jade Pendant! That’s a disappointment to me, for I had hoped to see it. I’ve heard so much about it.’

Catherine Lim, "The Jade Pendant"

the initial suggestion of

'Aiyah, lu bo cheng lu eh pendant ah? Sad lor, kwa kwa ma buay sai'

was felt to be too inaccessible to readers from other races. Eventually we settled on

"Aiyah, never wear ah. Sad lor, actually wanted to see."

The Kentang is proud to be given the right to reveal one of the earliest completed drafts that the team has produced, a Singlish Translation of "The Jade Pendant", by Catherine Lim. Prof. Thamalingam reminds us that "in no way is this an authoritative manuscript. In fact, even if our work is eventually not banned in Singapore and published, what we publish cannot and must not be seen as the one and only Singlish translation. To limit such a vibrant and colourful feature of our local culture is the least of our aims. Our aim is to ensure that Singlish is never forgotten in discussions of Singaporean Culture, and to show that Singlish isn't mere low class talk, or the stilted conversation in Mediacorp production that makes your flesh crawl. Singlish, is can make it one."

-
Original text of "The Jade Pendant".
-

The Jade Pendant, Catherine Lim
Trans. A/Prof Edwin Thamalingam, Prof. Gina Xiang Jiao, et. al

So got this pendant lah, people say until like very whatever lor, say until like worth dunno how many million, but actually if see liao is really quite special la. Big until give the gin nah hold also dunno if can hold. It got the Jade make until very nice, somemore use the diamonds and make the flower on top. Actually supposed to wear like necklace like that, but then so tua, then scared lose or people anyhow steal, so put inside the bank dun touch lor. That Mrs. Khoo only wear two times - one time is dunno what sultan give banquet then she ask mata to bring there, make those Datin la see until also very gian; later her nephew get married she also wear again. After that, she just leave in bank lor, cause she say those other thing she go for not tua pai enough, wear until so special for what? But people see her never wear the thing also will say what "Aiyah, never wear ah. Sad lor, actually wanted to see."

See people so gian she also happy la so talk cock abit lor, Say what pass from her Ah ma to her Ma then pass to her, then say what last time is belong to some Vietnam concubine la, say last time dunno what Datin see already very gian then send her kaki to come and lim teh actually want to buy. Tell them no still come, kang kor but too bad la, still cannot.

The gossip that time is see Mrs Khoo die liao then give the jade to who - her Lian Kim or the daughter in law. But actually, she herself know la, sure give to daughter one, cause her favourite child ma. Some more she say dun wait until die lah, married can give already.

Holidays liao, then the Lian kim come back with fiance want her mother take the jade let her next time husband see. He that time in London is study arts one, then come here wear until so lup sup, then somemore is angmor, then when he see the jade like wahlao so suakoo like that, the mother is lagi gam phua du lan. Inside she think then later she tell her Mr Khoo "terrible lor. nowadays the children ah, so many can marry want to marry some bo lui ang mor." But too bad lah, she think, nowadays the children is dun listen to their parents one, so she tiam tiam never say anything. Like that then plus just now something lagi jialat happen: she let her house the Ah Soh see the jade while she getting it ready cause, actually she is family one la, but husband die and now sell kueh at dunno what kopitiam, so salah confirm this sort of thing never see before mah, so let her special special see then happy abit lor. Wah the Ah Soh lagi high lor, stop her thing come over like machiam going to talk to Lee Kuan Yew like that, then box also haven't open like orgase already. Then see already is gam puah orgase lor, say the jade until dunno like what still never mind, somemore say until like let her live at the back eat leftover be their karanguni is damn special like that.

Wahlao, the Mrs. Khoo hear already is also gam phua high.

But then hor, the Ah Soh the daughter who abit retard la, come in find her mother then see the jade so chio go and take and wear and run around, wahlao the Ah Soh see the Mrs Khoo face like the bao gong so black is damn fucking scared, scared until take back the jewel that time really scold and whack the kia until dunno like what, whack the retard until the Mrs Khoo happy liao action action say what "Ok enough la, you want to kill people issit?"

Then the Ah Soh is lagi drama lor, say what "This sort of Kia bo tua bo suay die also better lor!"

This thing like so low class like that, so the Mrs Khoo never go and tell people, then forget liao. Her own Kia at home then she really treat them machiam king like that, get the Marias cook this cook that; the Ah Soh cause that time so salah then like everything also want to help. When she cannot find majong kaki, then the Mrs Khoo go spend money entertain them also, then the Mr Khoo also sometimes no beh pio or what also bring them show off abit to his friends, say what year end sure married liao. Say already not enough still want to say "Actually married already I think my sayang going to xim tia, cause marry liao the jewel not hers already must give to Ah Kim. Zhar bor si ahneh kuan eh. But then hor, that thing actually -" then hao lian whisper whisper go and say a price; see them scared only then happy.

But dun say I say one hor, but actually they all is scared no money then want to sell that jade lor. Really lor! Guarantee plus chop! you see ah, they all gamble la, play la, dunno do what la, then somemore all the kids go overseas uni then always want money, then actually all their ah ma ah gong money is really no more already.

Most important that time is the Lian Kim wedding lor. Cannot lose to last time her brother or that time the nephew one, or else is damn throw face one. That Mrs Khoo think think need what Paris dress la, new house in London la, the hotel dinner la (at least 500 people lor, then Imperial hotel some more), Kao, really fucking jialat already like that. Tell her old man har, that one just say what "No la, where got such thing one? Think too much la you. You see you need you buy lor!", whatever shit. Then some more she see her Ah Kim so happy, very bo xim to tell her also.

Everyday think think think, one time she even think until want to ask her house the Ah Soh for money lor, hear other people say what she 40 years sell kueh is actually make alot one, then some more is si beh ngiao, what the hoong kee is take those other people tarik already left over then own self collect and roll one, even her gong kia's clothes is take those other people throw away one. But she think Wahkao, is gam phua lose face lor like that! Then everyday she "Orr Orr ok ok" here "Ah Ah ei sai ei sai" there maybe all act one lor, say until ownself like dunno what but maybe is turn around and laugh me one lor! Like that hor, maybe marry liao then she and her gong kia can go fuck off la, rather than everyday see also buay song.

She har, think think until white hair also grow liao, but still bo lui. House mortgaged liao, Shares salah; then die la. Think really bo pian must sell the pendant.

Kao she think until like that ah, really is head pain heart pain lor. Then somemore she so ai bin one, so must some more think some excuse to say why nobodywearing the stupid jade. Still can la, better than dinner salah - that is really bo oei kong liao.

So like that lor, bo pian, tell her husband and her Ah Kim, that really bo pian have to sell the thing liao. Her old man still ok la, only say what make sure dun lugi. But her that Bo Ka Si eh Kia, wah lao, lucky is like her mother like that ai bin or else got this sort of thing where can anyhow sell? At least still got dinner to eat la, Singaporean first thing see red envelope is want to eat liao, then the jade say wear with the gown is sibeh obiang, then ok lor.

Then after that they really extreme until dunno what to say la; quiet quiet find those really wu lui lang to buy the thing. Then really so heng, got some angmor zharbor dunno from where one, then say she also quiet quiet can buy lor; really say until want to tompang her dunno who to their house and quiet quiet take, machiam james bond like that. But good also la, cause she also willing to pay cash, (better cash lah, cause angmor lang mah, after dunno what then how). So like that lor, her that jade finally no more in the bank liao.

Wah, once the thing over already har, the Mrs Khoo still want to geh geh action action go tell her friend "Aiyah give my Ah Kim this sort of jade har, really wasted one lor, say what dun match her DeeOrr, tong kim eh kia is really cannot make it one lah, might as well i keep better!" Happy until invite the Ah Soh that time still say what "Eh, you two come dinner hor wear properly hor! dun throw my face", then the Ah Soh tell her ei sai la.

Wah kao the wedding ah, people talk three day also talk until the door gift only. Dunno where they dig up what MP la NMP la CEO la Towkay la Minister la to come also lor. The Mrs Khoo hi here hi there is damn busy lor, but busy still got time to hope that Ah Soh's Si Gi Nah dun anyhow go and make trouble. Haiyo, ask her to leave that si gi nah at home still die die want to bring, k la k la anyway my ah kim also getting married close one eye.

Then she go and see hor, then saw one side is the Ah Soh and her Si Gin Nah lor. But never mind la, they that day is wear can make it one la. Then hor, see liao see liao like, eh, how come got people like staring at her har? stare liao still never mind leh, like dunno whisper whisper what one lor. then some more like, getting more and more lor. The Mrs Khoo see until Sibeh Geh yan, then go overr that time, WAHKAO! machiam see ghost lor! that si gi nah is wearing the jade lor! then wear until like sibeh high like that, her mother also talk here talk there like si beh si boon like that, no more the last time "ei sai ei sai" already.

Har?! Why like that?! Eh! Mr Khoo leh? Mrs Khoo is already like gam phua unglam like that, like very qi gek then pai seh, then like, really really buay tahan already. My Ah Kim know liao is kill herself one lor! Kill that fucking Ah Soh lor! Fuck!

Angmor tourist hospitalised after vegetarian meal

2005-09-13T08:02:00.000-07:00

Hunger turned into Emergency at a small vegetarian restaurant the day before. Ms. Amelia Leafkiller, a strict vegetarian and angmor tourist was warded after developing a psychosomatic reaction to the mock duck she was eating. The Kentang interviewed Mdm. Brinjal Tan, an old time friend of Ms. Leafkiller who brought her to the restaurant.

"Knowing she was a vegetarian and strict Angmor, I thought it'd be good to let her try some Asian vegetarian food," said a distraught Mdm. Tan. "She seemed to like it at first, but after I told her that what she just ate was 'Vegetarian Duck', she just started choking and sputtering, breaking out in rashes, turning an alarming shade of yeasty, and was acting totally hysterical. It took a squad of riot police to bring her down - although she only seemed to have the strength of four people."

Doctors have classified Ms. Leafkiller's physical reaction as purely psychosomatic; and an interview she granted to The Kentang has shed light on her extreme behaviour. "The truth is I'm a vegetarian due to a traumatic, Freudian experience in my childhood. I've never been able to tolerate eating any form of meat since then," she confesses. "I thought I was eating some Soy by-product, but then Brinjal said it was 'vegetarian duck', and well, I thought it was the meat of ducks fed purely on vegetables."

Ms. Leafkiller has apologised to the restaurant and offered to pay compensation for any distress. After hearing her story, the proprietor kindly offered to provide her with a supply of vegetarian mock meats to bring back to her country, in the hopes that a compromise between meat and vegetables will assist her on the road to psychological recovery.

Specialists to draft contingency plans for Singapore

2005-09-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

Following the disaster in New Orleans where the city was plunged into lawlessness after being hit by Hurricane Katrina, Singapore has commissioned a team of specialists to draft a special contingency plan should the country be hit by any large scale natural or civil disaster. The Kentang spoke to Col. Kitty Mao, the Chief Clerk attached to the team.

"Basically failed relief efforts led to the widespread disorder, something which shows that we cannot be complacent as human behaviour is unpredictable, especially after disaster strikes," began Col. Mao. "While Singapore has been blessed with Indonesia and Malaysia to soak up most natural disasters, one never knows."

"Thus it is imperative to ensure that a stable supply of state sanctioned media is available to the public, even after the most extreme disasters, say, a volcanic eruption beneath the Esplanade," continued Col. Mao. "Currently, our team is looking at ways to store huge television screens in bunkers for long periods of time without mechanical decay. Any loss of television to our nation will be a severe blow to national solidarity; I think we can safely consider the inhuman prevalence of television broadcasts on public buses as a cruelty Uniquely Singaporean."

When asked to elaborate on their plans, Col. Mao said that, "Its mostly confidential, but in essence, should disaster strike, the televisions will be extracted and distributed island wide to refugee camps and other public gathering areas. There they will broadcast a mixture of comforting propaganda featuring the cast of Phua Chu Kang, as well as re-runs of CSI, Smallville, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and anything else available in a $29.99 DVD box set format. We plan to purchase large quantities of these shows from Thailand's street markets and store them alongside the televisions for prompt access in times of emergency."

"We believe that television, has an incredible power to make people sit down and stare vapidly, perfect for maintaining order following any disaster, as well as quelling any social discontent. The long term mind numbing banality that it introduces to societies that cannot control its power can be turned into an instrument of good. Already, this property has been used to great effect in Singapore," said Col. Mao.

The Kentang asked whoever would talk to us their opinion of this plan. Ms. Fellatious Chia, a dental specialist, said that she wasn't sure if it would work, "If I lost my house in Singapore to an amoral force of nature, I'm not quite sure the first thing I'd like to see on my bus ride to Changi Airport to grab a flight to my house in Perth is more TV Mobile."

NUS to revamp module bidding system

2005-08-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

Faced with numerous complaints about overcrowded servers, a confusing system, people who bid unscrupulously, general hassle, and pinched in the nipple by an online petition to revamp the current CORS system, NUS has decided to develop and implement a whole new system for students to select modules and tutorials.

Titled "NUS The MMORPG: World of Modules", the new system will allow students to register with the server, create a unique character, then battle other students in a virtual battleground for places in modules, preferred tutorial timeslots, and CCA points.

Ms. Wang Ong Wai, one of the key developers of the new system says that "The previous CORS system was designed to teach students how to consider their priorities and essentially slug it out for modules in a fair, equitable, and responsible way. But this new system is even better at teaching students about priorities, resource management, and competitive survival in the New Global Economy. Because the game will be in real time, it will also train their reflexes and general game play skills, allowing NUS students to succeed in other MMORPGs such as World of Warcraft, Rose Online, and Maple Story."

The basic game mechanics have been designed to be both quickly learned by novice freshman, yet complex enough for advanced seniors to be innovative and creative in their approach. Each student can create one (and only one) character affiliated to a "Faculty"; characters from different Faculties receive various diverse bonuses to certain skills and stats. Students are encouraged to team up to complete "quests" and raid dungeons which will win them places in the modules or timetable slots of their choice, with the difficulty of creeps dependant on the level of the module. Thus a Lvl 10 Freshman FASS student will probably not survive in a Lvl 3 Engineering Module dungeon. "This aims to prevent students from taking up places in too many irrelevant modules. Students from a particular faculty will have attack bonuses and additional magic resistances when fighting for modules from their own faculty. The teamwork involved aims to bring the NUS community together as a whole: getting the GEM and Breadth modules a student needs to graduate would require help from characters in that particular faculty. Our server will also be fully PvP, thus reflecting the competitive climate of today's academic environment. Characters can be backstabbed and robbed of their modules even after completing quests, thus, vigilance and resource management is imperative."

"Admittedly, we owe much of the game concepts from World of Warcraft due to budget and time constraints. However, we will modify spells and abilities to reflect our local environment. For example, certain dungeon bosses (called "Lecturers" in the game) have a skill "Wave of Readings", causing direct damage and area of effect stun. Others have a skill "Offensive Powerpoint", which can put all non-undead characters in an area to sleep. For a total cost of three peanuts and half a coconut, I think we'd have something pretty l337," said Ms. Wang. "NUS the MMORPG: World of Modules" is expected to be implemented by the next academic semester, with Beta testing and trial play later in this semester.

New Campaign in Support of President Nathan

2005-08-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

Worried by the unhappiness expressed by certain sectors that President Nathan is the only candidate accepted for Singapore's presidential poll, a committee has been established to formulate a campaign that will place President Nathan in a positive light and encourage Singaporeans to accept him as our friendly neighbourhood president. The Kentang spoke to Mr. How Jiang Ma, one of the high ranking civil servants on the committee.

"We were quite fortunate in that this problem was taken so seriously that we had a totally free hand in creating this campaign. We were even allowed to use Singlish!" said Mr. How. "We came up with the following slogan 'Nathan: Arbuthen', which we believe is both catchy, easily understood by Singaporeans and even almost rhymes."

When asked to talk more about the campaign, Mr. How said that "it's really very simple. President Nathan, though he has the power to veto government decisions, has not done so in his previous term. This makes him the trusted candidate for re-election. Furthermore, he seems to have the support of the government, since no scandals have surfaced, so there really is nothing stopping him from carrying on in his position. Our campaign merely strives to remind Singaporeans of these facts. Internal Security is important for us to survive in the new global economy.

"In other words, who's going to be president? Nathan, Arbuthen!" Mr. How concluded.

Singaporeans asked by The Kentang about their views on President Nathan largely expressed indifference. The general atmosphere is perhaps best summed up by the comments of Mr. Chew Wee Ting, who said:

I guess he's alright. No harm done so far. Eh, this prata inside like got some peanuts hor.

Nutritional Information

2005-08-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

The Kentang (The topical blog for tropical potatoes) would like to make a few comments after reading the various comments left by certain tropical potatoes.

1. The Kentang is not the Singapore Blogosphere's classifieds section. The Kentang does not endorse Yunnan, Beijing 101, or any other form of follicle stimulating procedures. For those with such interests or similar, please refrain from turning The Kentang into your link page. You are free to contact the SBDA through Ms. Regina Juggs to find a blog with a more relevant, balding, readership to place such enlightening links.

2. Potatoes by nature are passive tubers, often ending up brutally sectioned, frittered, or sliced before eventual deep frying and consumption. However, instead of angsting unduly about their lot, they prefer a chuckle before their inevitable demise. The Kentang is written in this spirit - a stoic lack of faith in the ability of most people, present company included, to contribute to positive human progress at all levels of society, leading to a type of universal camaderie and bemusement.

3. Hence, If you have any menstrual problems with the tropical island in question, please attend LTC(NS) Ngai Teo See Phyllis' seminar "The absorbency of newspaper against bloody pores", rather than engaging in undue distress over the veracity of articles found within The Kentang.

4. The Kentang tries very hard to cite sources when exhibiting figures or facts from other tubers, fruits and vegetables. This is less in the spirit of Honouring Intellectual Property, and more in a desire to avoid responsibility and sensible journalism, something we share with Singapore's local media and newspapers. Please direct blame to the relevant genus if you desire any corrections, but do let us know, for a future of more enjoyable fertiliser experiences is ours to make.

5. Please do not sue us, we have only carbohydrates to give. Not a source of peanut oil.

6. If you have any misgivings about the preceding points, may we suggest this family friend.

Very the Singapore, Vol. 4

2005-08-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken on August 8th, and provides a visual example for,

BOH CHUP
Nonchalant; relaxed; phlegmatic. Can be used as both adjective and verb.
1. “He’s very boh chup about his work.”
2. “Aiyah, boh chup him, lor.”

(Definition provided by the Coxford Singlish Dictionary, and The Kentang does not take any responsibility for any errors it may contain. The Kentang also suggests Po Chai Pills should you feel the need to highlight any errors, and if that is still insufficient, then we recommend you listen to this.)

Analysts warn of mid-life crisis as Singapore turns 40

2005-07-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

As Singapore's 40th year of independence draws near, experts warn of the dangers should the island-state suffer from menopause and/or a mid-life crisis. The Kentang spoke to Dr. Cherry Phua, gynaecologist, urologist, part time sociology lecturer at NUS, and resident polygamist at the National University Hospital, Singapore.

"Basically there is a very risky time ahead for our country's emotional, mental, and physical health," said Dr. Phua. "With her 40th year approaching, we should be prepared to experience various problems that could threaten our social and economic stability."

"According to recent findings by the association of Sated Scientists Without Bowel Movements (SSWBM), a group of scientists specialising in spending government grants, middle age not only affects people, but also cities, which are made up of people. Thus, we can expect our city-state, soon turning 40, to begin experiencing certain trauma that may have been less common in the past."

When asked to elaborate, Dr. Phua says that while the findings are "rather vague, and subject to various interpretation", it is possible to predict certain scenarios based on more established medical literature. The Kentang lists some of the possibilities below, as well as Dr. Phua's advice to Singaporeans on coping or dealing with them.

Hot Flushes

Hot Flushes, commonly experienced by menopausal women, are likely to be experienced by our country in years to come; we can expect longer periods of warm and uncomfortable weather, and the resultant irritability. "Keeping calm and relaxed during such periods is imperative," says Dr. Phua. "I would strongly advise staying away from anything that could cause undue stress and irritation, such as TV mobile, traffic jams, and the SAF." On the other hand, Singaporeans are likely to achieve really nice tans, and the sunshine could continue to draw tourists to Sentosa after the Integrated Resorts lose their charm, estimated at 3 months after opening. Ms. Poh Chai Wan, of the Singapore Association of Aunties (SAAu) suggests "drinking more cooling herbal teas and avoiding heaty foods in times of flushes."

Depression

This could manifest straightforwardly in an economic recession, or, more insidiously, in an increasing lack of interest in the things that have interested Singapore in previous years. This would include the acquisition of material wealth, the mindless leaping onto whatever global trend comes along, and the collection of Hello Kitty dolls. "This has the potential of being disastrous to our social and economic fabric," warns Dr. Phua. "As Singapore begins to ponder the meaning of life and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before, it will begin to feel confused about its identity and destination, as well as unusually adventurous in pursuing alternatives it may not have considered before. Thus we may witness Formula One racing events being held on our island, an increase in the number of arts students, students in NUS taking modules out of personal interest rather than taking only easy ones to pull up their CAP." While it is difficult to ascertain the extent of the damage, Dr. Phua suggests that any Singaporean crisis is best weathered in Australia, America, or possibly even Malaysia.

Sexual Desire

Many in a mid-life crisis experience a reawakening of strong sexual desire. Dr. Phua says that "we can expect to see great developments in both the Geylang area and the Singapore Pornography Sector." She cites the recent scandal involving Steve Chia as an example of behaviour that could become more commonplace as Singaporeans finally listen to their Government and consider making babies. "Of all the symptoms of middle age, this is possibly the only one that brings more good than harm, with an increase in both the birth rate and tourism to be expected," she says. While unhappiness is anticipated to come from various sectors, such as the Association of Religious and Incredulous People (ARIP) and the Community of Salah-ites Not Getting Any (CSNGA), their impact is expected to be minimal. As LTC(NS) Ngai Teo See Phyllis says, "I feel all yeasty thinking about it! Strangely, I'm thinking of a organising a reunion with my old kakis from the Singapore Association of Leathersexuals!"

Mood Swings

Singaporeans can expect frequent changes in Singapore's official stand on many things, from family planning to Formula One Racing, swinging between acceptance and enforced celebration, and chastisement and obligatory disapproval. "Furthermore, if Singapore really begins to lose interest in the monetary value of things, improbable as that sounds, then we will lose any reason to want to appear more cosmopolitan and liberal than our neighbours. This could cause confusion over certain pertinent social and ethical questions in our country," says Dr. Phua. "For example, with the monetary considerations out of the way, Singapore will be forced to re-evaluate the worth of our Integrated Resorts and decide if we made a mistake. And we may actually have to start looking at issues such as homosexuality from the viewpoints of human rights rather than just the amount of their Pink Dollar."

However, other analysts say that they do not expect much difference from the status quo. Mr. Kelapa Kepala, a lecturer of economics at the Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts says that "For Singapore to lose sight of its goal to succeed in the global economy is not merely improbably, it is an impossibility. When a country has to devote all its resources to survival, there is no room for art beyond that used to bait foreign investors. And anyway," he continues, "in previous years Singapore's attitude to many things has been notoriously fickle, so I think we should all be used to such things by now."

Osteoporosis

Possibly the most disastrous event that could occur would be the onset of osteoporosis, weakening Singapore's physical structure. "With all our underground tunnels and shopping malls, any further weakening in Singapore's physical structure could mean a literal collapse of our nation," says Prof. Chempedak Chan, a lecturer of Geography and Ornamental Zoology at NUS. Plans that have been found in the main office of the Singapore Tourism Board to convert Singapore into a "Giant Underwater Theme Park, tentatively named 'Merlion World' should Singapore collapse into the sea" are the only evidence that the Government is aware of the situation and is taking it seriously.

Urinary Incontinence

Already occurring, with the Toilet Aunties and Cleaning Uncles Association (TACUA) lobbying for the mandatory use of adult diapers during parliament sessions.

-

With the future so uncertain, it appears that Singaporeans can expect a rough time after turning 40. Still, many are taking it with characteristic good cheer and Singlish, which The Kentang has decided to retain in this articles against the guidelines of the SBDA.

Balaji Boji, a secondary 1 student, says, "It's that serious? I had better sell all my stock in peanuts before anything happens."

Mdm. Quintuplet Quek, an accountant says "Where got such thing one? 40 year old mid life crisis mean Singapore 80 years then die leh. Eh, Jialat leh! Die liao then how ar?"

Rise in Violence on SBS Buses

2005-07-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

A recent wave of violent activity has hit Singapore, where commuters on local buses (normally watching out for ticket inspectors while placidly minding their own business) have begun to hurl obscenities, deface public property, and engage in generally un-Asian behaviour. The Kentang spoke to Professor Kitty Chan, a lecturer of Applied Behavioural Science at NUS with an irrelevant BA in ornamental gardening from Chulalongkorn University.

"What we have here is a very interesting phenomenon, where Singaporeans are displaying an unusually aggressive strain anti-social behaviour rather than the passive strain we normally see," says Prof. Chan. "So far, this only happens when certain phenomena occur within Singaporean society, such as the presence of Hello Kitty dolls, charity scandals, or Murder cases over-hyped by the media. When these occur, there are often other behavioural spectacles: similar 4D numbers being bought, MCs being taken, and a nationwide shift in Auntie Density to the epicentres of these events."

When asked which event was likely to have triggered such abnormal behaviour, Prof. Chan says that "this is a rather unusual case, where the behaviour is not due to any sudden event, but rather the product of a festering hatred for TV mobile."

"Whereas buses were once places where everyone could gather together, be in close physical proximity, yet not interact and zone out for the length of the journey, the introduction of TV mobile means that something is being shared among the passengers - a mounting irritation at inane programming, exacerbated when the signal is choppy, causing the show to disintegrate into random stills and shrill spats of noise. This places strain on the average Singaporean, who cannot imagine any form of random social interaction taking place on a bus. As the pressure mounts, it will eventually reach a point where the average Singaporean feels inclined to such behaviour."

When asked if there was any other contributing factors, Prof. Chan suggested that the increased frequency of National Day Songs might have accelerated the breakdown of commuter's patience.

Salah-ation

2005-07-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

For those who saw the last post titled "Rather unfortunately", it was meant for another blog, hence the strange references to Cambodia. All that is relevant is that Khmer Potatos may turn out to be Sweet Potatos.

Very the Singapore, Vol. 3

2005-07-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

KAN CHEONG
(kahn chee-ong)
A Cantonese and Hokkien term meaning nervous, harried or uptight.
"Your exam in June, now only March, you kan-cheong for what?" (The exam's in June and now it's only March. What are you getting so nervous about?"

Can you spot the Kan Cheong Spider?

Definition provided by The Coxford Singlish Dictionary

Five local journalists fail English test

2005-07-11T17:34:00.000-07:00

They want English right but they can't write.

As journalists they wrote articles promoting the "Speak Good English" campaign, educate the public (especially the Chinese speaking public) on the dangers of Singapore being unable to remain competitive in the Global Economy with Singlish, and the threat of global ridicule.

Now these journalists themselves have failed an English test created by Mdm. Dotty Chua, a primary school teacher. The test would assess the journalists grasp of English spelling and grammar. At The Kentang's request, an additional section was attached to the back of the test: Section 4, Correct Usage of Singlish Auxiliary Particles in Speech.

"While all 5 journalists scored full marks for section 4, the scores for the previous 3 sections are generally lower than those of my class when they took this test," said Mdm. Chua.

These are journalists who have been sensationally decrying our English ever since the government made it fashionable. The Kentang asked several people in the same newspapers for their opinion.

Other Journalists Ecstatic

Whatever the case, the discovery has brought great joy and laughter to their colleagues. One fellow journalists we tried to contact replied to our voice message with an SMS, which we reproduce below.

OMFG tat so funni i kno his english veri salah dunno how become journalist hope kena fire

Said another source, "Our newspaper is so widely read in Singapore, we are always subject to the scrutiny of the discerning public. I always tell my journalists to use the Spell Check function, and try to get somebody to proofread their drafts, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment when the deadline is coming, we forget."

"Sometimes they tell me 'One time never use Spell Check should be ok lah, I had a C6 in GP, should be alright. Anyway our article is about how the rest of Singapore has salah English, nobody will know the difference'. I try to correct them but they're all so moist and yeasty," the source continued.

Another source, an editor, says that "We do not discriminate against the people we take in. You can have a D7 for O level English, but as long as you can use a full stop we will welcome you. This is largely because most people with a higher grade than that often take local journalism as a joke and shun our industry."

Yet another source, expressed his reservations about gloating too much on this issue. "To gloat about other people's bad English is to miss the point. Bad English is a sickness that affects every Singaporean, regardless of profession. In terms of absolute numbers, there are more non-journalists than journalists spouting incomprehensible gibberish. We should devote more time and resources to actually fighting this scourge which is quickly spreading, as casual contact with people who speak bad English often causes one to catch it as well. Everybody makes mistakes, some of which will end up published."

In light of recent events, the Kentang agrees with this opinion.

New Breed of Singaporean Tour Guides to be Bred

2005-07-07T05:09:00.000-07:00

"To ensure that the Singaporean Integrated Resorts are different from other casinos (besides its denial) it has to have the correct amount of Uniquely Singaporean Culture infused into it," says Mr. Mir Singha, the principal of a new school established to train what he calls "The Next Generation of Singapore's Service Industry".

"While Genetics play a part in inculcating Service DNA, we are more inclined towards finding solutions targeted at nurture, not nature," says Mr. Singha. "Thus, we have established the Merlion Tourism Institute to train a new breed of Singaporeans to answer to the governments call for Singaporeans to lower down and embrace tourists, in a friendly, welcoming and obsequious manner.

The school will train primarily tour guides, although courses for waiters, card dealers and toilet cleaners will also be available. What makes the school unique among other training institutes in Singapore is that training begins from the prospective student's infancy.

"We start so early because we have to infuse a Uniquely Singaporean culture into them. Since this includes elements that have come to be embarrassing, such as the Merlion, and t-shirts extolling Singaporean fines, the only way that this culture can be painlessly inbred into them is if they've believed it all their lives, something that not even you and I can boast," says Mr. Singha to The Kentang (as well as all Singaporeans). These children will grow up in the same bubble that once housed the Singapore Tourism Board, allowing them to have what the rest of us don't - real live culture, in the manner of yoghurt."

In 15 years, The Merlion Tourism Institute aims to provide Singapore with a whole new generation of young, professionally trained members of the service industry, with a Uniquely Singaporean element that will enable them to confidently take foreigners to tours of the Merlion in Sentosa just before bringing them to the Integrated Resort to give our nation more fuel to run in the new global economy. The Kentang believes that used in conjuction with genetic engineering of Service DNA, the future looks bright and sunny for Singapore, especially from a future vantage point of Anywhere Else.

Very The Singapore, Vol. 2

2005-06-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

Some things never change, but in Singapore, some things change, but might as well have not changed.

Then

Now

Then

Now

Although unable to photograph any of the fishermen native to Changi Beach, The Kentang guarantees (plus chop) that they exist. The Singaporean fisherman, once living by the beach and occasionally going inland, now lives inland and occasionally goes to the beach, catching fish in a process that has changed little in the last century, and looks unlikely to change much even in the next.

Team of scientists to inculcate "Service DNA" into Singaporeans

2005-06-13T05:29:00.000-07:00

Following the comments made by Mr. Seng Han Thong that Singaporeans should inculcate the "service DNA", a team of Life Sciences researchers have begun work on designing a set of DNA that would give future generations of Singaporeans a genetic edge in the service industry. The Kentang spoke to Professor Kenni Heptchu, one of the scientists in the team.

"When we first read the article and came across the term 'service DNA', we were inclined to dismiss it as one of those rubbishy, vaguely scientific metaphors thrown about by people with arts degrees. However, upon further contemplation, we felt that genetic manipulation was the only way to give the service industry in Singapore a future. This was the impetus that brought us together, apply for a grant, and begin our work," said Professor Heptchu.

When asked to elaborate on the reason for this project, Prof. Heptchu explained that "Its true Singapore needs a boost to its service industry, but training, education and propaganda, the traditional methods of stimulating a component of society, simply cannot work in this case. Singaporeans have been brought up believing themselves at the top of the economic food chain - with maids to cook, clean, and be a target of abuse; and foreign workers from poorer countries to build our skyscrapers and wipe our kopitiam tables.

"How can you suddenly expect a race of people like this to suddenly bow down politely to rude customers, change bed sheets, and deal cards to others, especially if they aren't westerners but merely the 'new rich from rising economies such as Shenzhen and Hong Kong'?" asked Prof. Heptchu rhetorically, quoting the final phrase from the NTUC newspaper. He then proceeded to employ other another literary device by answering his own question for emphasis: "Simple. Genetic Manipulation"

"The new generation of Singaporeans," says Prof. Heptchu, "will have their DNA altered to make them more palatable to foreign tastes. Basically, we aim to make them more nimble and agile, enabling them to cope with the various tasks found at restaurants, hotels, and Integrated Resorts. They will also have a special flap in their throat that will slide across the windpipe whenever any Singlish is spoken, resulting in a cough and proper intonation, or omission of the Singlish auxiliary sentence particles. Other features we are working on include a special skin colour that will render us distinguishable from both Westerners and those from China or Japan, and altering a portion of the brain to instill a sense of reverence whenever another person claims to be from a foreign country."

"We believe that this will truly bring Singaporean Service back to the glory days of Sahibs and Memsahibs, enabling Singapore to further survive in the new economy that seems to emphasise so much on opening up our services to all foreigners, not just the talented ones or those planning to invest in our private sector," concluded Mr. Heptchu.

Singapore to Launch New Anti-Smoking Campaign

2005-06-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

The recent National Health Survey has shown that health status and the risk factors among Singaporeans has improved, particularly so for smoking. It's down from 15.2% to 12.6% so that's good news for everyone. But on the other hand, I've also been speaking to many international experts in this area and they do advise with such a low smoking prevalence rate, we face quite a big battle ahead. Obviously our target is to go lower, 11% to 12%, though we don't have a definitive number in mind but really it's now going lower. How do we do that? The good thing about this is that we know now that we really have to start being very relevant and very targeted about messaging.

Choo Lin (CL), Manager of the National Smoking Control Program of the Health Promotion Board or HPB. [source]

In light of this announcement, a new and exciting campaign has been formed to discourage the young from smoking, as well as encourage other smokers to give it up. The Kentang spoke to a representative from the Health Promotion Board, Mr. Andy Mirrors.

"Basically campaigns in the past have tended to appeal to either smoker's sense of responsibility, with such slogans as "Smoking harms your family", or their fear of disease, for example by showing them graphic videos of damaged brains or lungs. However, these messages are getting rather old, and does not appeal to a vast section of Singaporeans - the disillusioned and the "simply bochup". Obviously, we need achieve a paradigm shift and find a new set of messages that will reach out to even more Singaporeans." said Mr. Mirrors.

"We believe that we have found the approach and message. Instead of appealing to the average Singaporean's sense of decency, we appeal to their inherent suspicion of all things that benefit the government. One only has to look at the local Budget Statement of 2005 to realise that duties on tobacco have been raised again, to '$293 per 1,000 sticks to $352 per 1,000 sticks', which is 'expected to increase revenues by $158 million'. Our message to Singaporeans is 'Do you really want to give your government that much of your money?'. Or put more strikingly (and this is what will be on every poster that we display and in all of our public announcements) 'Don't Smoke. Rebel.'"

"Again, one can look at the Opening Remarks by Mr Teo Eng Cheong, Director-General of Singapore Customs, during the Asia Excise Taxation Conference, Singapore where he says that 'the duty for each stick of cigarette is now 35.2 cents'. While this in itself discourages some people from smoking with the increased price of cigarettes, we hope to wake up people's idea to the fact that for each stick you light up, 35.2 cents is going to somebody that you also pay income tax and GST to."

To further illustrate his point, Mr. Mirrors gave The Kentang permission to reveal some of the proposed slogans on the posters (which, as mentioned, will also bear the main message "Don't smoke. Rebel."

"They're going to earn $158,000,000 more. But only if you smoke."

"At least you get some of your CPF back."

"You'll die early, but they'll still have gotten their money's worth from you."

"They won't earn a cent if you'd just take drugs instead."

"$352 per 1000 sticks goes to the people who insulted you the last anti-smoking campaign."

"You're Right, you'll only die later. But somebody else is spending your money now."

"Smoking causes a long and painful death. Because as long as you're alive, they get 35.2 cents a stick."

"Smoking harms your loved ones, and benefits the other ones."

"They don't want you to smoke. You apologise in cash."

"The final posters on display will be in full colour, and depict happy ministers showing off their latest pay raises. We are confident that this campaign will greatly discourage the purchase of cigarettes, lower the number of smokers, and turn off all young people, especially those Junior College students with a B3 and above in their GP, from picking up this economically lucrative habit," concluded Mr. Mirrors, adding that any more suggestions for slogans would be very welcome.

Singapore raising the pink lantern?

2005-06-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

Singapore to raise the pink lantern for visitors?

After placing a red light at the window for foreigners, it appears Singapore now wants to raise a pink lantern, spotted at City Hall. This may be a sign that for Singapore, known for its peculiarly condescending though relatively tolerant attitude towards homosexuality (due to fear of global laughter, desire for the pink dollar and hairstylists on one hand, and a 19 century Victorian moral code on the other), economics and a lust for the reputation of San Francisco may be winning out.

The Kentang asked several people passing by who were accosted by the pink balloon for their take on the floating puff.

Mr. Luscious Ong, a hairstylist, said, "I don't think it means anything other than a really tacky programme. And considering it's located outside a mall, a subway, and Cafe Cartel, there's nothing particularly Uniquely Singaporean either. Its not even Uniquely Singaporean in tackiness like Phua Chu Kang."

Ms. Deivan Nair, a stripper, commented that "Malaysia probably could do better. They'd have two balloons instead of one."

Mr. Dexter Regina Zhang, took a more cynical view: "If Singapore's really out for pink then they're being awfully silly about it. Really. I think this is just a way of touting Singapore's declining birth rate as something unique by putting up a singular swollen testicle for show."

His friend, LTC(NS) Ngai Teo See, Phyllis said that "the colour, it's so zesty! And the concept of a giant balloon, gosh, it's so yeasty! I feel strangely moist just looking at it! Good Job!"

New Language Centre to Open

2005-05-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

Plans have been unveiled to open a new language centre in Singapore: The Robin Layong English School (RLES). Unlike other language centres that offer instruction in various languages, RLES strives to offer instruction in various English Slangs.

"Most people think we are redundant, since all Singaporeans display an innate ability to quickly acquire a slang once placed in a foreign country," says Mr. Robin Layong, the founder of the school. "However, different people achieve various amounts of success when a foreign slang is used: sometimes the speaker gets called a 'Bloody Kentang', whereas another speaker may be able to receive a polite greeting, a show of deference, and questions as to which non-Singaporean country he received his PhD from. Obviously, the second standard of slang is what we train all our students to achieve."

"It is a another common misconception that slang is perfectible by practice, and therefore formal instruction is not needed," continued Mr. Layong. "Our local DJs and television artistes talk in slang every single day but are still stuck at the 'Bloody Kentang' level."

RLES will begin by offering courses in American slang, Australian slang, Canadian Slang and British slang, as these are the most common destinations for Singaporeans to pursue university education. Another course that Mr. Layong thinks will be popular is the "Singlish Rehabilitation Course" for scholars returning from overseas to once again be able to order their food at local Macdonald's outlets and hawker centres.

When it is more established, RLES plans to offer courses in more specialised forms of slang: Manja (for SPGs and TaiTais), AhGua (for metrosexuals and heterosexual males who need girlfriends), and Army Jargon. "Essentially what we hope to provide is professional and dedicated instruction in useful slangs, enabling all Singaporeans, regardless of race, language or religion, to fit into any social context, anywhere around the world, and even in our own country. We let you achieve the best of Singaporean Slang, honed through the ages to manja the foreigners," concluded Mr. Layong.

The Kentang would like to thank Podah.com for relevant nonsense within this article.

90% of Singaporean youth unaware that women have breasts

2005-05-29T02:17:00.000-07:00

In a survey done of 5000 Singaporeans aged 17 to 24, it was revealed that 90% of them were unaware that women had breasts. Ms. Gina Seow, a sociologist drawing a salary from NUS for no discernable work, comments that "This would explain the fascination that Singaporeans have with topless cabaret shows and surfing the internet. Throughout their education the younger generation of Singaporeans have been shielded from the fact that women have breasts, by our forms of sex education and film censorship. I would attribute it to a natural curiosity on their part, since they are unable to find answers from their parents, who would be too embarrassed to talk about such things."

The Kentang interviewed one of the participants in the survey who had indicated that he did not know that women has breasts. When asked if he noticed any physical difference between males and females, he said, "I just thought boys in general are whinier than girls, and had smaller pectorals than the girls. I figured that was why they were so tough, even though we do NS."

"This is exactly the sort of comment we can expect from students who have no idea of the differences between boys and girls other than what Mr. Yeo says," said Ms. Seow, alluding to recent comments made by Mr. Philip Yeo, the chairman of A*Star. "When film censors let through gratuitous violence but come down excessively hard on sex and nudity, then oil is added to the fire."

In related news, a 12 year old girl has been warded at NUS after attempting to remove part of a slow growing, possibly malignant tumor on her chest, using surgical procedures found in her new Secondary 1 Science Textbook.

Tragedy on "Eat With Your Family" Day

2005-05-28T01:10:00.000-07:00

Shock has turned to horror when it was discovered that a man killed and consumed part of his family yesterday, which was designated "Eat With Your Family" Day.

Mr. Jimmy Thia, 38 and unemployed, was arrested yesterday after it neighbours discovered that the breast meat inside his "Curry Kentang" formerly belonged to his wife, Ms. Jenny Thia. Apparently, with his reduced family size, Mr. Thia could not finish the meal and offered the rest to his neighbours as he viewed them as part of the larger family of Singaporeans.

Although Mr. Thia referred to the dish as "being made from his wife", suspicions were only aroused when he referred to his "Pai Gu Wang" being "made from his daughter". This was because while it was widely known that Mr. Thia had severe problems with the English language and could have actually wanted to say "being made by his wife", it was also widely known that Mr. Thia's daughter had achieved a F9 in home economics and was unable to cook even scrambled eggs. This, coupled with the allergic reaction of one of his neighbours, Mrs. Mary Jane Chew, who previously learned she was allergic to human flesh after consuming human foetuses in a recent trip to Hong Kong, led neighbours to interrogate Mr. Thia until he finally confessed that he had made his wife into Curry Kentang, his daughter into Pai Gu Wang, and his son into a particularly tender satay dish. After critisising the Pai Gu Wang for being too sour, the police were called in.

The Kentang managed to speak with Mr. Thia, asking him for his reasons behind this grisly act. Speaking in Singlish, Mr. Thia said, "It was a misunderstanding, really. I read the posters and understood them as wanting me to 'Eat my family', to permanently bond us together, for as long as I live. I have always been a firm supporter of government campaigns: when the "Smile" Singapore campaign was on, for example, I made it a point to brush my teeth and my family's teeth daily and would slap my children if they refused to smile at any point of the day. I also burned all my chewing gum when it was banned, and even washed my children in a pail when I saw the inspirational posters telling us to save water. I'm hoping that in this light, the government will forgive this misreading and my D7 in O Level English."

Neighbours that The Kentang spoke to confirm that Mr. Thia was indeed an avid supporter of government campaigns, despite poor English. Mrs. Mary Jane Chew says, "He was a quiet man, generally, very polite and helpful. I genuinely believe that he made an honest mistake, with tasty consequences". Police Inspector Reginia Lim who is leading the investigation, when asked for her opinion, would only describe the curry as "rather spicy".

Singapore could become a regional prostitution hub

2005-05-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Singapore to raise the red lantern for foreigners?

Following the arrest of a Singaporean in Thailand after he was suspected of being involved in child prostitution, a committee has been set up to study Singapore's potential towards becoming the regions new prostitution hub. The Kentang interviewed Mr. Forceps Peh, Chairman of the Committee, as yet unnamed as a suitable acronym has not been found.

"Basically what the arrest of the Singaporean means is that Thailand is now trying to clean up its image and become more strict on prostitution. This naturally creates a vacuum in the market that Singapore is in a prime position to fill," says Mr. Peh. "We plan to stimulate the Geylang area, which already has a large part of our necessary infrastructure in place, namely budget hotels and dim alleyways, as well as plenty of places for dining and post activity cleansing."

"Besides, the local climate couldn't be more right for such a venture," continued Mr. Peh. "The approval of the casino, albeit called an 'integrated resort', has proven that for Singapore to survive, we have to provide more special services to pull in the foreigners and become a global city. Otherwise we will become a backwards country with nothing more to our name than cutting edge biotechnology and NUS being ranked 10th in social sciences. To skip any legal issues, we would just have to name our initiatives less controversially, for example marketing Singapore as a 'Global Centre of Special Singaporean Massage'."

When asked if he was concerned over any negative reactions from indigenous Singaporeans, Mr. Peh said that "Singaporeans, by now, should have gotten used to being prostituted to foreigners. We've been bending over backwards for them with open gates since 1819. So, no, I don't foresee any credible or significant public opposition to our initiatives."

SBDA to set down guidelines for Singaporean Bloggers on scholarship

2005-05-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

Following the recent scandals involving Singaporean Scholars in foreign countries and their Blogs involving either racist, defamatory, or sexist remarks, The Singapore Blogosphere Development Council has decided to publish a pamphlet to "advise Singaporean Bloggers on what is considered socially acceptable topics for publication on Blogs".

Ms Regina Juggs, chairperson of the SBDA says, "Singaporean Scholars, especially those on PSC or A*Star scholarships should realise that they are some form of celebrity here, and their remarks are subject to close scrutiny by the public. Unlike western countries, Singapore has no particularly interesting television nor movie celebrities as they are largely occupied with masochistic charity programmes and filming advertisements for our various local campaigns. Hence, when Singaporeans need somebody to abuse, having grown tired of abusing decadent westerners, domestic servants, or member of opposition parties, they naturally turn to prestigious scholars."

"This state of affairs is further exacerbated by the intense pressure placed on all Singaporean youth to study hard, so as to eventually achieve degrees from foreign universities, and the prestige of possessing a scholarship that bestows a generous amount of money. With our Kiasu psychology and emphasis on the monetary, Scholars are made the cream of our meritocracy and thus are prime targets for assault should they run counter to societal norms," stated Ms. Juggs.

Ms. Juggs emphasises that in Singapore, the societal norm is very important, being the second most influential factor when government policy is considered, the first being the interests of foreign investors. "Societal norms in Singapore are firmly established and unlikely to change, as efforts to change them are often denied; the reason being precisely that they run counter to the societal norm. This circular logic has been cultivated and waterproofed to ensure that Singapore remains a stable and healthy society. What this means for the Singaporean Scholar is that if they do not wish to see their face plastered over infantile blogs and message boards, the Straits Times, and The New Paper, they would do well to conform to the common views of Singaporean Society, as well as not break their bonds."

"The pamphlet will also have the added bonus of promoting a healthy Singaporean blogospheric environment, portraying us as a vibrant and creative nation of independent thinkers that will survive into the 21st century and boost foreign investor confidence in our country," added Ms. Juggs.

Still, not all Singaporeans are happy with the news. Mr. Crystal Chen, a student at a local junior college says, "If all high end scholarship holders become too cowed to put up their entertaining flawed ideas, then who am I going to flame? And how will the Straits Times find News for their Sunday Editions?"

In related news, a male blogger current studying abroad on an A*Star scholarship is considering suing Mr. Philip Yeo, Chairman of A*Star for defamation following Mr. Yeo's remarks that he was "whiny and immature, even after completing NS". "Nothing short of a full retraction of everything Mr. Yeo has said and thought on the issue, as well as a published apology will appease me," says the blogger. When asked to elaborate on what exactly would Mr. Yeo be asked to retract, the blogger replied, "I don't know. I think everything he has said in the last two weeks would suffice."

Singapore may become "Hipopolis", warns SASF

2005-05-15T02:13:00.000-07:00

Following recent articles in our local papers, concerns have been raised over the possibility that Singapore will be marketed as a "Hipopolis". Singaporeans Against Singaporean Fun (SASF) is one of the newly formed groups aimed at persuading the government to keep Singapore from becoming "too hip in a Singaporean way". The Kentang spoke to Mr. Günter Gan, the Chairman of SASF.

"The SASF was formed by a group of concerned citizens alarmed at the government's increasing insistence that we become a fun and exciting city. Warning bells sounded since the Straits Times carried a front page article on 30th April titled 'Injecting fun into 'Dullsville Singapore''. While it rightly suggested that the government 'cannot manufacture fun', and 'incumbents and Government' should be 'left out' of any fun creating ventures, such suggestions and feedback from the public often go unheeded; a prime example of this would be on the recent Casino Issue.

"The members of SASF have identified a common trend in government policy - make a decision, put some articles in the newspapers to simulate some debate, then carry out the decision, justifying their decision with statements from various ministers. While we are confident of our inability to stop any results of a decision once it is publicised in the papers, that is to say, the earliest we can know about it, we aim to perform various acts of damage control to 'save face' with the rest of the world."

When asked just what was wrong with Singapore being fun, Mr Gan asserts that "it is not the idea of fun that disturbs us; more the direction that the government will take in turning us fun. That's why our group is not merely called the SAF (Singaporeans Against Fun) but the SASF. This distinction is important - if we could truly become a global city, a place with genuine creativity and innovation that's a joy to live in or visit, then we would, of course, be glad. After all, we're Singaporeans. But looking at previous campaigns started whenever the government feels that something in Singapore needs to be addressed, we're genuinely concerned that they may begin touting our country as a 'Hipopolis' or a 'Hip Hub' or some other strange variation. The takeover of Embassy by NTUC and renaming it DXO, the title of civilians who work in our Armed Forces, is an example of how our country's official agents have a peculiar approach to fun particularly since DXOs are considered part of the military but not quite military, suggesting that the club is sort of a club but not quite a club.

"Previous initiatives to boost Singapore's Global image such as the 'Courtesy Lion' campaign, the 'Smile, Singapore' campaign, and the Merlion have been, frankly, embarrassing. If another campaign is launched, the SASF will begin a programme of extensive damage control to prevent foreigners from thinking of our country as a big joke. This is especially important since online blogging is currently so popular - one embarrassing picture of a smiling teh tarik uncle or news about our Filipino maids rehired to work at the new Integrated Resorts since Singaporeans find it demeaning to work there - and we can be derided instantly, worldwide."

Mr Gan lists "A public blog to educate foreigners about Singapore as well as offer apologies and rationalisation" among the measures that the SASF will undertake should a crisis in our global image occur, saying that this will have the added advantage of "being able to educate foreigners that Singapore is NOT in China, and that the Merlion is not an actual Singaporean myth but an embarrassing creation of the STB." Profuse statements of embarrassment and disassociation from government and its agencies are some of the other messages that will be sent out should any emergency occur. "This will, hopefully, salvage investor confidence and faith in the intelligence of our people."

When queried by The Kentang as to whether the situation could really get so dire, Mr. Gan warns that it can, citing as evidence an article in the Straits Times, May 16th. "The authorities really have not much clue as to what is hip. The article, titled 'Lights, Camera, Singapore', gives rather weak examples of what they think makes Singapore Hip, such as us being mentioned in Huxley's 'Brave New World', or being featured in 'In the Mood for Love' and people such as Dick Lee. In the first two, Singapore was such a tangential feature that if Malaysia was used, it would not have altered the plots in the least, and as for Dick Lee, he is only as hip as his Elton John inspired wardrobe. And it also recalled the lamentable and utterly embarrassing use of Gurmit Singh as our national icon on the amazing race, even if he was dressed up as a contractor with censored Singlish. With such worrying evidence, we feel it is only a matter of time before something shameful erupts: As I said before, once the Straits Times carries it, the decision is made. The SASF urges all Singaporeans to adopt our motto: 'Save Singapore Face for the Sake of Our Children".

Currently, the SASF is providing damage control to Singapore's Face following the recent incident of a government linked agency sueing the owner of a personal blog. "While it is daunting to try and redeem our country, its people and its organisations from such self-inflicted humiliation, the SASF is relieved that they didn't actually sue him in the end. The current mountain out of a molehill would have been nothing compared to such a himalaya: 'Singaporean government linked agency sues owner of personal blog'. That would truly be a small step backward for hip, and a great leap forward for Hipopolis," says Mr. Gan.

Very The Singapore: Vol 1

2005-05-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

The Kentang is happy to bring you "Very The Singapore", a sporadic feature that aims to show the bits of Singaporean life that while perhaps not unique to Singapore, still are sufficiently a part of us; i.e. phenomena that

- Find their way onto Talkingcock.com
- Appear The New Paper when they attempt to show that they aren't just a joke, but a local joke
- Occasionally thought of when you're far away writing racist comments while on a PSC scholarship, or when you're gleefully preparing to turn a PSC scholar with faulty discretion into a punching bag for your unhappiness with the PSC.

-

For our first issue, The Kentang brings you the people close to your heart who brought you up, cooked your meals, washed your clothes, carried your overladen school bag, and were available when you felt like hurting people with various domestic appliances and implements:

always there to comfort you. in all ways and historical contexts

indeed, it is hard to imagine our country without Maids. We honour them by giving them Glamourous, seemingly Government associated agencies, with banners in our own National Colours.

And if your maid is ever problematic, there are your friendly specialists to help.

Also seen was an advertisement on the side of a van for a cheerful maid specialist that guarantees employer satisfaction where before there was only employer woe. Unfortunately, the van was in trasit at time of sighting, giving one the impression of a "MariaMobile", and as a rolling potato gathers no moss, The Kentang is unable to provide pictorial evidence. In exchange, we provide this cartoon.

Singapore to Become Leading Exporter of Singaporeans

2005-05-05T03:55:00.000-07:00

Two plans have been unveiled that will make Singapore the global leader in supplying Singaporeans to the global market. The Kentang interviewed Mr. Ruyard Koh, Head of the recently formed Singapore International Initiatives (SII), a subsidiary of the EDB.

"For a long time, Singapore has claimed that its only natural resource is its people. For the first time, Singapore will be actively using its people as a resource - first by renting them to private or corporate patrons, then, when the market for Singaporeans is more established, by exporting them en masse to other countries," says Mr. Koh.

Contrary to popular belief, the idea of a country renting out its citizens is apparently not new, claims Mr. Koh, citing the example of Germany. "While our sources indicate that there are countries where parents rent out their children, the human resource rental market is still fairly new, and we don't want to miss out on what could be the next big trend in the global economy. Even ethnic minorities are already out there playing the field. If we continue to remain static, we won't ever move on and become a key player in the new economy."

To allow Singaporeans to expect what will be expected of them, Mr. Koh has kindly allowed us to feature excerpts from the official SII announcements that will be broadcast in major cosmopoli such as London and New York.

Rent a Singaporean White Collar Worker

Singaporean students are famous for their achievements in mathematics, constantly beating students in corresponding levels world wide. Consequently Singaporeans make skilled accountants and bankers. Singaporeans are known for being calculative and sharp to notice a bargain, natural abilities that make them expert auditors. A Singaporean in your office will go a long way in keeping your accounts in check and your reputation a respectable white.

Rent a Singaporean Student

Besides excelling in math and sciences, Singaporean students also possess formidable powers of information retention, allowing them to memorise full essays in both English and Chinese as required. Take advantage of this unique skill by renting them as secretaries for important meetings or events.

Alternatively, parents may want to hire a student to assist their child in their studies. Many Singaporean students teach tuition as a way of earning extra income, and are thus qualified teachers of mathematics and basic sciences. However, for language tuition customers are advised to be more discerning as most Singaporeans only speak Singlish rather than English. Further campaigns to address this problem are underway, allowing you to rent your Singaporean Student with ease.

Rent a Singaporean Homosexual

Is your company in need of professional events management services? Do you require a professional hairdresser or wedding planner? Perhaps you'd like an activist to speak about Homosexual Issues, or an example of Sexual Perversion to fortify the message in your missions. Whatever your needs, you can rent a Singaporean Homosexual to fill them. Currently, no other types of Homosexuals are officially acknowledged in Singapore, and are therefore unavailable for rent.

Rent a Genuine SPG

"SPG"s, or Sarong Party Girls, are Singapore's answer to girls from other Asian countries interested in obtaining a white boyfriend or spouse. Most of them are highly educated, fun loving individuals who are dissatisfied with the state of Singaporean Males, while others are avid supporters of diversity and cultural exploration. Whatever the case, a SPG is guaranteed to provide you with the respect and concern you need, paving the way for you to be confident enough to provide your parents with the grandchildren they deserve.

Rent a Singaporean Auntie (Chinese)

For advice on various subjects, from lottery tickets to bargaining; from picking a good daughter-in-law to which is an auspicious day to marry your children off, the Singaporean Auntie is a minefield of facts, folklore, and Asian Values. Also available are Aunties to teach you mahjong, guide you in planning your child's education, provide step-by-step instruction on herbal soup preparation, and provide fashion advice pertaining to floral prints.

Rent a Singaporean Auntie (Indian)

If you want to keep strict tabs on the welfare of your child like any responsible parent, then you may want to consider renting a Singaporean Auntie (Indian). Many have wide networks and vast information tapping skills, allowing you to know just what sort of person your child is going out with, and act accordingly. Alternatively, use them to keep track of your child's habits and curfews - they will wait up for your children when they stay out late, and are sure to admonish them for excessive debauchery using the traditional argument: "How are you going to get a respectable spouse when you are always gallivanting around those noisy clubs dressed like a prostitute".

Rent a Singaporean Blogger

SII and the Singapore Blogosphere Development Council (SBDC) are proud to offer you Singaporean Bloggers that can create highly professional and creative websites on such diverse topics such as "shoes, coffee, toilet paper, catching mosquitoes, or whatever", as described by one Singaporean blogger. When you rent a Singaporean Blogger, you capitalise on the expertise of our growing community of bloggers willing to spend large amounts of time and personal effort into making themselves heard on the internet.

The Next Logical Step: Export Singaporeans

Once demand for Singaporeans has been established, SII will begin an aggressive scheme to actively export Singaporeans to other countries.

"Basically what we will do is to find out which of our client nations requires Singaporeans, of what variety and area of expertise they require, then quickly ship and settle the Singaporeans into that country. Singaporeans so exported will be granted permanent residency in the purchasing country, but will be required to transfer a certain amount of their income back to Singapore to allow for the continued protection and support of their families," says Mr. Koh. "This will allow us to reap both a short term benefit, in terms of jobs and direct income, as well as a long term source of income."

However, some parties did express reservations. Mr. Eric Chua, a lawyer, claims that "This is just another example of how our Government treats us like staff, and the country like a corporation. How will they expect us to have any loyalty to our country with such an approach? When the going gets tough, they can't blame us for behaving like corporate staff - by finding other countries to live for."

Responding to this, Mr. Koh says, "For Singapore to survive, we have to keep looking forward, and remake ourselves. As our Prime Minister has said: 'If we become a backwater, just one of many ordinary cities in Asia, instead of a cosmopolitan hub of the region, then many good jobs will be lost, and all Singaporeans will suffer.' I think Mr. Chua's statement is typical of the reactionary viewpoint Singaporeans tend to take when the Government puts forth a new initiative to upkeep our global competitiveness."

Ms. Chew Wei Wei, Charlotte, expressed another concern, "With Singapore's declining birth rate and aging population, won't exporting Singaporeans exacerbate our current population problems?"

Mr. Koh reassured her by drawing attention to the way that the initiative would proceed. "Firstly, the rental of Singaporeans does not necessarily mean that they need to actually leave the country. We can provide the parties to be rented with special E-mail addresses to allow for private correspondence between client and Singaporean. Only in a small number of cases will we actually send the Singaporean over at this early stage: this has the benefit of making Singaporeans a scarce commodity and continue to command a high price.

"Secondly we plan to initiate the export phase of our programme only when the effects of the current campaign encouraging more children has taken place. We are optimistic that results should show within the next year or so, and so the population of Singapore would be ripe at the time we choose to begin this phase.

"The SII wishes to stress that this is a long term venture that we are undertaking to ensure the continued prosperity of Singapore, not merely a trend that we are jumping onto, such as Life Sciences or IT," stated Mr. Koh. "As can be seen from the fields above, we are not aiming to compete with other countries in the Asia-Pacific region who have large numbers of their citizens working overseas; rather, we are aiming to find our own unique niche, a niche that can only be filled by talents uniquely Singaporean."

Mr. Valentino Ma, 18, a student at a local junior college made clear his support of this venture, by stating that "Anything that would let me get out of this country is a good thing."

Singapore to Offer Gift to Malaysia

2005-05-03T23:53:00.000-07:00

Following the easing of the ban on Malaysian newspapers, Singapore has been seeking other ways to improve bilateral ties. The Kentang interviewed Ms. Felicity Gan, a spokesperson from the Bilateral Ties Committee (BTC), a division of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

"Singapore-Malaysia relations are marked by close inter-dependence. Singapore and Malaysia have always shared strong economic and people-to-people linkages. From Singapore's standpoint, the relationship should be based on mutual respect, mutual benefit, and adherence to international law and agreements. Singapore will continue to seek new areas of cooperation to strengthen bilateral relations with Malaysia even further," she said, providing information already found on the MFA website.

When asked to elaborate further on any developments in relations since April 29th, Ms. Gan says, "Initially we had certain problems thinking up new initiatives that would strengthen bilateral ties, since we had already taken such a great leap forward with the easing of the newspapers ban. Despite many Singaporeans traveling to Kuala Lumpur, Johor, Genting and so on, as well as many Singaporeans having Malaysian friends or relatives, the official stance on both sides is, by default, always one of tentative exploration. Hence we had to continue to be friendly, but never show ourselves as desperate. As our MM himself said, as he put forward the suggestion on easing the Newspaper Ban, "Let's not push it. This is some idea tossed out to maintain knowledge and intimacy with each other".

"However, when China made a gift of two pandas to Taiwan, we felt that we had found a good example to follow. Pandas are rare mammals, difficult to duplicate, expensive, and unique to China. Thus, we have decided to make a present of two A Level students drawn from premier Junior Colleges in our country."

When asked to elaborate on their idea, Ms Gan says, "The connection is obvious. Like Pandas, A level students in Singapore are a unique breed found only on our island, where they roam the confines of their enclosures, commonly known as Junior Colleges, mugging, participating in CCAs, and occasionally planning community service activities to gain bonus points for admission into University. They are difficult to duplicate, as our declining birth rate shows, and since we are a small island nation, with our citizens as our only resource, the presentation to Malaysia of two A level students will highlight our commitment to bettering bilateral ties."

"We hope the students, with their tame nature, air of nobleness and studious looks will bring joy and laughter to the people of Malaysia, children in particular," says Ms. Gan, echoing China's statement to Taiwan. Together with the Singapore Blogosphere Development Council and the Internal Security Department, the MFA has already drawn up a list of potential candidates to be sent off, and is awaiting the final go-ahead to be given before making formal arrangements for their departure.

The response from Malaysia has been mixed, with some parties welcoming the move as a serious effort from our country to improve cross straits ties, while others see it as a means of getting Malaysians to lower their guard before imposing further demands. One political group in Malaysia distributed leaflets with the following caption "Would you agree to give up Johor's Water for two students?"

New Advertisements for Campbells Soup

2005-04-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

A local advertising firm has unveiled plans for a new and bold poster ad campaign for the popular Campbells brand of canned soup. One of the posters will depict smiling topless men (rendered in grayscale) hugging cans of Campbells soup (in colour). The caption will read: "You just want to get it into you". Another will show a close up of a hand in a rubber glove, holding a can of soup, with an identical colour scheme and caption.

The Kentang interviewed a representative from the company, Mr A. Nelson, one of the authors of the campaign. "Basically we developed this idea from a story we heard from medical practitioners. Apparently a man went to his doctor complaining of a large object lodged up his anus. After some initial examination the object was ascertained to be a can of soup. When asked how it achieved such an unusual location, the man told the doctor that he was changing a lightbulb when he slipped off the ladder and sat on it falling down.

"When initial attempts to dislodge the can proved futile, the doctor recommended that he be warded in a hospital where muscle relaxants could be administered to try and allow the can to ease out without invasive surgery. Apparently the man was not in any great discomfort, since he requested to go home and put together an overnight bag first.

"Anybody hearing this story will of course realise that there is no way that can could have gotten inside him purely by accident, especially not in the one described. However, our campaign focuses more on his impatience and eagerness to get the soup inside him, which led to the unorthodox method of induction as well as a few preparation instructions being neglected. That the soup, once inside him, could not be easily removed is another message we want to imply. All in all, this ad will portray Campbells soup as being so good that you'd rush to get it in you, hopefully orally, and once inside you, the taste lingers in your memory irremovably."

When asked how the posters would convey such a complex message with their simple, though handsome, layout, Mr. Nelson replied, "Therein lies the brilliance of our campaign - we plan not only to show the public these posters, but to also have teams of plain clothes agents to infiltrate society and spread this story around. If Campbells likes our idea and is willing to grant enough funds, we plan to film a short television program to be aired on Central as artistic humour as a further way to spread the message. This will be similar to the authorities educating females on how to use pregnancy test kits via the trailers for the show "First Mums", in the likely event that they are too embarrassed to read the instructions off the box in their neighbourhood pharmacy."

Addressing concerns that the campaign might suggest that drinkers of Campbell soup are anal retentive, Mr. Nelson says, "In every advertisement, there is always a risk of additional interpretations that may or may not be favourable. We have considered this particular angle of perceiving our concept, and decided that rather than being a disadvantage, Campbells may actually see increased sales via new catering contracts by cafeterias in government agencies."

The Kentang conducted an unofficial survey where participants (randomly chosen from pedestrians strolling down Orchard Road) were requested to look at a sample of the posters then asked for their opinion. Most participants had not heard the related story before, and comments were largely centered on the attractive physique of the models. LTC(NS) Ngai Teo See, Phyllis remarked that, "After looking at the posters, I have a strange craving for Campbells Oxtail Soup."

Campbells soup could not be reached for comment.

Prostitution Rampant in the Heartlands

2005-04-29T00:48:00.000-07:00

In the "Singapore Review" Yahoo Group, Mellanie Hewlitt comments that:

It seems the PAP government are installing cameras everywhere, except of cause on MRT platforms......

What does it accomplish? Stopping illegal prostitutes? Not really because these women would just take their trade to family neighbourhoods like Toa Payoh, Bedok, Ang Mo Kio...etc. In the past this social evil was confined to a designated red-light district. But not anymore. Such short-sighted measure only hasten the spread of the immoral trade to other corners of the island.

(Comment dated April 6)

The Kentang agrees with her that installing surveillance cameras does nothing to prevent prostitution; it only relocates and disguises it, as evident in the following pictures:

The LTA wishes to inform you that it is overseeing your safety and behaviour, especially your behaviour.

Moving to the heartlands in new guises.

Catering to men singly, or in groups. Education for the less experienced is provided. Aid for the disabled upon request.

Clearly a reference to the Japanese Occupation. A clever disguise, bound to attract academics.

And again.

Homosexual Pimps are also joining in on the boom in Heartland Prostitution.

Many are offering initial discounts to increase customer base.

Mr. Aquinas Lee, Chairman of the Council of Civic-Minded Civilians (CCC) comments, "I understand the government's move to place Geylang under closer observation. The CCC, in its capacity as a NGO, has also been making regular forays into Geylang to observe and document the unsavoury behaviour occurring there, putting ourselves forward in order to provide first hand experience for like minded bodies and ministries that desire to combat such social evils. However, I feel that instead of such blatant policing the government should instead focus on moving prostitution back into geylang, encourage greater transparency, and then stripping the area of amenities, possibly via re-defining electoral boundaries and putting it under opposition control. That way, we can contain and minimise this cancer, rather than let it spread even closer to our impressionable youth in the Heartlands."

"It is important," he continues, "to ensure that social evils are visible in their traditional way, ensuring that society continues to perceive them as they should be - one dimensional faces of depravity. Take Homosexuality, for example. We should continue to portray them as hairdressers and interior decorators, child molesters, or flamboyant transsexuals, thus undermining any attempt by the rest of their community to gain acceptance into the fabric of society.

Mr. Simone Tay, secretary of the CCC suggests that "If we cannot stamp out prostitution completely, we should at least harness it for the benefit of our country. The next step after concentrating prostitution in the Red Light District would be to construct a new Women and Children's Hospital in the vicinity, providing a harvesting facility and penicillin dispensers. This will effectively adress the problem of our aging population."

Singapore Blogosphere to Become Global Blogopolis

2005-04-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

Following comments on the prominent blog "Singabloodypore", the Singapore Government has decided to step in by forming the SBDC - Singapore Blogosphere Development Council, with Ms. Regina Juggs as its newly appointed chairperson.

"What many Singaporeans do not realise," says Ms. Juggs, "is that their blogs are on the World Wide Web and are thus not only subject to local scrutiny and surveillance, but potentially connect to the rest of the world. The SBDC has been formed to ensure that the content, language and style of Singaporean Blogs reflects a mature, healthy identity that is both Uniquely Singaporean and firmly rooted in Asian Values, while acknowledging and conforming to the New Global Economy.

"Mr Mc Dermott's post revealed a worrying trend in Singapore Blogs to celebrate frivolousity and infantilism, topics summed up brilliantly in one of the comments as 'shoes, coffee, toilet paper, catching mosquitoes, or whatever'. One only has to look hard and long at blogs such as Xiaxue to realise that something is very wrong in our community. However, serious social cancers are not our concern. SBDC's concern is solely to clean up the image we present to the rest of the world, in order to maintain global competitiveness and attractiveness to foreign investors.

"Thus, the first initiative of the SBDC will be the 'Blog Good English' campaign, similar to the 'Speak Good English' campaign introduced in recent times. We will send email to the authors of blogs that use excessive Singlish, advising them to revise or delete their posts, and if they do not comply, encourage them to take remedial lessons in English, subsidised by our council. Further campaigns will focus on the content of local blogs, aiming to make them more mature and sophisticated and provide insightful information on elements in our local culture: Food Guides, Examinations (PSLE and GCEs), Issues on Procreation and Marriage, and Reports from 'The New Paper', and politics"

When asked to elaborate on the last element, Ms. Juggs Said "Foreigners have perpetuated the belief that Political Discussion is totally non-existent in Singapore. This is merely another example of the misconceptions that Westerners have towards Asians. In Singapore, Political Discussion takes place, but is considered a private affair, usually confined to the bedroom or taxis, at most within an intimate gathering of Uncles at a Coffeeshop. However, since blogs tend towards the personal, political discussion will leak out into cyberspace and we will continue to monitor the situation to continue the current perception of political blogs as dense and of an intellectual bent; in general, boring and irrelevant to local life. We also plan to encourage such political blog owners to have a petty and implausible outburst at stipulated times, to allow the negative view of their personality to completely out shadow any merits within their arguments. Failure to do so may result in threat of removal. This is consistent with our strategy outside Cyberspace."

Related News: New blog to provide help for parents of primary school children

The members of Bedok Auntie's Line Dance Club (BALDC) has announced plans to create a blog that targets the parents of primary school children. Titled "Exam R Us", the blog will provide a listing of where to find copies of various primary school's examination papers. "I spent two weeks trying to get a copy of the RGPS P6 Mathematics paper," says Mdm. Lim Bee Geok, in Singlish. Mdm. Lim is the founder of the site as well as principal dancer of the BALDC. "I realised that we should all combine power and provide comprehensive information as to where we can obtain the papers, to benefit all our children and help them score better in their PSLE."

The site also plans to provide a forum for discussion on the level of difficulty of each paper, as well as providing a venue for speculation on the questions in the current year's PSLE. Ms Juggs says, "This is exactly the type of mature, relevant content that we hope to see in Singaporean blogs. We will be tutoring the editorial committee of Exam R Us to ensure that they achieve a high level of English usage on their blog."

Despite such praise from a government related official, some people are unhappy about such an initiative. LTC(NS) Ngai Teo See Phyllis, mother of two daughters, says, "After putting so much effort putting my daughters into premier kindergartens and monitoring their grades so as to allow them entry into RGPS, it pains me to see that any neighbourhood school kid can procure the benefits of my daughter's institution."

Enigmatic Totem May Provide Answer to Elvis Mystery

2005-04-24T02:27:00.000-07:00

Surprise, confusion, and hunger greeted visitors to Singapore's Goodwood Park Hotel upon seeing a large totem in the shape of a Durian, with an adjacent obelisk, smaller in scale, proclaiming "The King Is Back".

Image of Totem and Monolith

Detail of Monolith

Dr. Alan Rodriguez, Chairman of the Singapore Society for the Investigation of Paranormal Installations says, "Unlike the Merlion, which everybody acknowledges as a fictional and tacky construct of the Singapore Tourism Board, this installation should be taken seriously as it provides important clues to answering two important questions: 'Has Elvis been returned to us from Alien Captivity', and 'Are Durians Alien Fruits?'

"It is interesting to note that such a clearly worded notice should be placed next to a large, durian shaped totem. It raises questions to a possible link between the aliens that abducted Elvis and Singapore, a country where durians are deeply rooted in the local consciousness, and indeed resembles a durian itself."

When asked to elaborate on the significance of durians to Singaporeans, Dr. Rodriguez says, "Just like the durian, many foreigners find Singapore, especially its politics and policies an acquired taste. Those who like it fit in comfortably and enjoy its unique taste and texture, while those who don't tend to be highly critical of it. This is," he continues, "only a generalisation. Malaysians, for example, are generally well disposed to durians regardless of their view of Singapore."

"As for proof of the durian's dominance in our local consciousness," he explains, "one need only look at the stunning architecture of our world famous Esplanade. That a country could design, construct, and eventually accept such a monument suggests a strong bond with its own inner durian."

Dr. Rodriguez plans to acquire funding to research the origins of this 'Paranormal Installation'. He is optimistic about finding the links between the Elvis abducting aliens and Singapore. "Finding such a link," he says, "will provide Singapore with a tourism boom, as thousands of Elvis fans worldwide arrive to see the structures and learn more about the phenomenon of Elvis' disappearance. We may even be able to become the regions Rock and Roll hub, an 'Elvisopolis' of sorts".

Still, others remain skeptical of such a link. "I think that any ideas linking Elvis, Aliens, Durians, and Singapore is clearly a delusion propagated by the UFO watching community," says Mr. Joachim Ma, chairman of the Singapore Reincarnation Watch, a group that constantly interviews famous or gifted individuals to locate information proving that they were other gifted individuals in their past life. "Clearly, the appearance of such a symbol is a subtle message by a higher and divine intelligence that the Canadian Pianist, Angela Hewitt, is Elvis reincarnate." Ms. Angela Hewitt is scheduled to perform at the Esplanade on April 30th, 2005, "hence the obsequious presence of a durian."

Mayor's Message Reveals Singapore's Desire for Global Suzerainty

2005-04-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

A statement by Mrs Yu-Foo Yee Shoon, Mayor, South West Community Development Council District, and Member of Parliment for Jurong GRC (Yuhua):

"Owning Your Community" - this may seem like a mere platitude to many, but to the Singaporean Youth, often seen in LAN shops or playing MMOGs at home, this evokes images of a level 67 Undead Mage beating the crap out of his lesser brethren with Frost Nova, a 1337 Counterstrike Player Sniping the brains out of Noobs, a Night Elf player successfully using a combination of Dryads, Mountain Giants and eventually Chimeras to overrun his slower opponents in a Warcraft FFA; the possibilities are endless. Sadly, in our country politicians and ministry spokespeople often employ bland, unremarkable statements such as:

Once again, history has proven the argument to be moot. We are still here today, we are still Singaporeans, our values still intact, our roots deeply grounded but our sights fixed on the future... Can Muslims or any other groups impose their standards on the rest?... Can we insulate our people by legislation forever?

Mr Zainudin Nordin, on the Casino Issue

and

The Cabinet has been privy, obviously, to the results of this survey, But this survey has not been germane to the decision. This survey just shows... what is the current state of gambling in Singapore.

Dr Balakrishnan, on the Casino Issue

All those statements say are a resounding "We are dull and disinterested". We should applaud Mrs Yu-Foo for her subtle, multi-layered, yet forceful and evocative statement targeted at a growing community made up of a large part of our country's teenage population, encouraging them to both bolster their intra-community ties, (akin to maintaining a gaming clan), and having the aggressiveness to pwn your competition, ensuring success and survival in today's New Global Economy.

Achieving Material Gain Sans Moral Degeneration

2005-04-20T02:14:00.000-07:00

In the Straits Times on 18th April, Minister for Information, Communications and the Arts, Mr Lee Boon Yang was quoted as urging Singaporeans to rally behind the Government, regardless of their decision on the Casino Issue. Ms Annie Lum, 54, has this response:

"I feel that Mr Lee brings up a very important point, which is that we should always acknowledge and support the government's decisions and policies. Back in the 70's, I underwent a sterilisation as I had had three children by that time, and did not want my third son to be unable to be a useful contribution to society by not being able to receive a proper primary school education. Now that our country needs more children, I am unable to help bear anymore, though I am more than willing to, unlike the selfish wenches that call themselves Singaporeans today. I have always regretted that I had not rallied behind them and stopped at two as I was politely requested, and perhaps this reversal of policy is just a way of rubbing salt into the wounds of my heart.

"At first I was fervently against the casino, even going as far as to praise the group "Families against the Casino Threat in Singapore": in particular, their website design looked highly attractive. But after hearing Mr Lee's Statement, I now realise the error of my ways. Not only is their website biased, unpragmatic, and an ugly shade of orange, but it is entirely possible to have both the material benefits of a casino sans the moral degeneration dissenters harp about."

Inspired by her optimism, The Kentang offers a list of suggestions where Singapore could have its casino and eat it too: modifications that would make the casino less desirable a place to spend their money, and Sunday afternoons, yet avoiding concerns that to make a casino in Singapore yet keep out Singaporeans makes them second class citizens in their own country.

1. Place notices that absolutely no Mahjong and Dai Dee will be played within the premises.
2. Impose a dress code: Even though it is on Sentosa, the usual Sentosa apparel of "Sandals, Bermudas and Tank top" will not be allowed.
3. Impose a further sub-clause to the dress code barring fake Rolexes and Prada.
4. And another that outfits must not contain more than three (3) different colours.
5. Ensure that the design of the toilets, while still high, offer much less than those of The Fullerton, The Westin Stamford, and the Hyatt.
6. Also situate toilets far away from the entrance, make common knowledge their 50 cent entrance fee, and remove hand dryers.
7. Live Performances in the premises should not include such popular and witty fare such as performances by Kumar and Selena Tan, but rather performances with strong local flavour by Gurmit Singh and Jack Neo.
8. Background music in the premises should strictly be local favourites scored for lounge piano - such as "Five Stars Arising", "Who are you my country", "Chan Mali Chan", and "Rasa Sayang Hey!"
9. Make the external decor strictly Chinese: Foreigners will be reminded of the lush casinos on Macau, while Locals will be reminded of Tang Dynasty City and Haw Par Villa.
10. Never, ever, allow the restaurants on the premises to serve buffet lunches, dinners, brunches, or high teas. Instead, offer exotic local fare such as Hainanese Chicken Rice, Mee Rebus, and Roti Prata at restaurant prices.

Marketing to the Singapore Male

2005-04-19T01:11:00.000-07:00

For that select group of Singaporean Males who loved their army experience so much, they've either signed on; or want to keep their memories in a precious place thats both close to their hearts, far away from the sunlight and its power to fade:

Bringing E services to an even higher level

2005-04-19T00:24:00.000-07:00

Singapore is famous for its E services. E mail, E commerce, E balloting, E registration for your National Service and Schools, E filing for your taxes (sorry, E Tax), and many many more.

And now, even eating will never be the same again:

Yes, truly, we are the E citizens of the world.

The Name of the Game

2005-04-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

Following the article in today's Sunday Times "Gen Y" column, several Singaporeans have also come forward to share their views and express their opinions on the names given to them by their parents.

28 year old Kotex Chan, an insurance agent, was named after her mother's favourite brand of sanitary napkin. "Thankfully I was spared most of the teasing in primary school, as my classmates didn't see anything funny," she says. "I was worried that it would be more difficult to fit in when I got to secondary school as we would actually start to use sanitary napkins. Thankfully, many of the girls felt I was somebody new, grown up, and exciting at the time, and so accepted me into their cliques."

According to Kotex, her mother gave her that name hoping that she would come to be as reliable, resilient, and flexible as she had found her napkins. "A strong runner up was 'Whisper', but eventually my parents decided I might become too timid in the future," she laughed. Kotex has a younger brother, Durex, also an insurance agent. His name was chosen to imply dependability, trustworthiness and a high degree of moral integrity. He claims that their unusual names, far from being an embarrassment, have helped them in their professions by their connotation: "Our clients really trust that we will protect them and secure their well being". Both siblings have no qualms about naming their own children unusually, "Perhaps I'll name my own daughters 'Wacol' or 'Triumph'," says Kotex.

As the article in the newspaper suggests, when it comes to choosing unusual names for their children, Singaporean parents can be just as bold and innovative as their Hong Kong, Taiwanese or Mainland Chinese counterparts. Yet some do not see this as a positive sign that Singaporeans may finally be catching up with the rest of the region in creativity. Dr. John Tan Xiao Ming, a child psychologist, has this to say:

"I suppose when you're older and can cope with being different, having a name like 'Legolas Chua' or 'Frodo Tan' would be considered 'cool'. But when you're young, little kids can be very cruel." Dr. Tan cited these two names offhand "as a plausible example of the names teachers may see in their registers in a few years time due to the high popularity of the Lord of the Rings trilogy".

Choose names to promote Asian Values please.

A professor of Singaporean History, Dr. Raffles Ong suggests that Singaporeans should go one step further when choosing names for their children: not only should the names be unique, they should be Uniquely Singaporean.

"A large number of the unusual names chosen by Asians tend to be brands (Otard, Ericsson, Kotex), names of celebrities (Fonzarelli, Legolas, Orlando), or plain everyday objects (Fish, Noodles, Mango). The more adventurous create new and vibrant names such as Wancy or Emeraldo. We can harness this wave of creativity and create a new and distinct Singaporean Identity through our nomenclature."

Some of the names with a "distinct Singaporean personality" he suggests are "Garang" (common army term for a person who is enthusiastic and outstanding), "Sia" (Pronounced See-ah, but an obvious reference to Singapore's highly acclaimed national airline) and "Zaister" or "Zaina" (derived from the term "Zai" - very good). Names he suggests that would seem less revolutionary, thus more readily accepted by society, that would still contain a strong local flavour are "Westin", "Expatriate", "Marigold", "Istana", "Esplanade" and "Fullerton".

Some remain staunchly conservative about nomenclature.

To 19 year old Amis Tay, the aesthetic or ideological reasons behind an unusual name is never able to compensate a child for the emotional damage suffered in childhood.

"My parents named me after their favourite author, Kingsley Amis." He says, ruefully. "I was constantly teased by both my classmates and teachers who called me either 'a mistake', or, more commonly, 'A Miss Tay'. It was terrible. There was once in secondary school where I was forced into a girl's uniform during a free period and made to suffer sexual harassment by the guys. Even the girls were laughing. After repeated incidents, I began to find the sessions disturbingly erotic." In counseling and therapy since he was 14, Amis has finally found his calling and now works at a cross dresser at one of Singapore's premier gay clubs. "I hope to someday go to Thailand and right the mistake," he says.

Dr. Tan urges parents to do some research on the names they will choose for their children by asking the opinions of their friends, or better yet, their friend's children or any other young relatives. "A name like Lagerfeld, Volkswagen or Esplanade, may sound grand and classy at first, but can people actually pronounce it properly?" Dr. Tan suggests that parents vetting a name this way should look out for the following signs: Looks of bewilderment, multiple failed attempts at pronouncing the name, an "EEEE" sound, or straight out laughter. "These are all signs that you probably should reconsider your choice, for the sake of your children."